General Question

kevbo's avatar

What does it mean when a woman who is clearly interested in you offers [to step aside and set you] up [with] her attractive girlfriend?

Asked by kevbo (25624points) May 20th, 2009 from iPhone

This happened to me when I first met my girlfriend, and I’m seeing the same thing happen with someone else.

Is this a face value offer, a test of one’s genuine interest, or something else?

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46 Answers

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

We can only hope it means there’s going to be a 3-way….

But you probably want a girl to answer this…...

_bob's avatar

Understanding women: mission, impossible.

gambitking's avatar

There may be more “Setting You Up” going on than meets the eye

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

@bob_ Dun dun dun dun, dun dun DUN DUN, dun dun, dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun! ... DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

lol (someone get Tom Cruise on the line)

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Maybe she’s under the impression you don’t like her?

spresto's avatar

I think it is. That and women have this unknown, misunderstanding desire to deny themselves.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

@spresto @kevbo No I totally know what he’s talking about. Girls are like bent on denying themselves things they want. It’s weird.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Or maybe she and her friend both like you, but the friend liked you first, and so she’s trying to “be a good friend” and step out of the way.

kevbo's avatar

@La_chica_gomela, the timing is just the opposite in both cases if that helps. These are both cases where the girlfriends weren’t even in the picture until after the women’s interests were more or less established.

GAMBIT's avatar

It’s a contradiction. She must not like you that much if she is willing to step aside.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Then I revert to my original suggestion…or maybe (a) she did like you once, but she doesn’t like you as much anymore, or (b) maybe she was never romantically interested and you misinterpreted her signals, and she’s trying to exit gracefully?

_bob's avatar

Or, maybe she wants to know how good are you in bed, and the friend volunteered to do the research?

kevbo's avatar

A is possible. B is not.

FrankHebusSmith's avatar

If bob is right, i volunteer to do the research for you about your g/f’s bed abilities…..

_bob's avatar

Hey, I think I got it.

I’d say she wants to find out if you’re interested in her. If you agree to go out with her friend, she’ll know you’re not. On the other hand, if you turn her friend down, she’ll know she has a shot.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

It’s a trap. If you accept the offer to get set up, you’ll only end up at home alone.

andrew's avatar

@kevbo What stage of the game with girl A are we talking about? I’m assuming that a straightforward conversation about the set-up would ruin the flirtation at this point?

kevbo's avatar

Let’s say post first date/first makeout. In the case with my gf, I think it was a lot of the denial stuff that has been mentioned. In this other case, it’s less clear, although I guess the feel of the discussion could be characterized as flirting suddenly colored by contract negotiations (which I guess helps cough up an answer to the question).

Regardless, I’m mainly trying to understand what this craziness is about. Guys don’t offer up their guy friends, obviously.

elijah's avatar

I think @bob_ ‘s last answer is correct. I assume we are talking about when you first meet someone, within those first few weeks.
It’s just testing the water, so to speak.

La_chica_gomela's avatar

Kevbo, it sounds like you’re operating under the assumption that the two different women who followed a similar but not identical pattern with you, did it for the same reasons. I don’t think that that’s necessarily true.

_bob's avatar

@elijah “I think @bob ‘s last answer is correct”

/me does a little dance.

SuperMouse's avatar

She’s setting the guy up – and I’m not talking about setting him up for a date. She is chumming the water to figure out where this guy’s head is with her. If he takes the bait and asks to date the friend, she is out of there. If he doesn’t, then he is worthy of her love. Cynical? Maybe, but that was my first gut reaction to the question. Oh, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the other girl is in on the plan.

kevbo's avatar

@SuperMouse, wow. diabolical indeed. yeah, that makes sense (and sorry to discount any other similar answers). Weird, but whatever. I guess it must work as intended since it seems not uncommon.

spresto's avatar

My theory is, if you ask her if she is interested enough to go on a date and she give you some flaky back-water answer that gives you neither a yes or no; then ignore the chick, forget about her, maybe she will come looking for you in a few weeks.

elijah's avatar

@SuperMouse “set up” sounds so malicious LOL

ru2bz46's avatar

Harumph…women… [shakes head, looks down, and walks away mumbling]

La_chica_gomela's avatar

It sounds to me like you guys are sure in a rush to judge this woman and find her guilty of doing something malicious and underhanded when we have no idea what’s really going on.

To me, it sounds a lot more malicious to jump to such conclusions about what kind of person she is, and then, to apply them to a general “women” (yes, I’m looking at you @ru2bz46) than to send a man on a date with your friend.

SuperMouse's avatar

@La_chica_gomela you make a great point, for some reason that was my gut reaction so I had to share it.

