General Question

rainboots's avatar

How can I deal with my boyfriend hanging out at a strip club?

Asked by rainboots (287points) July 16th, 2010

So my boyfriend works at a strip club. He is a bartender. He is there two days a week. 10:00am to about 7:30pm. One day a week he hangs out. When he is done at work he stays there (sometimes almost till close 2:30 am) with a friend, sometimes with co-workers. Now, I should tell you that i do have trust issues but also that I have made a lot of change.
I’m not okay with strip clubs. It’s a life style that I do not want in my life.A strip club is an ongoing party. In this case it is about me not being okay with my boyfriend becoming close with co workers that take their clothes off. Its not that I don’t like strippers. I know strippers and I like some of them but my boyfriend hanging out at a strip club once a week doesn’t impress me. I’m stuck on how to deal with this or what to do about it.

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58 Answers

Nullo's avatar

I am of the opinion that nobody should be going to strip clubs.

Explain to your boyfriend that you don’t like it when he goes to the club, and why. Encourage him to find employment elsewhere.

Scooby's avatar

At the end of the day he has a job he obviously likes, :-/ how many people can say that these days? The big question is do you trust this guy to be faithful to you, if not then maybe time to think about moving on.
I once worked in a bar, not a strip joint granted just a bar & restaurant in my younger days. My GF at that time had similar issues as yourself & would often berate me for staying back to socialise after my work was done. There were a lot of female staff who I had a great working relationship with & I would often talk about them (nothing to hide) with my GF but she would get a little wound up about it, in the end she decided the best course of action was to break up, I wasn’t going to give a job up I really enjoyed plus the money was great plus tips & I got fed for free which she benefited from too, free meals here & there. She just couldn’t come to terms with me having a lot of female friends, even when she knew nothing at all was going on, because most of the time she would be there with me as she started to show up when my shift was due to end…. It’s all about trust once that nagging doubt creeps in it’ll kill what you have, it did for us & I’m going back over twenty years ago! :-/ maybe time to leave!?
It’s either that or he finds another job that you’re going to be happier with him doing, you could just tell him how you feel & see how he reacts, least that way you’ll know for sure which direction is best for you “ should I stay or should I go? “ good luck…. ;-)

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

“I’m not okay with strip clubs. It’s a life style that I do not want in my life.”

Then what’s it doing in your life?

Pandora's avatar

You only have two choices really available to you.
Either you accept something you don’t approve of to perserve your relationship.
Or you move on.
Now his choices are,
Move on
or get a different job to perserve your relationship.

If this is something that is totally unacceptable to you, I don’t see what anyone can say can make you see this in a different way. Some things just are.
I once dumped a guy I was totally in love with because I found out that he was dating someone else at the same time. I knew without a doubt that I don’t like to share.
I had girlfriends who told me to teach him a lesson by dating other guys. It wasn’t in my personality to do so and I didn’t want to be with someone who felt it was ok to lie to me.

Some things are just deal breakers in a relationship. So you have to decide if this one is yours.
If you are going to act jealous or suspicious while he is working there than it may be best to break things off till he decides to change professions or change girlfriends.

LuckyGuy's avatar

This issue will eat at you forever. Move on. It s not worth the pain.

FutureMemory's avatar

@rainboots Did he have this job when you met him?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Knock his teeth out.
You can’t do a thing except tell him how you feel.If he chooses to do nothing,then leave

ninahenry's avatar

@FutureMemory I don’t see why that makes a difference…?

It’s difficult to trust people and become vulnerable but that’s what people in relationships do. How serious is your relationship? Are you living together? And most importantly, how much time do you spend together? If he isn’t able to find time to see his friends/co-workers outside of work then he may be staying behind after work to hang out with them because he has no time elsewhere. Every guy needs ‘guy time’ and ‘alone time’, but it’s a problem you can certainly raise if he’s coming home at 2.30am to you. Otherwise, I’d say give him some space and don’t jump at every opportunity to see him. See your friends more to get your mind off the issue and as soon as he realises that you’re not just going to be there to tuck him into bed after he’s out with his mates and that you’re wanted and have other things to do he’ll want to spend more time with you – if he really cares, you’ll find out that way.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Lucille had a good answer. (The second part, not the first part) as did Ninahenry. You didn’t indicate his age, but a mature person will see beyond the strippers.

Marva's avatar

@rainboots Look how intresting your situation is:
You, a person with trust issues, have unconciously chosen for a boyfriend who confronts you with your problem. The question is, did you choose him in order that you can solve your problem, or because it is unsolved (not the same thing).

Please give more infornatio about his side: did you talk to him about it? what did he say?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Pandora Isn’t there a 3rd option? Compromise: He keeps his job, but comes home after work and doesn’t spend a day off there. If that is a deal-breaker for either one, then maybe it is time to break up.

ninahenry's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer she can’t really tell him what to do though. If that’s the only place for him to see his friends she can’t force him to get other friends.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

You could always become a stripper and hang out with all the boys.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies You just hit the ball out of the park. I like the idea. If he doesn’t wise up, I don’t know what else she could do.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Uh… Let’s not hold our breath waiting for him to “wise up”. I’ve never been one to associate Wisdom with Strip Club BartendersI could be wrong.

