Social Question

chelle21689's avatar

What do you think about men who propose when they get their gf pregnant?

Asked by chelle21689 (7008points) August 8th, 2010

I’m not trying to bash anyone at all or have a problem with this. I am just curious why this is more common now. A guy and a girl together for a LONG time but no talks of marriage, when she is pregnant, then he finally proposes. What makes a guy not propose if he knows he wants to end up with her?

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18 Answers

cookieman's avatar

Too many variables to say for sure. Two motivations spring to mind:
A) He was planning to marry her someday and the pregnancy moves “someday” up to “today”.

B) He feels responsible for the pregnancy and impending child and chooses to “do the right thing” as it were.

Here’s one back at’cha: In the same situation, what motivates the girl to say “yes” to his proposal?

jesienne's avatar

Is this just because they don’t want an abortion? I’m wondering why as well…I hope its for the right reason…..........

wundayatta's avatar

Want to keep her guessing. I mean, the second you get married, your life as a person with balls is over.

Facade's avatar

I don’t think pregnancy is a substantial reason to get married. People who get married just because the girl is pregnant are not setting themselves up for a successful marriage.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

Pregnancy forces the issue. It’s that simple. It’s a very defining moment in a relationship.

Why doesn’t a guy ask before she gets pregnant? Fear of commitment. Fear of the money involved. Fear of the risk. Fear that someone better may come along. Fear that he cannot be faithful to her. Lots of reasons.

Once a woman gets pregnant, he may see things differently.

I know of a young girl who got pregnant at 20 by some guy she barely knew. He decided to step up to the plate and married her. Married an almost complete stranger because he did not want his child to grow up fatherless. All of us who knew her, held our breath and shook our heads. Guess what? They ended up with a very strong marriage, two gorgeous, well behaved children and a wonderful life. They have been married for about 12 years. It has not been easy, but their commitment to make things work is admirable. Exiting was not and still is not an option for this young couple. So, they work on their marriage. (And no, they are not religious or fundamentalists, either.)

I had another conversation with a young woman who is also married and in her 20’s (different young woman…my niece, actually) and she said that lots of people her age are marrying now, not just living together and that the couples seem to want to make things work. She feels it is a backlash to all the homes where children grew up in single parent homes. Both she and her husband were products of divorced households and so they have a genuine desire to do it differently.

Yes, there is a trend toward getting married if a pregnancy occurs.

A sociologist wrote a book (can’t remember his name) but he talked about how history repeats itself in its people in cycles….this generation (20 somethings) parallels the generation that went through WW II. They will seek tradition. They will want stability. They will embrace traditional values in some form…even the whole organic, eco, sustainibility movement is part of that desire to preserve, protect and maintain the planet. The movement toward gay marriage is also a form of stabilizing and householding. So, perhaps this desire to “do the right thing” is simply a reflection of a desire to have that sort of continuity in life that was lost in the Boomer years. Just a thought.

By the way, I do not advocate getting married just because a pregnancy occurs. But I have to admire a person for asking someone to marry…and for sticking around in any form afterwards…no matter what the answer is.

chelle21689's avatar

DarlingRhadamnthus, that’s a nice story. But I do think that a guy shouldn’t marry a girl JUST BECAUSE she’s pregnant by him…if other factors involved that he loves her, wants to be with her, then I think that’s fine.

filmfann's avatar

If they got married, it would be a refreshing change to what happens here in California.
Guys here think they are Johnny Appleseed.
If the couple gets married, bless them. Don’t forget to throw puffed rice.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@chelle21689….....Did you NOT read my whole posting? Will you please read the last paragraph? I think I made it clear that I don’t advocate that.

JLeslie's avatar

There have been a lot of stats out there recently that children of single parents don’t fare as well as children with married parents (Ann Coulter did a book about it a couple of years ago). Single is parent is not to be confused with divorced or widowed parents. Single parent means the child was born outside of wedlock. Children of divorce do about the same as married parents on many and most measures. The Christian right has run with this stat, and decided that getting married is better than not.

