Are there ever times your kids behave so obnoxiously and rudely that even you as a parent want to hit them?

What is this “wants to” crap?

Not a parent but a few months back my 14 year old brother threw a large rock/small boulder at me and it nearly snapped my left leg in half. Definitely wanted to give that child a whooping that his grandchildren would feel, especially since that brat pretty much got off without so much as a slap on the wrists. I can say that I wish that corporal punishment played a larger role in his life as it did for my other brother and myself (although no where near the same extent as we were not so much spanked as thrashed and pummeled).

Okay, sorry, this bugs the hell out of me, but I would not make such a generalization as “obviously all parents adore their offspring” as that is simply not true.

I’m not a parent, but if I were, I’d probably never touch my child.
My father was physically abusive, and it’s a slippery slope to travel.

I don’t have kids, but I would imagine there are times when parents are so beyond their wits end they want to lash out themselves and attack what is causing the chaos in that moment. It’s probably a self defense mechanism. I’m not talking about punishing or trying to teach a child what’s right, I’m talking about a parent “needing” the bad behavior to stop for their own sanity. It’s still not ok to hit in my opinion though. I can only think of very rare occasions I want to put my hands on someone in anger, and it’s never that I want to beat them up or teach them a lesson, I just want relief.

This is why I think parents who say I didn’t hit my kids in anger, well that’s hard for me to believe. Also, the child’s perception certainly is you are angry, so it doesn’t matter if you aren’t angry, for sure the child’s reality is their parent is angry and hit them.

That whole “it’s for their own good” I don’t agree with. Except to say, that in extreme situations, regarding safety, I can be on the side of man-handling your kids, even if it might leave a mark. Mostly, I think physical punishment is counterintuitive and counter productive. But, if my 14 year old is about to drive away with her 22 year old drug addict boyfriend, damn straight I’m going to want my husband to physically restrain her, even if it leaves a bruise, and drag her into the house kicking and screaming.

Fucking typical of Fluther, answers so far dominated by the “i’m not a parent, but” brigade:D

Trick is @ZEPHYRA, not to have obnoxious brats, parent responsibly & your kids won’t come close to inciting such an extreme, draconian reaction. Make you tear your hair out at times, but never consider violence, NEVER!!

Hit her?! Never.

Sell her? Occasionally.

Been there.
Done that.
Managing to live with the guilt.

My daughter is grown now but, the one, premiere moment that resulted in a good spanking for her was, at age 4–5 while I was preoccupied, showing and selling a car and we were out in front of the house in the driveway with the potential buyer.
My daughter proceeded to go into the house and get a box of some sort of crackers or cookies, I don’t remember and then let our large and loud hound dog out into the yard where she proceeded to run amok with the dog, teasing him with the cookies while he was frantically howling and barking. I told her to stop, to put the dog back in the house and took the time out to go and get the cookies from her, put the dog away and then, not 2 minutes later she let the dog out again, had gotten the cookies back from where I had set them and, once again, chaos ensued. I was livid as she knew better and was, clearly, counting on the fact that I would not discipline her in front of this stranger.

After repeatedly asking her to give me the box of cookies, to put the dog back in the house, to settle down, well….once the buyer left to come back again later, yep, boy did she get it. Her first and last, over the knee spanking. Did I feel guilty? Not one little bit!

I’m in the camp of there is nothing wrong with the rare and occasional spanking, and if done right, usually only needs to happen once, maybe twice in a childs younger years.

And, @Coloma just wrote exactly what I mean. I do think parents usually spank, because they are angry and fed up.

I must second what @Coloma said.

@JLeslie Kids are extremely adept at reading social situations and one parenting challenge is often, the child not behaving in front of others because they know you are reluctant to discipline them in front of company. This is pretty common with young kids, and something I would talk to my daughter about as a young child. Plenty of fair warning but kids test you, a lot.

@Coloma Sure, I know that. They will push and push.

Now, other people’s kids are a whole new kettle of fish, i’d happily dropkick those annoying shits

@JLeslie I didn’t spank because I was angry and fed up. I spanked because it was the severest form of punishment I would resort to, and occassionaly it was called for. Before I administered any spankings the kids were sent to their room for 30 minutes, to think about their dastardly deed, but, more importantly so I could have time to calm down and administer the discipline rationally, rather than emotionally.
Spankings were serious business around my house. They were serious business around my house when I was growing up. They were rare, but serious. I received my last spanking at about the age of 10. It was my last because I realized…it didn’t hurt. I was sent to my room, where I stood sullenly in the doorway, waiting to be released, but not crying. After a while I said, ”Can I come out now?!” No emotion, nothing. Didn’t apologize either. Never got another spanking.