If @rainboots standards were as high as her expectations, this question would never have been asked in the first place.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Thanks for bringing me back to reality, sadly. I agree with your wisdom and bartender quote. Sometimes, life just sucks.

Facade's avatar

I would break it off. Strip clubs are disgusting in my opinion, and if my SO couldn’t choose another place to hang out, then that’d be it. People who enjoy them have a certain mentality that I don’t agree with.
If it’s bothering you that much, tell him how you feel, ask him to change, and leave if he doesn’t.

Aster's avatar

It’ll be an issue unless he quits. If he quits he’s doing that for you. If he Doesn’t quit, which I’m sure he won’t, why would you want him?
Tell him if he wants to see naked women to get a subscription to Penthouse. He won’t do that either. He could have this job Years from now or one similar.

daytonamisticrip's avatar

tell him if he doesn’t stop going its over no questions. if he decides to keep going beak it of, for now, if he does stop than give him another chance.

daytonamisticrip's avatar

he can still work there just no extra hours

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Yeah, that’s what makes every guy happy, having a woman around to tell him what he can and cannot do.

daytonamisticrip's avatar

I’m guessing your a guy

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

What difference does it make?

daytonamisticrip's avatar

she wants a committed relationship if he dousn’t want that he can go to the strip club and its over

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Point is, we can accept people for who they are and what they choose to associate themselves with. But that acceptance does not ensure that we must choose to be in a relationship with that person, just so we can change their life to make us feel more secure with ourselves.

Take it or leave it. It’s really quite simple.

nikipedia's avatar

One option would be to get over your dislike of strip clubs. I think they’re fun.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Disney Land is fun too, until we discover how the Boss enslaves Mickey to do his bidding, at the expense of degrading his sense of self worth, taking advantage of his Mousehood.

MrsDufresne's avatar

You mentioned that you have trust issues.
That is where you should look to begin a resolution.

In other words, you can only change your own feelings about his job.
You can’t change his decision about having that job.

If he cares about you, he will take your feelings into consideration, and vise versa.
If you care about him, you will take his feelings into consideration.

If neither of you can compromise, it may be time for a break in order to sort things out. You should take some time and talk about your feelings with one another.

All the best to you both.

Response moderated (Off-Topic)
nikipedia's avatar

Also I think it is weird and passive aggressive to post your relationship questions here in this public forum that you know your boyfriend reads and participates in. If your goal is to express your dismay to him, you might want to just have a conversation…with him.

kayla8222's avatar

If your boyfriend just wants a girl like that, leave him, you honestly could do better. If all he wants is a slut for a girlfriend then let him have it. But you don’t have to change anything about you. Just be you. :)

Seaofclouds's avatar

Honestly, I think if you can’t accept it the only option is to move on. What’s the difference between him working there and hanging out one night? I’m sure he gets to talk to the people there while working (afterall I’m sure he gets breaks).

You could try to get him to stop hanging out, but that could lead to him resenting you because now he loses that time of hanging out with his friends if they don’t want to go somwehere else.

You could try to get him to look for another job, but if he has a hard time finding another job making the amount of money he is making now, that could lead to him resenting you as well and causing even more problems because you add financial issues into the mix.

kayla8222's avatar

I have to agree with @Seaofclouds, they are right! :)

wundayatta's avatar

Ya’ll gotta talk.

Fully and honestly.

FutureMemory's avatar

@ninahenry If she was OK with him working there when they met, but has now changed her mind I would say it’s relevant. Why should he have to change his job because she has now decided she doesn’t like it?

ninahenry's avatar

@FutureMemory You have a good point, but perhaps he wasn’t spending time there after work earlier in the relationship or you’d think she would have called it off or brought it up already. I just got the impression that this issue had developed over time but I totally get your point and maybe @rainboots can help us out with a little more information.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Ask him if his relationship investment with you is the kind he’s willing to make some changes for. He could find another job but he’s got to want your respect and well being enough to make the change and not act like he does it “just for you”. Aside from that, I’d leave him and find someone else to invest in who respects your values and maybe shares them too.

ninahenry's avatar

I think sharing the same morals and values like @Neizvestnaya said is a really important thing if two people want to connect deeply with each other. You said “I’m not okay with strip clubs. It’s a life style that I do not want in my life” so respect yourself and don’t give up. Be a strong person and stand up for what you believe in. I tried to consider his work as merely work in my previous replies but I realise it must be difficult to deal with something you find so morally wrong so I wish you the best of luck with that and hope you find your answer somewhere.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

The next time he goes there on his day off. Sit beside him.
That should start the required discussion.

ninahenry's avatar

@Dr_Lawrence bahahhah thanks for the ‘lol4rl’

rainboots's avatar

I understand a job is a job, even better if you like your job.I trust him not to fall in love with a stripper. He started this job in March? I think. We live together in Portland, the city of strip clubs. When you see the world of strip clubs from behind the scenes it’s not that glamours. He plays daddy to some of the girls and I fear one day it will bite him in the ass. It doesn’t bother me that he stays after work for a beer or so but after that it’s no longer a work thing but a man hanging out at a strip club. Keep in mind he knows these girls on a personal level as well as on an intimate level. For most of us your work or mine we only know our coworkers with their clothes on. I do talk to my boyfriend about things that bother me, I just like to get different perspectives from people who are not in my life so that every friend doesn’t know my business.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@rainboots Seeing someone naked does not mean you know them intimately. I’ve seen many patients naked and I wouldn’t say I know any of them intimately. It takes a lot more than that to actually know someone intimately (just saying).

