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SergeantQueen's avatar

Should I tell my friends I would rather not go to their house ever again?

Asked by SergeantQueen (12874points) November 18th, 2023

I still want to be friends and this situation is mostly out their control.

Hoarder house but it is an apartment, friends room was incredibly messy.

Mother is abusive and wasn’t nice to her boyfriend which made me uncomfy.

It was a very high strung environment.

Meeting the mom was so chaotic and I literally had 3 people telling me 3 different stories at the same time. Also, I heard how far one of the arguments between my friend and their mom went literally a few hours prior to me coming over and I wasnt happy I wasn’t told prior because I wouldn’t have come over.

Anyways. The gist of it is: my friend lives in an abusive hoarder apartment and I cried when I came home because the stuff they were telling me was sad.

But they cannot really come to my place and can’t really afford to go out.

That apartment was too much for me and I care about my friend so seeing thats how they live was sad. Nothing to do with poverty at all, everything to do with knowing its all a result of a bad home life.

But I do not know if it is too much to share to them, if I should keep suggesting other places to hang out?

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12 Answers

kritiper's avatar

No. Just don’t go. If they ever ask you why you don’t visit, then tell them.

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Just don’t go !

SergeantQueen's avatar

@kritiper I feel bad either way because they keep asking to hang out but yeah. Probably best to wait until if/when they directly ask me. I really wish I could help them. Some of the stuff happening is illegal but I cannot do anything.

janbb's avatar

Offer to meet for a cup of coffee or in a library reading room or on a walk in the park. If they ask you to come to their house, you could just say it’s not a good scene for me.

gorillapaws's avatar

@Tropical_Willie It’s nice seeing you! My advice is to meet out at places that don’t cost money: parks, beaches, window shopping, volunteering, (I donate blood for example) etc.

jca2's avatar

I wouldn’t explain it that way “I can’t go to your house ever again.” I don’t think it needs an explanation and I don’t think blanket statements like “never again” are always helpful. I would just, the next time they ask you to visit, just suggest something else. “How ‘bout the park?” or “how bout we go to the ______ coffee shop and get some coffee?” or “I want to try to start walking. Do you want to meet up for a walk?” If those choices work for you but they don’t work for them, maybe you want to try to start minimizing hanging out with them.

JLeslie's avatar

I agree with everyone just don’t go to their house anymore.

Meet at a park, McDonald’s, mall, free class, free car show.

Free or inexpensive museum (in some cities a lot of museums have suggested entry fees, which means you can go in for a small amount, just offer $2 if that is all you can afford).

Library room I saw above (reserve ahead).

Are you in a large city? Can you get together to explore other parts of the city? Cheap transportation? Is it cold now where you live?

seawulf575's avatar

I’m a little confused. If the house is that bad physically and emotionally, why would your friend want you to come over? I’d be embarrassed to have someone over. When I was growing up my dad started having a breakdown. It was a high stress environment all the time. I tried to avoid having friends come over or we would hang out in the back yard or something…somewhere that I wasn’t subjecting my friends to the madness.

If things at your friend’s house are that bad, just don’t go back over. If they ask why either tell them straight up that you aren’t comfortable there or if you don’t want to open that door tell them the last time you were there you had a really bad allergy attack that left your head clogged for days.

KNOWITALL's avatar

I would be honest and tell them the chaos was too much for you so a ‘quieter’ location is better so you can actually talk. Seems like that would be a better way to say it and stay positive and not hurtful.
In my experience, not everyone raised in those situations realizes what ‘normal’ is so what they find acceptable can be shocking.

SnipSnip's avatar

Just don’t go. Say you rather not. Don’t lie. If they push say you are not comfortable at their house and, for that reason, mom said no to visiting there. See if you can just meet your friend at the park or have him or her come hang out in your back yard. No matter what….do not allow yourself to be in uncomfortable situations. You have a brain and instinct which tries to protect you.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Suggest another activity – something cheap, Go to a park, beach, take a long walk have a picnic.

flutherother's avatar

Suggest meeting somewhere calm and peaceful and then tell her you prefer this to meeting at her home. That’s more positive than simply saying you don’t want to meet in her house.

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