Social Question

livingchoice's avatar

Why do married men look at other women while they are walking with their wives?

Asked by livingchoice (538 points ) June 16th, 2011

Nothing urks me more than when my husband and I are driving and I see him turning to look at another woman tracking her as the car goes by. Why? Why do they have to look if they are married? Is it just in their nature?

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75 Answers

mazingerz88's avatar

It’s hormonal destiny, believe me.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

If it’s ‘their nature’, then it’s eveyone’s nature. Otherwise, I’m assuming it’s because he thinks you don’t notice or that ‘he can’t help it.’

quiddidyquestions's avatar

They don’t have to.
Your husband is inconsiderate if he knows this bothers you and does it anyway.

Men are highly visual, in general. But men can control this behavior, and if yours chooses not to knowing it bothers you, it says something about his personality and the value he places on your feelings.

FutureMemory's avatar

Men are more visual than women.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Because they’re married,not dead.
There is a BIG difference between a rude,smarmy, lecher and a person who is just looking.

ucme's avatar

Nowt wrong with a bit of window shopping.
“Look, but touch & i’ll chop your pecker off!!” :¬(

wundayatta's avatar

If I see a beautiful woman, I want to look at her. As long as possible. Maybe there’s even a little fantasy going on about me and her, but if there is, it’s pretty fleeting because in a few seconds, we’re past her and I’ve forgotten her.

What is it that bothers you about this? Do you think I’m going to stop the car and chase her down, knock her on the head, throw her in the back seat and take her home for a threesome? I mean really? Why is there a problem with this? Why does it bother you?

Now, when I’m in my car with my wife, I will try not to do this because I figure it might annoy her. It might be symbolic, somehow, of me wanting to leave her. I don’t know, really. Maybe it’s just annoying because it means my attention is not on the road or not on her. It is true that a large number of accidents are caused by a man taking his eyes off the road to look at a beautiful woman. So much so that it’s pretty much a required joke in any man-bashing comedic movie.

Anyway, I think we look because they attract our interest. The way a Ferrari or fire truck might. It is no more important than that, either.

erichw1504's avatar

I think it’s healthy for men to look at other women, otherwise they’d be attached to their woman like a leech.

Cruiser's avatar

As long as he is not shouting out cat calls, I don’t think you should sweat the small stuff. Tell me you never eyeball a hot looking dude when you are out and about?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Why do we like fine art, beautiful scenery, or cool cars? We’re visual creatures. It’s our nature.

jonsblond's avatar

I’m female, heterosexual and married. Even I can appreciate a beautiful woman when I see one.

As long as your husband doesn’t look like this when he notices I wouldn’t worry about it.

_zen_'s avatar

Like my grandfather used to say: even when you’re on a diet, you can still look at the menu.

I am against anything even resembling adultery – but hey, it would be unnatural to not look at a pretty woman, picture, building… well, anything.

tom_g's avatar

I could be overstating this, but….

Why do we startle when we hear a loud noise?
Why do we blink when something comes near our face?

It’s clear that there are reasons why males have evolved to look. It’s almost a reflex. The thing that isn’t cool is when it happens in a way that the wife notices. When with the wife, you need to be constantly aware that your impulses are not going to be appreciated, and may actually hurt your wife. So, it goes like this – notice someone beautiful, try to get a better look, remember that you are with your wife, try to pretend you don’t notice, try to focus on anything else, get distracted, can’t breathe well, sneak a peak if you think you can do it discretely, wonder if the wife is noticing, feel awkward, look back again, etc.

For many of us, we spend a tremendous amount of energy to not look, but probably fail.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I’m a happily married woman but I still look at other men. Now, I don’t sit and drool over their butts or their “package”, but an attractive man is nice to look at. My husband has no problem with it because we trust each other.

LuckyGuy's avatar

It’s hard to resist millions of years of evolutionary pressure. Believe me, I try.

It is not just the female form that does it. If I am at a restaurant and there is a TV on, I have to sit where I can’t see it or I will stare at it.
Also, when I hear the “click clack” of high heels I have to look, too.

erichw1504's avatar

If your husband doesn’t look at other women, I’d be worried. If you know what I mean.

livingchoice's avatar

Wow, my perspective about this whole thing have changed. Some good points were made that I never thought of before. Ah, I need to do some deep mind conditioning. Thanks everyone!

LuckyGuy's avatar

Hey @WillWorkForChocolate I’m wearing my pants extra tight just for you.

erichw1504's avatar

@worriedguy I noticed!... I mean, waaaiit a minute. :/

LuckyGuy's avatar

@erichw1504 And I noticed you noticing. Are you free tonight?