If you have talked to him about your feelings, what has he said about it? Has he offered to hang out somewhere else? Has he said he’ll look for another job? Or has he said he doesn’t want to change?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@rainboots- I don’t know any one of my friends or ex lovers who would chooses to spend their day off work at their workplace hanging out with co workers. Does your guy do this because he doesn’t have outside of work friends to drink beer with? Do you entertain friends as a couple or keep to your own before-the-relationship circles? Talk to him about what you want and ask him what he wants in terms of socializing now that you are a co habitating couple rather than “daters”.

rainboots's avatar

Maybe there is no touching involved but it’s still knowing someone on a deeper level than most co-workers. He’s not super stoked about his job and doesn’t really want to be there but I’m not sure if he is doing anything about it. It’s kinda hard to bring it up. He thinks I’m just being jealous because of past issues. Issues that I have work really really hard on.

Vincentt's avatar

@Neizvestnaya I suppose that depends on where you work. I wouldn’t stay at most workplaces as well, but a friend of mine who works in a regular bar stays there often, which isn’t that weird because it wouldn’t be weird if you came there elsewhere either.

@rainboots Is what @nikipedia said true, that your boyfriend is on Fluther, with it being plausible that he reads this? Because then I have to say that that does not sound very agreeable to me. Also, those other issues might very well be important in forming a well-based different perspective opinion on this.

rainboots's avatar

He and I have talked about posting questions about one another on here. We both agreed it was okay.And I don’t see it as “weird” to post any question on here seeing it’s a website based on discussions.

Aster's avatar

You are beating a dead horse, honey. He won’t stop going for you. I’ve had a
little bit of experience with determined men.

Marva's avatar

@rainboots Well, when you look deep into yourself, what do you really feel? Do you feel he could “slip”, or do you actually know deep inside that he won’t?

give yourself a moment to ask yourself that, before you continue reading…

Well, if A is right, then you have chosen a man who consists with your pattern: “men cannot be trusted”, despite the fact that you really don’t trust yourself to find a man, who can be trusted. It is never about the “other”.

If B is roght, than you have a wonderful boyfriend to put up with all your insecurities, which have nothing to do with him :) you are recycling your thought, your “what if…”, you are asking us because again you don’t trust yourself, you have found a reliable man, you’re just not sure you can believe it….

About him staying or leaving the place, having one or two beers, that’s his bussiness, best focus on yours…..

nocountry2's avatar

….maybe your ‘trust issues’ are more about learning to trust your own instincts.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Okay, @nocountry2 articulated what I couldn’t! What’s that saying about just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean they’re not acting against you, something like that… after a lot of trial and error in my life then I’m in the corner of gut instinct. With my money to bet.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@rainboots It’s been two weeks since the initial post. Has anything changed, such as communication between you two about the topic?

rainboots's avatar

He was offered a job somewhere else. A challenge he’s up to. Everything is starting to change. He misses the money from the strip club but I don’t think he misses the environment.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Thank you for the update. I really hope things work out for both of you.

Marva's avatar

@rainboots Do you know what that means? it means you have done a good job working on your fears, so the situation could be resolved without your interference! Good Job!

hcm17's avatar

Drop him. He’s not a boyfriend. If he cares about you and your feelings, then he wouldn’t go to strip clubs. Get out now while you can.

judochop's avatar

A few things all of you have overlooked about “strip club bartenders.”
1. Almost everyone who comes in to a strip club come equipped with singles.
-This means that the tips are much better and more often than your regular joe hangout and way better than clubs and leagues better than restaurants.
2. Most men will offer to buy the “ladies” a drink or two as well. They don’t often drink them at all however this means double the tip for the bartender.
-So why some of you may consider it unwise to be a strip club bartender you should rethink it. It’s the job of the dancers you dislike, not the job of the bartender. Stop confusing the two of them. Having been a bartender in both a regular bar, a strip club and a restaurant as well as a club I can tell you the from a bartenders point of view the easiest place to get “laid” is in a night club the hardest place to get “laid” is in a strip club.
@RealEyesRealizeRealLies you talk like you have known a few… Care to expand on the subject?
Another thing… @nocountry2 hit the nail on the head. I am willing to bet your “doubt” surfaces from within yourself and your jealousy issues.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

No, I haven’t known many strip club bartenders. But I have known quite a few strip club DJ’s.

Sounds like a good gig for a bartender. And as most things in life are not the way they seem on the surface, your points are well received.

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