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mostlyclueless's avatar

If your SO was cheating on you, would you want to know, and would you care who told you?

Asked by mostlyclueless (696 points ) June 4th, 2011

Imagine you are in the exact situation you are now, and you are in a loving, committed relationship with absolutely no suspicions, and you are happy with your relationship.

If your SO had cheated on you more than once, and was likely to do it again, would you want to know, or would you prefer to just remain in the dark? Remember, you are otherwise happy with your relationship. (This is a given, for the sake of this discussion.)

As a secondary question, suppose there was hard evidence—photographs, emails, etc. Would it matter to you who brought the evidence to your attention? Would you only want to hear this from a close friend or family member? What if you heard it from your partner’s ex, or from a total stranger?

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22 Answers

Plucky's avatar

Yes I would want to know. I’d prefer getting the information from someone who cares about me.

El_Cadejo's avatar

I cant think of a possible situation where one wouldnt want to know…. Yes yes just keep it hidden from me, let me live the life of denial and pretend everything is just hunky dory…..

Fuckin a I’d want to know. Id prefer my SO to at least have the respect for me to tell me herself if she cheated. If not id like to hear it from a friend but ultimately it doesnt really matter who the hell told me. Itd be the end of the relationship either way.

tranquilsea's avatar

I would definitely want to know because my “happiness” would be false. I don’t know that I would care overly much on who told me but it would be nice to find out from my SO or barring that a good friend.

Cruiser's avatar

Of course I would want to know…diseases can be deadly and I prefer to be in charge of what I get and how I get it.

rebbel's avatar

Yes, and preferably from SO herself.

BarnacleBill's avatar

I agree with @rebbel. I would want the other person to go to my SO and say that if they don’t tell me, they will.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would want to know.

Seek's avatar

Of course I’d want to know, and he better be the one who told me.

I don’t think it would necessarily be the end of the relationship, unless of course the cheating was a symptom of loss of interest on his end. I wouldn’t be opposed to the idea of an open relationship. (This is thoroughly lodged in fantasy world, though, because my hubby is about as Puritan as it gets.)

Dutchess_III's avatar

Gosh….I don’t have a denial issue so yes, I’d want to know. I can’t help but feel that I’d suspect it myself first.

There are those people, though, who, for whatever reasons, wouldn’t want to know. Wouldn’t want to be told flat out even if they suspected it anyway.

Bellatrix's avatar

I would want to know and in fact, having been cheated on in a previous relationship, I do stop mentally on occasions and question whether my relationship is as good as I am telling myself it is. I look back at the past and I was unaware and I feel I should have been aware. I suspect I was in denial over some things and I don’t want to go there again. So, I take a good hard look at things every so often (without getting insecure and panicky about it, just by giving myself a reality check).

I would want to be told. By whoever was in a position to tell me. I might not like it when it happens but as has been said here, my happiness would be a based on a lie and I don’t wan to live that way.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Yes, I would want to know, and I wouldn’t care who told me as long as someone did.

SavoirFaire's avatar

Yes, I would want to know. No, it wouldn’t matter who told me. It would matter who didn’t tell me, however, if people who should have told me failed to do so.

Note that this is not to say that knowing I am being cheated on is necessarily better than not knowing, but only that I’d want to know. It’s entirely possible to want things that turn out to be bad for us, after all.

wundayatta's avatar

It would be a relief to find out. It would explain so many things. And yet, I don’t want to know. If I’m perfectly happy and she’s cheating, then I don’t want to ruin my happiness. If I can’t tell the difference, then I don’t feel cheated. Then how can it be cheating?

But If I can tell the difference, then I do want to know, because then I’d begin to understand. I think it would finally give me the kick in the butt I’d need to do something I should have tried to address a long time before.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

Yes, I’d want to know. No, I don’t care who the information comes from. I would hate to be in a relationship that was a lie, and the person delivering the information would have no bearing on how I act from that point on, so it doesn’t matter who they are (although of course it would be best coming from either her or the guy).

Ajulutsikael's avatar

Yes I would like to know, but I doubt it would matter who it would come from if there is undeniable proof.

mostlyclueless's avatar

It seems like the consensus is that everyone wants to know, and who tells you doesn’t matter.

But, on many previous questions (see siblings here, here, here) people have been advised NOT to tell when they know someone else is cheating.

Why do you think there is this disconnect between how people want to be treated (wanting to be told) and how we suggest people act (not telling)?

ucme's avatar

Oh i’d know anyway, I have a cunning sixth sense when it comes to matters of the heart.
I’m like Columbo on steroids so I am.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@mostlyclueless Unsurprisingly, many people are unwilling to take on the burdens they hope others will take on themselves. And there is also the fear of backlash from being the bearer of bad news.

@ucme So you’re Franco Columbu?

choreplay's avatar

@mostlyclueless, I wouldn’t tell on someone else unless I knew for 101% and then also understood the whole circumstance, which is almost never available. That’s why I don’t think most people go running around telling on other people. Can you imagine how many mis accusations would be flying around.

FireMadeFlesh's avatar

@mostlyclueless Good question. I think I would be inclined to tell a person though, if they were a friend, because otherwise I would be complicit in covering up the indiscretion. It would hurt more if your SO had been cheating and all your friends had known and not told you.

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