General Question

Perchik's avatar

How can I get over her?

Asked by Perchik (4982points) March 13th, 2008

First, if you feel that this is just silly high school drama stuff, please just move on, don’t comment, as this is a very sensitive topic for me.

Last year I met a girl. We did everything together, went out on dates, first with friends, then one on one. From about the second day I knew her, I knew she had a boyfriend and I decided to ignore it. Over the course of about 10 months I fell desperately in love with her. We did everything together and I lived for the next moment I’d spend with her. It was easy to ignore the fact that she had a boyfriend; we’re in college and her boyfriend was “back home” [4 hours away.] While we were together, people thought we were dating. We drove across the state (4 hours) to a concert, we went to the beach together. We even shared a bed a couple times. When she had some really rough times, she called me. And I, her.

Over the summer she went back home and I didn’t get to see her much. Due to monetary constraints she didn’t make it back here. She had to drop out and attend school back home. Last semester I forced myself to move on, even had a girlfriend for about a month. But I just couldn’t love her like I loved Emily.

Emily came up to visit last weekend. We went out to dinner with her friends. As usual she was all over me, picked up right where we ended, we pretended we were dating.
But I can’t keep doing this. I have to get over her, because she’s made it clear she’ll not leave her boyfriend for me. And right now, if she comes back up here, I’m gonna go right back to her, like nothing ever changed. I’ve decided I can’t do this anymore. I want to move on but my fear right now, is that if I move on, start a relationship with someone, if Emily comes back, I will end up going to Emily.

How can I completely get over her, to the point where I can tell her no when she comes back, regardless of whether or not I’m dating someone?

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24 Answers

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kisses88's avatar

simply put babe u need to realize emily didn’t make u the man u are today. No amount of pretending to be a couple will fix the fact that u never will be one. If your as amazing as u think then free her! u deserve a girl thats gonna stand on the Rooftops and not be afraid to tell the world about how she feels about u ! Plus think of wat shes doin to her bf if he ever found out about u two it would kill him.

Perchik's avatar

He actually knows about me and she assure him that I’m just a good friend. He doesn’t like me at all, but he does trust her to not do anything with me. And she hasn’t.

ev0481's avatar

it all depends on wat type of person I r n wat u decide.Are u so strong willed or hard headed that u’ll stand up2her n demand2know were its all going?r u such a romantic u will try 2 go for the fairyrale ending and declaire ur love 4 her in hopes of the same response?or admit failure now to “cut your losses short”.The answer u want no one can give u.She will from what u say always be a huge mile stone in ur life.u need to do way ever is going to let u sleep at night wether because it was the right thing2do or it just made ur stomach not turn wen u think about her.good luck

andrew's avatar

[admin says]: please trying cleaning up the txt speak, kiddies.

kisses88's avatar

There’s more to it if random people think of you two as a couple. Why put ur heart through the pain see clears has made her mind up about who she wants. Focus ur attention on someone/something thats worth your time and energy.

Poser's avatar

I don’t think you’ll like my answer—I wouldn’t—but you’ve got to forget her. Lay it all out for her. For the sake of your sanity, tell her that you can never see her again. And then don’t.

Don’t hang out. Don’t call. Don’t “pretend” date. Never see her again. It’ll be tough—near impossible—at first. I can’t imagine having to go through it. But it’s like a band-aid. Quickly. Get it over with.

Then live your life. Everytime you find yourself thinking about her, do something else to occupy your mind. Eventually, she’ll just be a fond memory. And if there’s justice in the world, you’ll find someone better.

Trust me—time truly does heal all wounds.

jz1220's avatar

Agree 100% with Poser. I’ve dealt with a “male Emily” myself, and the only things that helped me get over it were time and distance. Sever all ties. You’ve got to be a bit of a masochist here, but in the end you will have done yourself a huge favor.

Perchik's avatar

Oh. So maybe I didn’t make myself 100% clear.. I really want to forget her…I guess I’m really asking for advice on how to do that. I think everyone’s had great advice so far. Thanks!

Poser's avatar

Well, short of hypnotism or brain injury, you can’t actually forget her. But with time and distance, the heartache will subside. Just get away.

Perchik's avatar

Hah. My last post is a prime example of why fluthering while sleep deprived is not good. I don’t think I meant “forget her” but it’s cool. Thanks guys

Poser's avatar

I received an email last night from an lady friend I used to know. She and I worked together—deployed together actually, so we spent a lot of time together—and we grew really close when my marriage started to tank. She was my best friend during a really tough time. I was certain I was falling in love with her. I believed that, were our situations different, we would be happy together forever. We never got involved romantically, though in a moment of weakness (and drunkenness) I told her I was in love with her.

Her email got me to thinking about her again. Though I still consider her a great friend (one of those you only talk to every few years), hindsight makes me see that even if we had met in completely different circumstances, with no hindrances to our relationship, we still wouldn’t be together. Not like I wanted back then. We made (make) great friends, but we’re not relationship material.

That’s happened with at least two other women—I was certain at the time that we could be great together, but looking back I know I wouldn’t have been happy. They’re still great friends.

The great thing about it is that I’m now with the best person for me. My “soul-mate,” if you will. The “one.” Had I still been hung up on any of the others, I might not have seen her when she came into my life (at exactly the right time).

Maybe it’s age or experience, but it took me a while to figure out what kind of woman I wanted and needed. I’m glad it all worked out and I found her. But had you told me back then that these women weren’t all I thought they were, I wouldn’t have believed it.

Good luck.

jbrandonf's avatar

How do you think Emily is feeling about you? This girl only saw you as backup, somebody to stimulate her mind while she was away from the person who meant something to her.

