General Question

haptm1's avatar

Surprise pregnancy?

Asked by haptm1 (2points) October 7th, 2008

Oh, I need some advice.

I’m 28 yrs old and am about 7 weeks pregnant. I have the most wonderful child (age 8) from a previous marriage. My boyfriend and I have had an off and on relationship for the last 3+ years and here we are. Off and on, not because we fight or anything like that. But rather he has committment issues and is very close to his family that does not approve of me whatsoever. I hear myself, and relize how silly it sounds, but we do have a very healthy and loving relationship when he’s not being wishy washy. Again, yes I hear myself.

Anyway. He’s 30, very financially secure, loves my daughter to pieces and loves me dearly. But here we are. I’m embarressed to admit that we’ve already ended two pregnancies in our first year dating- back to back. Those were the most horrific experiences of my life and I just can’t do it again.

Problem is, he doesn’t want to go forward. He’s terrified. His parents hate me, I still have two years off school left (taken longer because I had my daughter so young)and in general just isn’t ready. He has strong family values and feels that since we’re not already married, own a home, and so forth, an abortion is justified. I just don’t agree. I really don’t think I can terminate another one. And adoption is not an option for me.

The boyfriend has made it very clear that this “will ruin his life/will make us irresponsible losers/will make him unhappy forever/etc…” It goes on and on. He’s been more than harsh. However, he has stated that he will be there to raise and support the child, insisting that we have to elope as having a child out of wedlock is not an option.

I’m fairly certain that these feeling will pass. His family will get over their issues and we’ll all live happily ever after. It’ll happen, right? I don’t know.

So there is is. Advice please??? I don’t feel that I could live with myself if I terminate, but how do I live with someone I love being so unhappy?

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17 Answers

krose1223's avatar

I’m sure he is just really scared right now and the optimistic part of me wants to say it will pass.
However, I’m having a hard time with the things you have said. I myself had a very surprising pregnancy. This is your body and it seems you have made your choice. You didn’t get pregnant on your own so he needs to take responsibility. I understand you say he has said he’ll financially take care of the baby, but there is so much more to being a father than that. I don’t think eloping would be wise no matter what the parents would say. He needs to get off the tit and stop worrying so much what his parents think. I’m sure they already know you two are having sex, so this pregnancy probably won’t be that big of a surprise. Why do his parents dislike you? Have you ever tried talking to them as a couple to work out the differences? There is so much more to this situation than what you have given. Are you doubting your relationship with him?

augustlan's avatar

Whatever you do, don’t get married in a rush. Getting married only because you’re pregnant is not a wise course of action. As to the pregnancy itself, it is your decision, but be prepared to accept the consequences alone. He is legally responsible for financial contributions, but no court can make him a father. I wish you luck with this tough situation.

PS: Perhaps you should look into more effective birth control, too.

cheebdragon's avatar

Im sorry but he sounds like a real ass.
If you can’t live with a 3rd abortion on your conscience, then don’t do it. I couldn’t live with it on mine, but that’s just me.
Do yourself a favor, take a day off work, or just take a few hours to get away from everyone and everything, and forget everything your boyfriend is saying, just decide based on your current situation in life, don’t include your boyfriend in any of your thoughts, just decide for you and you alone…..

Lovelocke's avatar

I forgot who said it… famous comedian though: “An accident… what the f—- do you mean an accident? Did you slip and fall on a d—-? Over and over again for about 5 minutes?”

That said. The choice is ultimately more yours than his. Him being financially stable has nothing to do with him being emotionally stable, or able to be a consistent and caring father. He may not be able to look upon your previous child with the same favor as he will a child of his own, and that may further cause a rift in this… oh what’s the PR term for it… “surrogate family unit”. An abortion-friendly (and familiar) mother figure, a “too busy to commit but not too busy to f—-” father figure, it seems that through it all there is a singular clean entity (or pair of them) and that’s the children in this scenario.

That said, the two of you are on kind of shaky ground to begin with, what’s to lead you to believe that he wants to be this child’s father fulltime? That said, why would you want to carry this kid if you are resorting to asking an online consortium of people who “surely must know better than you, but their advice must be flawed because they don’t KNOW you”? My advice would be, if you would like to find a good middle ground and stop flushing away your family tree would be to vote for ADOPTION. (don’t get me wrong, I’m pro choice all the way but three? Jesus Christ lady, get some god d—- birth control in you… there are solutions out there that you don’t even have to actively think about)

You can carry the child, experience the birth, remind yourself of just how unfun it is for nine months, and also put your man to the test. See if he sticks around the more your belly expands and the more he realizes his little “surprise” is going to sprout legs, lungs, eyes and more importantly, hands to hold out and a mouth to feed off of his objectively minuscule pool of wealth. If he doesn’t shove you down a staircase, he’ll certainly be shooting himself over the “We must marry because it wouldn’t be right OTHERWISE” mindset.

Of course you could always go down THAT route. If he is, in fact, at age 30 rich enough to be worth the 18-year savings plan otherwise known to females as Marriage, then take his ass to the bank. Raise the kid, be a mother, somewhere along the way get your tubes tied or get on some kind of birth control, use the time between middle school and graduation to join Curves or something to regain your hotness just in time for the divorce when the child hits age 15 or 16 so you can wrangle a new man or possibly be moved to the front of the queue at the job fair when you can effectively go back into “business for yourself”.