Also, with a couple of exceptions, when the two girls hit puberty >_< my kids were never “obnoxious.” They didn’t act up in public. They were always well mannered and polite. They were kind, too.

@Coloma Man, I feel your pain! I would have seriously considered literally doing what I always threatened to do and that was duct tape them to the wall and throw water balloons at them!

@Dutchess_III Yep, I am very patient and always explained EXACTLY what I expected and treated spankings very seriously as well, but, sometimes, soooometimes, nothing drives the seriousness home like a good old fashioned spanking. haha

Yep.

@kritiper sorry about the grammar slip. I DO apologize. PLEASE FORGIVE ME.

Ah @ZEPHYRA! I read “What is this “wants to” crap?” to mean, ”Want” to? I do hit them!” (But I hate that word, even if it’s technically correct.)

@JLeslie Well sure, irritation and frustration usually are behind most spankings, but, not always. A moderate spanking given to a disruptive or disobedient child that you have told, talked to and warned multiple times before reaching the end of your rope is not abuse IMO. Nothing wrong with the child seeing their parent angry and displeased. You can also give a child a matter of fact swat on the butt without being overtly angry, just a firm correction. Most people over the age of 30 have been spanked in their lives, at least once or twice and few, if any, would say they felt their parents were abusive. I’m not saying spanking should be a first response, again, it should be a last resort when all other methods have failed.

Some good friends of mine that never spanked their young girls ended up giving the 15 year old daughter an over the knee moment on her dads lap when she being extremely bratty as a teen. 15 years in coming most likely. haha

When the kids were little, and I had the daycare, I put a set of “bad behaviors” that they sometimes displayed, and next to that I put the appropriate discipline. If they Did The Bad thing and I was getting angry, I’d take a breath, go check my chart and then whatever.

Spankings were reserved for situation where they could hurt themselves (such as not looking before crossing the street) or others. Also for serious disobedient infractions.
“It’s time to pick up your toys.”
”NO!!!”
Swat.
Much more firmly, “Pick up your toys.”

I have never wanted to hit my child because they were annoying. The worst I’ve ever done is role my eyes and search for a quiet spot in the house to get away from the noise.

My children have been spanked a few times when they did something that threatened their life or the life of another.

@ZEPHYRA You are forgiven.

@Coloma @Dutchess_III I’m not calling it abuse. I’m saying the child no matter how calm you are will perceive it as you are angry with them. Would you disagree with that? The young child would anyway. Later in teens they might see it just as a consequence to their actions, and not based on anger, but by the point they understand that you probably aren’t spanking them anymore, because they’re too old.

Children who perceive their parents as “punishing” are less likely to tell their parents when they need help for fear of punishment. I don’t think a smack on the tush from mom 3 times in childhood would cause this fear of punishment that I’m talking about, but when corporal punishment is doled out regularly, why would a kid ever go to their parent when they got themselves into trouble.

The exact age that the physical punishment/spanking occurs is very important. Too young and it is abuse. Too old and it’s meaningless.

@jonsblond according to some folks spanking and swatting is hitting. Technically, accordig to the definition, they are right. However there is no convincing them that a spanking is any different than slapping the shit out of them, or punching them in the face. They don’t see it as a degree. I’ve been known to flick a kid on the head using my thumb and index finger as a mild form of “stop!” And that’s “hitting.”

@JLeslie I also had no problem with my kids seeing that I was angry, very angry. Same with the grandkids. Why would there be some sort of problem with that? My point was I never administered physical discipline while I was angry.

And to address the last half of your post @JLeslie, I’ve asked my kids, who are grown, if they were ever “scared” of me. “Only when we’d done something wrong,” they answered. Again, that comes from consistency. As long as they weren’t doing anything wrong, they had no worries. Not even if I was angry at something else, or having a really bad day or whatever. They knew I’d never randomly get angry with them for no reason, or just because I needed a release. They trusted me.

@JLeslie I don’t think a child seeing their parent angry is a bad thing, as long as said parent isn’t out of control in any capacity. I think that children of highly controlling and authoritarian parents would be reluctant to talk about any personal issues with them yes, but, most kids don’t anyway, regardless. By the time kids hit about 6th grade, the middle school years, their peer groups trump mom and dad for acceptance and approval. I think, as at @Dutchess_III said that kids know and can separate the difference between a spanking for bad behavior and a parent who is unpredictable and hauls off on them for no good reason due to their own issues.