Use this as a learning experience. Prevent this by focusing on other areas of your life. Don’t become complacent just because you meet a girl you like.

Be honest with your intentions to yourself and the woman you’re dealing with. After two or three weeks of flirting/dating if you give her the Me or Him talk, you’ll save yourself a lot of time and heartache if she chooses another guy. This has a lot to do with self-respect. You can’t let yourself play second fiddle to ANY guy.

Valhalla30's avatar

I think she is always going to be capable of lying and cheating. You don’t want to always wonder, do you? Stay busy, get back out there & it just takes time. I am sorry you are going through this but you really deserve someone who feels as strongly and wouldnt dream of lying or trying to share you

Emilyy's avatar

Ugh, I’m wading in a murky sea of AIM language.

Emily led you on. It’s as simple as that. When I was reading what you wrote, I might as well have been reading something written about me when I was younger. My name is Emily, so the similarity even creeped me out a little!

Emily wants to have her cake and eat it too. Emily enjoys your friendship. She may like you, love you, appreciate you, etc. She probably “doesn’t want to hurt you.” And honestly, her boyfriend is not what’s standing in the way of you two being together. If she sees you as a friend, that’s the role that you’re playing in her life, and your status as her friend is the thing that’s keeping her from pursuing you. If she felt the way about you that you feel about her, she might leave her boyfriend. Friendships can grow into something more, but I don’t know if that’s in the cards for you right now. And you can’t very well live hoping that one day she’ll love you like you love her. At this point, it is a win-win situation for her. She gets to have her boyfriend and also gets to have you, her rad best male friend/semi-ambiguous at-college boyfriendesque figure in her life.

Honestly, this is the hardest thing that you could do, but my suggestion for getting over her is to make a clean break. At this point, she doesn’t see you the way you see her so rather than engage in this one-sided “friendship,” you’d better off without her. If you cut off all communication from her, then A) you don’t have to see her, meet up with her, be her shoulder to cry on any more (and hopefully the healing can begin), and B) She might just realize what she lost when she lost you. This is NOT to say that she will come back to you, and you should wait for her, but at least she might learn a valuable lesson about treating people with respect rather than just selfishly seeking out her own self-interested happiness. And telling her that you don’t want to see her any more will probably give you a lot of strength.

In the meantime, I suggest lots and lots of hobbies to busy yourself with. Take up the cello. Learn to ride a unicycle. Hang out with as many friends as you can.

cwilbur's avatar

The two traditional answers:

1. Drink heavily.

2. Find someone else and get involved.

I’m not sure you can just get over her easily; you’ll probably still wonder, in 20 years, what happened to her. The key is to stop falling for her and picking up where you left off, and exactly how to do that depends on you.

For me, an approach like this works: you know the deal: she’s using you for companionship while her boyfriend is unavailable. Don’t forget that: the idea that you can have her is an illusion. Remind yourself of that when she calls and wants to get together. You can’t have her. She’s someone else’s. She’s taking advantage of you. If I can keep that monologue going, I don’t pick up where we left off.

For a friend of mine, who was in love/lust with someone who was very bad for him: he broke it off cold, stopped answering the phone or email, never saw the person for 6 months or so. In the meanwhile, he got involved with someone else, and when the first person came back, he had the fortitude to say “no thanks.”

Maybe swearing off any female companionship for six months or a year? Be celibate. That’s another thing I did, when I was having a lot of not-good-for-me sex when I wanted love. I told myself, no sex for a year, period, and it was definitely the right thing to do at the time.

modelchik4's avatar

you need to change your number. That’s what I did to get over a boyfriend that I didnt need to be with. I had his number still but I had the power not to call him but I didnt have the power to not answer his phone calls. Yes changing ur phone number is something drastic but it seriously helped me out in the long run. It made it easier for me to forget him cause we had no contact at all.

srmorgan's avatar

I am kind of a graybeard (old) guy around here, Perchik and I am years past your situation.
But I will say to you that you have gotten some very good advice and support from the Flutherites who answered your question.

Quit her. Don’t call her, don’t take her calls, don’t leave anything open-ended. Convince yourself that it is over. You’ve been given many suggested courses of action and you will have to find out which one works best for you: celibacy, new girlfriend, taking up the cello. All good ideas and you will work this out.

The image will fade, you’ll question what you saw in her, in a little while the whole thing won’t be important anymore. Good Luck.

kevbo's avatar

The only thing I’ll add (and this may run contrary to the above) is to dig until you find something about her you dislike. Maybe she’s a little too self important for your tastes… something along those lines.

punkrockworld's avatar

Well, obviously she doesn’t think its necessary to drop her old boyfriend back home. Please move on and try not to think about her that often. She’s not really worth it and you deserve better. Don’t keep doing this to yourself.

Genius's avatar

Dear, forgetting aabout her will take time, but then you will know that you were in a big lie which u used to believe in…
sorry for that but i have to say my opinion according to my experience.

PLZ, let me ur latest news..
see ya

breedmitch's avatar

Perchik, where are you??

jellyone's avatar

Hmmm… hanging out together will not help. Probably need to go cold turkey for a while. Be open to finding someone new, but just enjoy life outside of dating for a while and you never know what will happen!

XxSHYxxGUYxX's avatar

I suggest you talk to her about this. Get it straight accross and out of the way. Tell her what you feel and ask her what she’s upto. Ask her why’s shes been acting like shes dating you and yet she’s not ready to leave her boyfriend. If you guys shared a bed, you’re definitely together. I suggest you clear the confusion and then decide what to do… Communication is always the best. Lack of it thereof leads to misunderstandings and confusion.

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