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stanleybmanly's avatar

Why must I be so abused and persecuted?

Asked by stanleybmanly (23336points) 1 month ago from iPhone

I was sitting in the living room when these howls of uncontrollable laughter erupted from the wife in her big room of “hobbies”. I found her at her quilting table bent over red faced still laughing and apparently nearly choking from the exertion. She just pointed to the table. I looked, and there was an opened envelope face down. On the back in large script was written “DON’T SHOW THIS TO STAN”. A foot or so to the left of it lay a birthday card which read “I wanted to get you something impractical and frivolous for your birthday”. I picked up the card and opened it for the punchline: “But you already have Stan!”

My friends, I am devastated, and know that I can turn to you in this— another moment of humiliation defining my life of torment. Feel free to express your sympathies with the appropriate baked goods to render the solace I must certainly deserve.

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22 Answers

ragingloli's avatar

Clearly you are being punished by the Lord for sins committed in the womb.

stanleybmanly's avatar

What must I do to be redeemed?

Dutchess_III's avatar

BAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!

Darth_Algar's avatar

“What must I do to be redeemed?”

You must flagellate yourself.

Mimishu1995's avatar

Next time if you see anything that says “DON’T SHOW THIS TO STAN”, do exactly what it says and throw it away. It will save you a lot of heartache :D

zenvelo's avatar

I’d be pissed. Tell the wife her “friend better apologize, in person, by tomorrow night, and then never have anything to do with you or your family, including your wife, or the marriage is over.

And the wife owes you a huge apology too.

stanleybmanly's avatar

@zenvelo I’m afraid. They’re both tougher than I. Should I just wait until she is asleep then sneak off to some shelter for “battered” husbands?

stanleybmanly's avatar

@Mimishu I dare not throw away anything from the quilting table, regardless of how hurtful or insensitive. Do you suppose my feelings are too delicate in this matter?

stanleybmanly's avatar

@Darth Algar l’m not permitted the luxury of self abuse. The wife insists that’s HER job. She cracks the whip, I make the trip!

stanleybmanly's avatar

Dutchess III Are there tears accompanying your version of BOOHOOHOOHOO!!!?

Mimishu1995's avatar

@stanleybmanly or maybe not throw away, but just not look at it :)

stanleybmanly's avatar

You’re right. It’s my own fault. The next time she laughs I’ll realize it must be at my expense. I’ll just spare myself the torture, bury my head in my pillow and feel sorry for myself.

KNOWITALL's avatar

You deserve a whole pie to yourself for that display. Maybe another chicken dinner, too. Frivolous maybe, impractical never.

stanleybmanly's avatar

That’s the sort of sympathy I’m looking for! Good for you @KNOWITALL. I wish I had remembered that! SHE’s the one that paid 70 bucks for that chicken dinner. Talking about impractical!!!

KNOWITALL's avatar

@stanleybmanly Maybe get her some fresh flowers and remind her that you know they are ‘impractical and frivolous’, but her smile is everything. :) Bonus points to Stan.

stanleybmanly's avatar

That’s the other thing. She’s a sucker for sentimental nonsense. The very card itself is a paradigm of frivolous impracticality! I need to hire you as my counsel. I can cower behind your skirts as you take her on. How soon can you get here? I’ll fly you first class.

ragingloli's avatar

Wait until she forwards you penis enlargement pill spam mail.

stanleybmanly's avatar

On the other hand loli, you can’t make the legal team. Any plane with you on it will be diverted directly to Guantanamo.

ragingloli's avatar

And she will convince your mum to do the same!

stanleybmanly's avatar

After that one, you go near an airport, and I will turn you in myself ( and collect what by now must be a substantial reward),

KNOWITALL's avatar

@stanleybmanly haha! Now I’m imagining myself in full hillbilly mode in first class to some random McMansion in San Fran and how entertaining that would be for all of us!!
Wouldn’t your wife die if I came off the plane in my overalls and goosed up my southern drawl?! Then go change and speak properly at dinner after she was good and shook? Fun to imagine, yes.

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