That is very sad indeed and absolutely abusive.
I too have asked my daughter if she resented me for her few spankings or other punishments as a child and she holds no grudges in the least. Infact, what’s funny, is her biggest complaint was my censoring her TV viewing revolving around a few cartoons/shows I didn’t like. haha

Scooby Doo and The Smurfs were evil! Evil I tell you!

I hated Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, and The Simpsons. haha

SIMPSONS! No no no. Bad bad bad.

@Dutchess_III Seriously, WHO the heck thinks that show has any merit whatsoever? gah!

I don’t see anything wrong with kids seeing their parents angry sometimes, I just take issue with parents who use corporal punishment regularly and say things like they don’t do it in anger or that it hurts them more than the child. The abusive parents convince themselves of that shit. I’m saying to those parents bullshit! Either you are too ignorant to discipline in any other way, are too brainwashed by your religion, too out of control with your own anger, or get a kick out of hitting your kids. I don’t accuse anyone on this Q of doing any of that, I’m talking in general terms. I have a friend who was hit three times a week as a kid. It still shocks me.

I do think showing your anger along with punishment can be risky, and cause kids to clam up. If they think they will be in trouble or lose privileges they aren’t likely to tell. Of course, this is a hard thing to balance.

Take my nephew, one day when he was a young teen I told him, “if your with your friends and they are doing something you know is wrong and shouldn’t be around call your mom to pick you up.” He said, “but then I’ll be in trouble.” His mom was in earshot and asked what I said, and I repeated it. She kind of said an, “oh.” Then her husband (stepfather to my nephew) said, “yes, you can always call me, and I’ll come get you.” His tone was perfect. We will be glad you called, no repercussions, I will come get you. The mother, wasn’t so perfect, and her kid had made it to 15 worrying about getting into trouble more than being around trouble. She doesn’t hit her kids, but she shows her anger quite a bit. My dad was angry a lot too, but I knew I could tell me mom pretty much anything and wouldn’t be punished. I only got in trouble for acting up or lying.

Well, we are human, @JLeslie. There are so many, many factors surround a child’s fear. Does the parent get angry unexpectedly and unpredictably? And is that always followed by screaming or spanking? Hell, my kids have seen me really, REALLY angry! With good reason. What is wrong with that?

When my kids got old enough I told them they have 3 get out of jail free cards. They could call me any time, any where, for any reason, if they needed me to come get them, And I would not ask questions. Only one of my kids ever used it, about 4 years later, and only one time.

When I got caught shoplifting my dad made a huge impression on 3rd grade me. He was sooooo disappointed. He said we had to return the rolling papers to the Shopeze and I had to confess. He was so, so sad. He said, “I will just have to beg them not to throw you in jail.” I swore there was a sob at the end of that sentence. I felt so horrible…and scared shitless!
Mom, on the other hand, walked around for days talking about what a thief I was and I could never be trusted and that was not true. And she damn well knew it. All I felt toward Mom was anger.
But, because of my dad I didn’t steal again. Until I was 17. And then, just one last time. For the hell of it.

Disappointed is different than angry, and I think disappointment is extremely effective assuming the child isn’t a sociopath.

My parents were angry constantly, a little too much in my opinion, but not usually punishing. A friend of mine used anger sporadically on purpose with her kids so they never quite knew when she would freak out. That’s more effective at controlling people actually, to be inconsistent.

I have not yet read the other answers, will do so after posting.

Today I felt like doing that to one of my friend’s two kids. I have often felt that way about these particular 2 kids. They are out of control. I would never hit them, but I felt the desire to grab them by the throat and slap them. My friend is one of the smartest women I know when it comes to just about everything, except her own two kids. It’s not like she’s completely oblivious to their bad behavior, but it seems like what I see as a 10 (on a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being completely out of control) she only sees as a 3 or 4, and she doesn’t seem to think that it’s a constant problem. I’ve never been around her kids where they weren’t being a huge pain in the arse.

I’m not thrilled with kids in general, but these particular 2 kids, make me very anxious and angry. I’m sure my friend is unaware of this fact, though, because I do everything I can to keep my cool when I’m around them, because it really isn’t my place to discipline her kids. It’s her place. The odd thing is that she believes that it’s the parent’s place to teach one’s own kids good manners and to discipline them when they misbehave. She can spot bad behavior and bad (or ineffective) parenting in others, but apparently not with her own kids. Her husband doesn’t see it either. They’ve both made many comments about how “well behaved” their kids are. I just want to scream, “What the hell??? Are you serious!?”

