Should I tell my close brother what his teenage son confided with me?

why do you think his father needs to know? To what purpose?

He told you something in condfidence. The kid is 17. Unless you can prevent him committing suicide, or something else drastic….dont tell his dad.

If it is something that could potentially affect the health and welfare of the son (or anyone else), then yes, you need to speak to your brother.

I would tell the nephew that morally/legally/whateverlly, you find that you cannot keep this to yourself so that he is aware that he has put you in an untenable situation. Tell him that you are sorry for that, but you felt he should know what you plan to do. And then talk to your brother.

You promised. He will never trust you again. Your brother needs someone that can guide his son and you are that person.

This is a tough issue and I wish I had time to answer at length but I don’t. If the secret is something that may endanger your nephew’s life or well-being, I would do what syz suggested and tell your nephew that you have to tell your brother unless he wants to first. If it is a less harmful confidence, I would probably keep the secret for the sake of your trust relationship with your nephew.

Unless he’s planning to harm himself or someone else, you should not tell. You should tell him instead that you are uncomfortable being put in that situation but that you’re happy he has trusted you. Talk to him about how to tell his father – your brother – and perhaps offer to be there with him.

@SarasWhimsy Terrific answer. My thoughts exactly.

I am so confused! And I feel so guilty! Wait… I’ll have another drink.

Why do you feel guilty?

My line in the sand is danger. If he or someone else is not in imminent danger, don’t tell. If he is, do so immediately. Let him know you will be telling unless he does so first.

Souns like we’re all on the same page with the advice.

No,because you should always keep a confidence,unless the person intends to self harm themselves.

my personal advice, from previous experience is if it affects him or any of his family or close friends or people in any way then there is need to tell. But if it’s something that isn’t serious and that won’t harm him or any other then keep the secret. Or, if there really is the need to tell him, you can slowly drop hints (if it’s possible) or let him be aware of the situation without making things too obvious to his son that “the beans were spilled”. Good Luck!

If you have to tell your brother then tell your nephew that you are going to tell and why you feel you have to tell. Give him a chance to be there with you or to tell his dad himself.

He told you because he didn’t believe he could trust his parents enough to tell him. Since he’s 17, maybe he had a really good reason not to tell them, like believing that he would be kicked out or face drastic consequences. Unless he’s in danger, telling his parents would be a major betrayal. It would be even worse to tell the parents without discussing it with your nephew first. @augustlan and @SarasWhimsy made a good point about danger being the line in the sand. If it’s anything less, it should be up to your nephew to decide who needs to know. Especially if his secret is that he is gay. Being outed by someone you trusted is a really shitty experience.

oh I so love @augustlan and @janbb .. you know really in your heart what’s right @Tomfafa… talk to your nephew first if you must… but use your discretion… we should never look the other way when we can help them..whoever that maybe..who are you going to help?

There is no danger to any… except maybe to an unborn baby.

Your nephew could be using your reaction as a gauge to see how his parents might react. I agree with everyone else, don’t tell them. Certainly advise your nephew to tell them, but he might need more time in order to feel comfortable doing so. Something that you can do is keep talking to your nephew about it – make him feel more comfortable about it, tell him that it’s ok. Mistakes happen. He will have to face consequences no matter what, but his life is not over. Bottom line is making sure he knows he can trust you, and making sure he knows that you’re on his side.

So the implication is that he impregnated a young woman?

My answer stays the same. If it is true that a young lady is indeed pregnant by your nephew, it will come out soon enough. He needed someone to talk to that wouldn’t judge him, but probably needed your advice on how to proceed.

Tough call. Without having read all of the responses, if it’s about drugs, like he’s using, then….I think you should tell the father.
If he got a girl pregnant, Dad will find out soon enough.
Or…if he’s gay. Dad will find out eventually.
Well, everything @augustlan said!

did your nephew get someone prego? if she’s keeping the child, you should probably tell your brother.