MilkyWay's avatar

@worriedguy Back off, smelly guy’s mine.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

@worriedguy Oh my goodness. Let me pull up a chair and grab some popcorn!

LuckyGuy's avatar

Hey, @livingchoice. Notice that no bodily fluids were exchanged in the banter above.
We just can’t help it. Relax. When hubby starts checking @erichw1504 and me out, then you can worry.

erichw1504's avatar

@worriedguy let me check my schedule.

Jude's avatar

My sister always said about her husband, “if he didn’t look (admire the beauty of other women), I would think that something was wrong with him”.

If you’re secure in your relationship, you should be okay with it.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@livingchoice So you never look at other guys? If you answer no, then you must walk around with your eyes closed.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Testosterone.

erichw1504's avatar

Does a radar not spot battleships coming?

broughtlow's avatar

Trust him only as far as he can see.

livingchoice's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet To be honest I might have glimpsed one or two in my field of vision as they passed me by but I did not turn around to look at their rear or watched them from one point to the other gawking at them. But I must admit that there is nothing wrong with admiring the beauty of others I suppose. Just don’t do it while I’m next to you is that too much to ask.

rebbel's avatar

I agree with those who say that men like to watch other women but that it is something they can control.
I know i do anyway, because some months ago, i recall it vividly, i found myself rubbernecking a nice lady while driving with my girlfriend sitting next to me and i was so aware of the situation and felt awkward that i realized that i usually control that urge.
Even though my girlfriend and i know and appreciate from each other that there are yummy other boys and girls walking around and that watching them is quite okay.

Hibernate's avatar

Ask those who do this ^^

King_Pariah's avatar

Because I like big butts and I cannot lie, you other brothers can’t deny, when a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist, and a big thing in your face, you get sprung!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Everyone looks but not everyone is as considerate and discrete with their looking as they could be. Ask your husband to make the attempt to not be so obvious because:

* It irks you
* It might irk other people looking on that he’s being inconsiderate of your company.
* It might irk the women he’s ogling.

I know when I see a man and woman together and one of them is really eyeballing others then my first thoughts are, what a pig!.

sarahtalkpretty's avatar

It’s disgusting, isn’t it? Sometimes I wish there was a third gender to choose from. My husband does it very rarely, but it happens occasionally and my feeling is not anger or jealousy just utter repulsion.

No, I never, ever, check out other men with or without out him when I’m out and about. I might see that someone has a nice face and is aesthetically pleasing but that doesn’t evoke any sexual response and I never hold my gaze on another guy. My husband certainly wouldn’t like it if I did.

broughtlow's avatar

Men do what you allow them to do. Here’s what you do. Figure out a way to take the kid and go somewhere for just two days. Don’t let him know and when you go leave a note that says your leaving him – nothing more! Take a free day! Enjoy life but don’t answer you phone until the next morning. Let him say all he says and remain silent until it’s your turn and make one simple statement! Oh, now you want to see me.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I am a bit like @sarahtalkpretty, I know my guy wouldn’t like it if he caught my eyes lingering a bit too long on an attractive (to me) man. I think it would hurt his feelings though he wouldn’t ever mention a thing so I make the efforts to watch my shite.

King_Pariah's avatar

@Neizvestnaya it’s why I like being single, so many more options, and the girls get to think they’re a princess for a little while. And if I ever found her you can count on me that I would only ogle her. oink

QueenOfNowhere's avatar

Hm.. I don’t know but if my husband did that, I would be afraid of what would happen if that lady was not just walking but meeting him…. If he turns to look then he probably would think more when she talks to him.

King_Pariah's avatar

@QueenOfNowhere solution, shock collar with remote. lol

QueenOfNowhere's avatar

@King_Pariah I literally would, Im that bad! lol :D

tinyfaery's avatar

It’s not just men. And the reason people do it is because we are alive. I’ve been married almost 10 years and my wife and I still point out hot women and men. We just do it together.

sarahtalkpretty's avatar

@King_Pariah I’m pretty sure men don’t plan on ogling other women when they get married – they believe she’s the one. The married woman was treated like a princess in the beginning, but that image of her often fades in his mind. I sometimes see men saying “monogamy is not natural” but but if that’s true, why are men every bit as jealous as women when it comes to their spouses? All the men I know would flip if the wife was oggling and smirking at men who were younger or hotter than themselves. Women also have options…

King_Pariah's avatar

@sarahtalkpretty I know that is what tends to happen my Dad does it all the time, but I’ve been in enough relationships to know myself and how I am with girls I really do like/love and not overcome by hormones.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
MilkyWay's avatar

@QueenOfNowhere Where are you? I wanna come kill you ;)

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@QueenOfNowhere If it makes you feel any better: What looks funny on grandma? grandpa.

