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Harper1234's avatar

Will you help me understand my feelings on marriage?

Asked by Harper1234 (811points) June 30th, 2019

I feel badly about feeling like this and don’t know if it is normal or not. One of my sons got engaged and I wasn’t happy like I should have been and they both sensed it and I just told them I was so overwhelmed. Actually I did not like it but I didn’t want to admit that to myself. I actually like the girl he is in love with. Now that the actual wedding is only months away just thinking about my son getting married and what i call “losing him” is almost giving me panic attacks. We are very close and I do not want to give up that closeness even though he is at an age where he probably needs to get married. I sometimes wish they would break up but then I am in my early 60s and I should want him to have a spouse and children. My other son will be getting engaged next year. I guess I put too much of my life into my children and don’t want to give them up. How can I get over this and move on?

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10 Answers

Inspired_2write's avatar

Now is the time to invest in some interests,hobbies, or travelling plans.

It does not have to be depressing but liberating when our children grow up to be on there own.

In my seniors apartment building many are dating each other and engaging in compatible interests plus those that have the money to travel internationally do.

Zaku's avatar

Marriage status is what people make of it. Stop making it mean that you’ll “lose them”.

You might need some assistance to correct your mental programming about that.

Dutchess_lll's avatar

How would you “lose” him? Stop looking at it like that. Start looking at it like you’re gaining a daughter….and grandkids maybe!!!

kritiper's avatar

You are afraid for him. You know how hard life can be. You wish him all the happiness in the world, but you have your doubts. Talk to your son about your fears.

Harper1234's avatar

Yes… are right and I just realized myself that I am afraid for him. Life has been tough for my husband and I and we both went thru divorces a long time ago. The bride’s mom has been married 4 times and that makes me anxious too. The two have been living together for 3 years and both have stable jobs…but she likes to spend his money and hers but I guess that is his problem. Got to know that things will turn out as they may and pray everything will be okay.

janbb's avatar

Change is difficult and a marriage – especially of a son – does change the relationship with the mother. How you are able to navigate being “second” will largely determine how the relationship goes forward. There’s still a place for Mom usually though! Feel your feelings but try not to over-angst. Good luck!

LuckyGuy's avatar

You have a right to feel what you feel. Here’s a thought that might help..

Those marriages will eventually bring grandchildren! They will really add joy to your life!
They’ll be so cute (but not a s cute as mine, of course) you’ll want to babysit all the time.

jca2's avatar

Your feelings are your feelings and there’s no “normal.” I can understand your feeling of “losing” your son. What you don’t want is for this unhappiness to spill over into your relationship with your new daughter-in law-to-be, because she will remember it and it may sour any future closeness you may have. Nobody wants to be seen as the MIL who has her claws in her baby son and won’t let go.

My suggestion is a few sessions (or however many you decide on) of therapy with a therapist who can help you work through your feelings of loss and unhappiness about your changed relationship with your son.

seawulf575's avatar

Your job as a parent is to help your children grow into well adjusted and self-sufficient adults. You aren’t going to be the focus of their lives forever if you do your job right. Recognize that he has found a wonderful woman and is starting the next phase of his life. Rejoice in that. That doesn’t mean you are entirely out of the picture, but you are not as prominent as you once were. And that is a good thing. Show them what grace looks like.

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