^^ If that’s the case, I think you should offer to be w/him & stand by him when he tells your brother.

You should talk with him again about talking to his father.

No need to tell immediately, if that’s the case. I agree w/ @ccrow offer your support when he tells his father.

Of course I will always stand by him… and he must tell his father… he is also planning to skip college… He doesn’t need college (he is very bright) since I gave him a trust fund which he will collect at 21 (or 18 if he does continue school)

I don’t think the op suggested that this was an issue of pregnancy (did he?)...but if it is, eventually grandpa should know. And I’ll bet the son comes to that realization himself. He’s got months (I assume) to dwell on it. Part of becoming a man is owning up. That is something he needs to decide to do. That is IF this is an issue of pregnancy.
Wait..I see what the OP said…oh dear. It doesn’t sound like the plan at this point is to keep the child. Or adopt. Oh geez….

@Tomfafa Oh – he really does need college!

If it is indeed the case that he has potentially become a father, then I believe you should encourage him to talk to his parents about it, and offer to stand by his side when he does. My stepson impregnated a girl during the same time period that we discovered that we were infertile together. The girl carried the child to term and placed it for adoption. We would have loved to have been allowed to raise that child, at least been able to help the couple make whatever decision they feel is best.

As to skipping college, I would suggest that he figure out a plan (exclusive of the trust fund) for what he wants to do with his life. Offer to help him put together what is in essence a business plan, and then stand by him while he presents it to his parents. He may not need college, but he does need a purpose in life. My relatives by marriage who won a large lottery pot are the best example of how not to handle windfalls. They have no hobbies, no children, and no real reason to get up in the morning.

I know EXACTLY when it happened because it happened at my house when I let them stay over during the summer.

@Tomfafa Enable-er!

@Tomfafa What? Um…how is the girl?

They probably need to talk to each set of parents if they are planning to keep the baby. You might want to be around for moral support when he/they talk to his parents but I think it is his job to do.

Then don’t open your yap. That is the universally applicable advice. It works every time.

@Val123 The girl is a nice girl… still, only 17.
@UScitizen Your advice is the best and the one I will follow!
Everybody here is so great! Thank you all!
.....
Except chyna!

@Tomfafa Hon…that wasn’t asked to imply that she wasn’t a nice girl! I was literally concerned about her age. I’m guess I was just concerned about….well, it’s too late now, anyway.

You are the adult and as such you are the responsible party here. If you didn’t promise to keep your mouth shut (which you should never do when talking to minors) then you have no obligation to keep it shut. Sounds like this kid needs some help. If you aren’t going to give it to him maybe you should open your yap so that he can get it somewhere else. Not to mention the poor girl, who knows what kinda support she has or is lacking.

BTW teens always ask you not to tell. It is best when they say that to clearly say “now that is a decision I will make after we discuss this”.

@Tomfafa Hey! Just stating the facts…

Parenting is a bitch. You need every advantage you can get.
Tell your brother. Tell him not to say he was told. He should be able to use the knowledge to help his son without showing he knows it.

@Tomfafa – If you choose to follow @UScitizen‘s advice you will be doing your family and your nephew a grave wrong. While running to your brother and blurting out your nephew’s secret is not the best course of action, getting your nephew to see that he needs to tell his parents, with or without your support, will benefit the entire family best in the long run.

@filmfann Um…but what if @Tomfafa is the only other person he told?

@Val123 Dad could still randomly bring up the topic say after watching a carefully chosen movie. Or bring up a similar topic and say something like “no matter how pissed I am I’m going to support you” so that son gets the message.

everything will unfold perfectly, do what you need to do at the time you need to do it… x

@Val123 I did not promise not to tell. I left it open. My nephew is a great kid… very very bright… a pilot… there is nothing he can’t do. I will talk him into telling my brother… when I am sober. After new years.