QueenOfNowhere's avatar

@queenie Im in my parents house… Bad mistake! Come kill me now :D

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@QueenOfNowhere Hang in there. Maybe you’ll get a new brother or sister. :)

King_Pariah's avatar

You think you have it bad. Talk about being scarred for life when you walk into your parents room where their making brother #2 and they’re trying to keep quiet and didn’t answer the door when you knocked because you’re bleeding profusely for a cut on your hand.

MilkyWay's avatar

Hello @QueenOfNowhere ‘s ghost :)
Woah, @King_Pariah

QueenOfNowhere's avatar

@King_Pariah Oh my…. Im born again

King_Pariah's avatar

They’re lucky he’s adorable and probably the only thing I hold dear in this world currently otherwise I’d never forgive them.

dannyc's avatar

Beauty can bewilder and beguile the beast.

livingchoice's avatar

You men claim to be with the one you love, at least for those who are happily married, and you would so easily look (inspect) another woman while she is next to you? Are you really satisfied with your wife if you have to look at another woman. What’s going through your mind as you look. Tell me. Be honest.

Sunny2's avatar

I think we both look at attractive people, male and female. We don’t usually say anything, but sometimes one of us makes a comment. People who are dressed particularly noticeably, for good or bad, will often inspire a comment. If this kind of thing bothers you, perhaps you’re not as secure in your marriage as you might be. It seems just part of natural observations.

tedibear's avatar

@livingchoice – My husband does this as well, though I know he would deny it in an instant were I to point it out. Actually, he does it in two other instances as well. If someone is driving like an idiot or if it’s a car he’s interested in. But anyway… What bothers me is he is one of the first to say that “looks don’t matter” Which is complete bullshit as we all know. so if looks don’t matter, why make the effort to look? That’s the crux of it for me. You make the effort to look, but don’t expend any kind of effort to let me know that I look good at any point in time. It would be a lot easier to take if I knew that I ranked in the “worthy of looking at” arena in his book.

nailpolishfanatic's avatar

They are always looking out the for new A$$.

Bellatrix's avatar

I haven’t read all the other posts but the thing that came into my head when I read this is “because they are men”. I think men are programmed to weigh up women. They can’t help themselves. Frankly, the day my husband stops noticing a good looking woman, is a day I will be worried about his health. He can look all he wants. Nothing wrong with admiring beauty.

EDIT. They should be subtle about it though. No need to stand there catching flies and gawking obviously. That’s why dark sunglasses were invented. Subtle perving guaranteed.

SABOTEUR's avatar

It’s in our DNA.
I would hope that most of us try to be discreet about it.

janbb's avatar

We both look.

mattbrowne's avatar

It’s about dopaminergic reward. Which means men can learn to forgo the reward. Cultures and a lot of training do have this potential. But it’s not easy.

Most behaviors have instinctive and learned components. Men have learned that looking at women can give them pleasure.

Keep_on_running's avatar

There are many times where I have wanted to stare at a hot guy, but I know it’s just rude and disrespectful. I wouldn’t want a guy looking me up and down like a piece of meat, plus there is bound to be someone who notices you gawking, it’s just not socially acceptable.

SABOTEUR's avatar

“Looking” and “gawking” are completely different actions. I see nothing wrong with looking or glancing at a woman when accompanying my wife.

Discreetly, of course

Gawking, however, is disrespectful to both the woman the man is with and the woman he’s drooling at.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It is so rude. You can bet men can justify it, but they’d come unglued if their wives were eyeing other men like that.

wundayatta's avatar

Why don’t women do that, then? Best way to educate their husbands on the impact they are having on them.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Trust me, @wundayatta…wouldn’t work. Men would claim that what they’re doing is DIFFERENT.

King_Pariah's avatar

Use your peripherals! That way she doesn’t catch and you still get to enjoy the view!

wundayatta's avatar

@Dutchess_III Men might claim it was different, but if they caught their wives doing it, maybe they be bothered by it. If they were bothered, they might realize that it’s rude and it would be a fair trade to give it up if their wives gave it up.

I think that the reality here is that men are more willing to indulge their desires than women are. Men are more likely to think they can get away with it. You might accuse men of having a double standard, but that’s beside the point. Men do get away with it because most women aren’t willing to pick a fight about it. Those who do, tend to end up alone, while their exes end up with someone else.

I wonder if women can tolerate being alone more than men can?

Dutchess_III's avatar

@wundayatta I really don’t think most men have that kind of introspection. They only know it’s wrong if it’s done to THEM. But, I could be wrong.

And I do think that women can tolerate being alone more than men. I don’t have any facts at my fingertips, and too lazy to look for some, but I’ll bet that divorced men tend to remarry faster than divorced women.

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