Nobody’s perfect, no… least of all myself, but one of the things I was always sure to do in my lifetime was NOT to knock up a girl, knowing full good and well that I’m not prepared or able to care for a child quite yet. I’ve still got those other equally worthless ambitions of “hopes and dreams” to look after, and if you’ve got the similar, weigh them against “Abortion, Extra Child, Adoption, Marriage, Divorce, Mortgage, Cooking, Cleaning, Possibly Working, Lifetime of Daytime Soaps and flirting on Yahoo Chat until the kids gain sentience and move on their angst-drizzled lives angry at mother for not loving them and daddy not caring”.

My name is Lovelocke, and at times I give out these “slap across the face” answers. They typically run on statistical information, growing trends and probability. If the language is harsh, it’s so that it’s memorable… more so than the “maybe you’re right, maybe you’re wrong” wishy-washy crap that doesn’t really help out.

Don’t fall for Sarah Palin’s charm. It’s time for America to go Black and not look back.

skfinkel's avatar

You really are in a tricky situation. I would look to your guy standing up and supporting you at this time. He has to make the break from his family (not literally, but emotionally—like standing on his own). If he loves you as you indicate he does (and frankly getting you pregnant a third time can’t be a complete accident), I would look to see some behavior from him that shows he is a grown man, will stand by you, and create a new family for himself. He knows how you feel, and you need to see how he acts at this time of crisis.

And what he does now is going to be critical in seeing what he does in the future. Let’s hope he tells his family that you are the love of his life, he wants you and this baby and your other child, and stands up for himself—like a man. If he doesn’t, you have to see that that is what you are getting, and make your decisions (staying with him, continuing to have a relationship with him, sharing your life with him, etc.) accordingly.

babyscorpio718's avatar

A woman knows what’s best for her own body and if you know that getting a third abortion isn’t safe then keep your baby. Go on birth control after you give birth. If he really love you he will be there after the baby is born. It isn’t his family choice who he wants to be with no matter what they think about you. He is a grown man that will do whatever he wants to do.

wundayatta's avatar

If I hear you right, abortion is not an option this time. You are having the baby. It doesn’t sound to me like you will let him talk you into an abortion. However, if you do, I don’t think your relationship will survive. Three deaths of children are a lot.

Now, I’m in favor of a woman’s right to choose. When I said three deaths, I was meaning the children of your mind, not the ones in your womb. The idea of your children is what people are really attached to, and even if we choose not to have those children, we still have to mourn them. When we feel enormous guilt along with the sadness, it’s generally too much for a relationship.

So, you’re having the child. The question is: will he be a real father, and interact on a daily basis with the child, and hopefully even live with you, or will he be a distant father, paying child support and never coming around?

You have to prepare for the worst, and hope for the best. You need to be thinking about what it will be like to live on your own, finish school, work, and take care of a child as a single mother. It’s hard, but it’s doable. You need to start planning for that now.

Do not count on your boyfriend. Act as if he’s not in the equation. Also act as if he’s not giving you any child support. Plan for the worst case.

I wouldn’t put any pressure on him. He’ll feel guilty when he sees you planning for this. What he’ll do? Who knows? He might decide to finally stand up to his parents, and move in with you. Maybe even marry you. Or he might decide to disappear. You can’t think about those things, or you’ll make yourself crazy.

My guess, though, is that he’ll get over his terror when he sees how strong you are being, and that you’re not trying to trap him. He loves you and your daughter. These are good things. When he sees his child, he’s going to feel things he had no idea of. He won’t want to be separate. But that’s just my guess.

As I say, prepare as if he’s not going to be there. But don’t be too surprised if he comes around.

susanc's avatar

Dump him.
You don’t need three children.

cyndyh's avatar

Don’t marry him. Take him to court for child support right away. Get on some birth control asap. You’ve already decided about everything else. You’ve set yourself and your kid(s) up for some real drama.

cheebdragon's avatar

Nothing says “I love you”, like being served with a child support order.

susanc's avatar

Nothing says “Be a man” like your child’s mother asking you to step up to the plate.

susanc's avatar

And nothing says “I was only fucking you because it was easy, regardless of all the sweet things I said” like deciding you’re too much of a big fat baby to stand up to your parents when you find out you’re going to be a daddy.

cheebdragon's avatar

LOL touché

Lovelocke's avatar

Nothing says “It’s a nonstop laugh riot that’ll make you hurt, make you think” like the still-in-planning youtube series of “Ask Lovelocke”.

That’s right. My ugly face spitting even uglier answers to life’s questions. Stay tuned.

AlfredaPrufrock's avatar

I would not compromise on terminating the pregnancy, but it sounds like you will not have much of a support network. If you don’t feel like you are in a position to raise a child on your own, perhaps you may want to consider adoption as the fourth alternative to abortion, raising the child on your own, or trying to force marriage.

I would be leery of marrying someone who impregnated me twice already, and did not insist on some form of birth control.

haptm1's avatar

I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time to respond. As of yet, we’re still in the boat.

To answer some questions:
His parents hate me for several reasons.
1. I am a single divorced mother
2. I have not finished school
3. I’m asian, he’s white
4. I suspect his mother is an evil witch and doesn’t feel anyone will ever be good enough for her precious son.

I’m actually was on birth control. Please no more bereting. I was on a low dosage pill and just wasn’t taking it as carefully as I should have been. Forgetting a day, once a week. That kind of thing. I know I know I know I know.

It’s just a horrible situation. And it’s really supposed to be a blessing. I’ll my decision in a week or two.

Thanks again.

krose1223's avatar

Good luck. I hope everything works out.

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