@Tomfafa THAT’S the number one best idea! Talk him into telling your Bro. He might even ask that you tell him first so he doesn’t have to experience the immediate, emotional reaction. In fact, that may be the very reason he DID tell you, even after you didn’t promise not to tell. Sounds like he wants some…..intervention here.

Good luck.

I would take advantage of this situation and be a good role model for your nephew. Make the best decisions based on what your brother would want you to do, but don’t go running behind your nephew’s back. Once he feels that you (a grown up) are comfortable and tolerant, he may choose to tell his dad on his own.

@Val123 I will not tell my brother first… if he was man enough to conceive, he must be man enough to man up to it! What did I just say? I need a nap!

@Tomfafa Kids conceive all the time. He’s still a kid and he is going to need help and support. I would be nice if only men and women could conceive but that is just not the case. Telling someone to “man up” rarely solves any problems. I am not saying that having him tell his dad is a bad idea, by no means, it is a great idea, if he chooses to do it. If not then you have a big responsibility on your hands.

@RedPowerLady You are correct… I am in a lose lose no matter what.

@Tomfafa Hopefully in the end it’ll be a winning situation knowing that your nephew got the support he needed. Just to re-frame into a positive. Although I am sorry you are in such a sticky situation.

@Tomfafa No, you are NOT in a lose lose! Not by a long shot. In fact, you have a chance to show your nephew what it means to BE a man…to do what a man has to do, which, as we know, isn’t always what we WANT to do….. however, I disagree with “if he was man enough to conceive, he must be man enough to man up to it! ” ‘Cause a 13 year old can conceive! That doesn’t make them a man (or a “woman”) by a long shot!

Thanks guys… I have had too many adult beverages… we are at okemo ski resort.

@Tomfafa when you say possible harm to an unborn baby, do you mean your nephew and his girlfriend are considering abortion? If so, does she have access to a legal abortion?

@MagsRags Yes…. I don’t know about those things…

@Tomfafa Just for your general info here- my niece was 16 when she & her boyfriend made their first baby. They both finished high school, then got married. They are now in their early 30s w/4 kids & a stable marriage & home. It doesn’t always end badly.

@ccrow Thanks! I don’t even know how serious this relationship is.

@Tomfafa if they live in NY as I see you do, legal abortion should be fairly available if that is what they decide on. Some more rural states have major psychological and geographic hoops that have been set up to make medically safe abortion feel less accessible.

Ideally, this young couple needs some counseling about the choice they’re facing – it has to be the girl’s decision about whether to continue the pregnancy or end it, and if she continues, whether to parent or adopt. You nephew should be telling her how he feels about the options, but in the end, he needs to support her in her choice.

Sometimes families can help teens sort through this without pressuring to create the outcome they the older adults want and sometimes not. Can you help your nephew and his girl get the counseling they need ASAP? They may want to have their own thoughts sorted out and decisions made before they face their parents. It’s possible the girl doesn’t feel she can involve her parents at all.

@MagsRags I guess I could… tell you the truth… I kinda got excited about a new baby… I need to get one for myself… anyway I think I really stunned him by my positive reaction. It was only this morning he told me.

@Tomfafa I dont know…ive been in the situation that this young man (youre nephew) is in when i was 20 yrs old…i didnt want to tell my parents either but i was very confused with everything happening. I wasnt sure if i was making the right choice, if i had the money to do so, i started to feel extremely guilty and depressed after we did what had to be done.

Your nephew might just need someone to talk too and since he confided in you it must mean he trusts you enough to maybe want a response from you like “Hey would you like to talk about this?”. Why not try talking to him in private about the situation and see if he needs to let anything off his chest. From then you might be able to suggest that he talks to his parents about it.

Only if the secret has the potential to harm the boy seriously, then you have a responsibility tell his Dad. If not, then you should abide by the fact that the conversation between you and him was “confidential”, and you should respect that.

I just ran across this thread. What ended up happening?