That is one explanation, the other is as people have mentioned above sometimes pregnancy simply pushes the date up. If the couple was already on the road to eventually getting married, if a pregnancy occurs, the couple might feel compelled to get married sooner rather than later. I know two people who did that.

AmWiser's avatar

‘What makes a guy not propose if he knows he wants to end up with her?’….(uhn?)
Back in my day the question would have been because he wanted to make an honest women of her and to give the baby his name. That’s not necessary these days.

MissThunder's avatar

Some guys think its like the right thing to do..but I think that can’t be the only thing..cuz marrige is SUPPOSED to be about love and wanting to spend forever with each other…but hey call me old fashion..Some guys now dont even get maried when their girlfriend gets pregnant, they sometimes even break up with them..things have changed a lot

Frenchfry's avatar

I say well does it effect me at all. No. It’s their business. Just be happy for them. Be glad the baby has a mother and a father. I mean they have been together for awhile. They know each other real well. Maybe they wanted to get married after college or other goals the have to achieve first. Some people never get married but live together like with no marriage certificate. Life partners I guess they call it.

Iclamae's avatar

Removed by me so I can make a more intelligent response later

Buttonstc's avatar

If the question focuses on why he didn’t marry her before the pregnancy, I think it’s pretty obvious. Because there was no imperative to do so. If she was willing to live with him, have regular sex, and do whatever a wife would do, why not just go with that.

Or to put of more directly:

“Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”

I’m sure that’s a familiar old phrase. Doesn’t change the fact that it’s true.

But good for him for taking responsibility rather than taking a hike.

And if you don’t love the guy and feel this relationship is going somewhere, why bother wasting time shacking up with him.

There is no 100% birth control. Pregnancy is ALWAYS a possibility.

Mom2BDec2010's avatar

Seems like the dude is only proposing because she’s pregnant.

meagan's avatar

I’d never do this. Why? Because theres the issue of “you’re only with me now because of the baby”.
Why would you want to be with someone who felt forced to be with you?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I think most of them are well intentioned but ultimately doomed. The woman never gets to find out if the man truly loves her and wants to spend his life with her because of who she is and who they are as a couple. The man never really knows if the woman is with him for love or because she’s putting the best interest of the baby ahead of her own feelings.

Some women feel pressure from friends and family who say, “oh lookie, he’s stepping up, you can’t get many good men like that”. Some people feel obligated and grateful and responsible to the unborn baby that they’ll put themselves second or third or whatever for as long as they can believe something good will come from it all. Cheating and divorce often come from it.

MissAusten's avatar

This is very interesting for me to read, since my husband and I got married only a couple of months after finding out we were going to have a baby. :P

We hadn’t been dating all that long (about six months) but both of us already knew we wanted to stay together. We talked about getting married and when the timing would be right. He wanted to save up more money first, and I was still enjoying living on my own after college. We were not living together.

Then, woops! So much for the pill. When I told him I was pregnant, I didn’t ask anything of him. We had a lot of conversations about what would be best for the baby, if we should get married right away or wait until the baby was older and maybe we had more money. I guess since we already knew we wanted to marry each other, the only question raised by the pregnancy was “when?” What I didn’t know was that he’d already taken a diamond he’d been given by his mother (it had belonged to her mother) to a jeweler to be reset into an engagement ring. One day he showed up unexpectedly at my apartment and proposed. We managed to plan our ideal wedding in less than two months, and have now been married for almost 12 years. We have three kids and our marriage is wonderful.

I do agree with people here who say that getting pregnant shouldn’t automatically lead to marriage. We did not get married just because of the baby, and I doubt we’d be so happy if that were the case. I have a friend who married her son’s father and they spent a miserable few years together before finally getting divorced. Of course, waiting until after marriage to get knocked up isn’t a guarantee of a long and happy marriage either. ;)

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