FYI, I would like to point out for the record that I am incredibly in love with the most amazing man on the planet, and I have never done this type of thing! Seriously, I haven’t!

joybells34's avatar

She really wants you to ask her out but instead she is doing the whole “I’m so sweet and always think of others” thing. She will end up resenting you and your friendship if you ask this other person out on a date. It’s just how some girls work

La_chica_gomela's avatar

@SuperMouse: I’m not trying to critize you for sharing your ideas. That’s what we’re all here to do. I’m just trying to caution everyone against jumping to conclusions.
no offense intended :)

ru2bz46's avatar

I wasn’t jumping to conclusions, @La_chica_gomela. I was listening to the women coming up with the weird, diabolical games that might be being played. And you guys wonder why we can’t figure you out? It reminds me of a game my current wife played when we first got married:

She and my first wife became friends once they met. We lived next door to each other. My first wife was dating a guy, and they were planning a trip with my former mother-in-law and sister-in-law. The boyfriend was going to drive. At the last minute, he backed out, and the three were facing the fact that there would be no trip. My new wife suggested that I drive them on their trip since we all got along so well. Having no weird intentions of my own, I agreed to be the chauffeur.

When I got back from my friendly drive, my new wife was furious! Why? Because I drove my former wife and her family on a weekend trip at my wife’s suggestion! WTF?

[shakes head, looks down, and walks away mumbling]

wundayatta's avatar

If she’s using this ploy to see how much you like her (hoping you will turn her down), she’s either fucking devious, or she has low self-esteem.

I’m more of the mind to think this means she doesn’t really like you and is trying to let you down gently, by making you her friend’s problem.

Of course, either interpretation doesn’t say much about the woman. However, I have seen how women really hate to hurt people, even when hurting them is the best thing to do, so they mess around, not being straight with a guy, in hopes he’ll disappear in some magical way, and she won’t have to tell him to his face that she doesn’t like him and he should get lost.

Jack79's avatar

There are only two scenarios I can think of (and that’s because women are devious enough to have more than one).

1) She feels insecure or has misread your signals, and since she can’t have you, decides you’re too good to be wasted, and passes you on to a true friend.
2) She is testing you, the friend usually being in on her plan.

There are combinations and variations of these two.

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I’m going to second daloon with the part about the woman may like you but isn’t sure how much you like her. Throwing up the idea of the other woman gives you the opportunity to turn the idea down and profess your interest. If that’s not it then it’s just a dumb thing to propose to a guy unless she’s into multiple partners and is feeling you out for that; the odds are, she isn’t.

chyna's avatar

@kevbo “This happened to me when I first met my girlfriend.” So did you ever ask her why she did it to you? And is this question still about you, or about a friend this is happening to, because I get that is happening to a friend, but people are answering it as if for you.

rooeytoo's avatar

Maybe it is your imagination (or ego) that makes it seem that she is so “clearly interested” in you. When in fact she just doesn’t care that much so sets you up with someone else????? I am surprised nobody else thought of that.

I don’t think women own the entire market share of deviousness

kevbo's avatar

@chyna, with my gf, I think it was more on the self denial track and aybe not letting a good guy go to waste. (I say this with some irony, because her girlfriend was a bag of drama who would have been misery to deal with.)

This case, (separate, but whatever) isn’t the same dynamic, I don’t think. It’s becoming more clear as the responses bubble up that this is probably more of a test.

My brain keeps circling between “how stupid” and “makes sense.” Truly we are wired differently.

BookReader's avatar

…i stick with the one my heart connects with- no other deal is gonna work…

nikipedia's avatar

How opposed are you to calling her out on this? Can you just ask her and report back?

Nimis's avatar

It’s not just a girl thing. Guys offer up their friends as well.
Happened to me with an old ex boyfriend.

The friend and I hit it off, but I stopped it before it got serious.
While I didn’t want to start anything with my ex boyfriend at the time,
I realized it would really complicate things in the future if we ever did.
In retrospect, my ex boyfriend says he was crazy for setting me up.

Unless this girl has some serious issues,
it sounds like a lot of people are over-thinking this one a bit.

She is clearly interested.
While her actions say otherwise, it may not be clear to her.
Or if they are clear to her, there may be some conflict.
(ie She doesn’t want to to get into a serious relationship right now.)

Offers to set you up with a friend.
She thinks you’re a good guy. (Not letting a good guy go to waste.)
Or she thinks you’re a particularly good match for her friend.

Shouldn’t always mistake conflicted with manipulative.

filmfann's avatar

I think she might have low self esteem, and wants to date you vicariously.
I might be wrong. I also thought Cloverfield was a great movie.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

I also agree that (if you’re positive there was something there) this is her way of seeing if you truly like her. She might hope that you would instead say something like “I appreciate the offer, but I’m a little into you already”. While it’s admittedly not the best way to handle the situation, it probably stems from insecurities she has about not wanting to be rejected.

An aside: Guy also do this. An ex of mine told me to go for someone else who had come into my life, who he loathed. My ex said he wanted me to be happy, but I have a feeling he was just testing me to see if I’d go for it.

kevbo's avatar

Wow. In a million years, I couldn’t imagine saying “go out with my friend,” I mean unless I wasn’t interested and thought they’d be good together. Never heard of guys doing that. Baffling.

Cloverfield was a great movie, and I wish I’d seen it on the IMAX.

_bob's avatar

Cloverfield was freakin’ AWESOME.

andrew's avatar

I also loved Cloverfield!

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