@Kardamom: What were the kids doing?

@Kardamom Haha, blinded by the DNA connection.
I had a friend that like years ago, she had 3 boys and OMG..these boys were out of control. Constant fighting, screaming, whining, chaos. She couldn’t get them to even stay in their own beds and they would all drag their blankets and pillows out in the hallway and fall asleep on the floor when they had company over. We were not close friends, actually it was her husband and my husband at the time that had been friends but man, I felt the same way, there were times when I was around those kids I just wanted to throttle them.

She was a yeller and the husband was just passive, they both seemed totally at peace with the constant chaos of these kids. gah!

My daughter never really had any problems with her first two kids…then she had the twins. Around Christmas time when they were about 2½, she called me up and wailed, “Momma! I have those kids! You know, those horrible, bratty kids that everyone looks at and wants to slap and thinks they must have horrible parents! I can’t take them to a restaurant because they throw food at people! We went to the grocery store and The Girl Twin fell down screaming, and The Boy Twin fell down and started rolling, and I’m trying to deal with The Girl Twin, who is like a maniac, because I wouldn’t let her have some Ju Ju Whatever, and I look up just in time to see The Boy Twin roll, roll, roll around the end of the aisle and disappear! I mean, people are going to see this kid, all unattended, rolling along the floor and I don’t know what to DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
I was choking back laughter just because of the way she’s telling the bad news…but I knew that since she recognized the shitty behavior, and wasn’t making any excuses for it (and most importantly, was not giving in to the tantrums) they’d all pull out of it ok, and I told her so.

Most recently they were getting a to go pizza at a pizza place. The Girl Twin was lipping off, telling her she was a mean mommy. My daughter gave her a warning, and she did it again, so my daughter reached down and gave her a light swat on her right hip-butt.”
The Girl Twin started screeching, and dragging her right leg around behind her, like she couldn’t use it, then fell down, holding her leg yelling “YOU BROKE MY LEG MOMMY!! YOU BROKE MY LEG!”
Her twin brother is going, “Stop it Princess! Stop it!”
My daughter is going, “Stop it and get up! You can break your leg when we get home!”

I have one piece of furniture that the grankids are not weren’t allowed to mess with. It’s a barrister’s bookcase, with 5 doors, glass covered cabinets, that open up. I’m afraid they could break the glass, which is probably not safety glass. I’m strict and unyielding, with all the grandkids, on this rule.
I used to watch the twins pretty regularly, but it’s been over a year.
About 3 months ago I noticed a bit of rag among my table clothes on the bottom shelf of that book case. I opened it up and pulled it out, and lo. If it wasn’t one of The Girl Twin’s little dresses that she’d stashed in there, probably to thumb her nose at me!

Have fun, daughter!

Both of the kids grab and touch everything. Their mom always gives them a pep talk before they come to our house, at least she says she does (which we’ve tried to avoid having them come over, but sometimes it can’t be helped) and tells them to be “polite” which means absolutely nothing to little kids. You need to tell them exactly what kind of behavior they should exhibit, and what they absolutely should not do.

So they grab and touch everything. Even though when I heard that they were on their way over, in the 10 minutes or so I had to spare before that happened, I picked up everything I could and took it upstairs and shut the door, or put it in the laundry room. Our house is not set up for entertaining children, and I have said this to my friend numerous times. Unfortunately, she doesn’t seem to understand what I mean by this. I mean that there are lots of breakable things and sharp edges on tables (we have some glass tables). We don’t have kids, and our family parties are never held at our house for this reason. But my friend seems to just think that I mean that her kids might be bored at our house. NOOOOOOOOOO! I mean that it’s not a place where children should be, especially not these kids.

Anyway, so they grab and touch anything and everything that’s not nailed down. The girl, aged 6, interrupts constantly and will actually get right up in your face and just start talking, even though her mother and I, or my mother are having a conversation, usually about something quite important, which is why they are there in the first place (we don’t invite them over, it’s usually something that needs to be handled regarding neighbors, or friends or relatives. We’ve had some serious situations that I won’t go into right now, where our family and my friend’s family, have had some business that had to be dealt with.

I try to remove everything that might hurt them or get broken, but like I said, our home is not set up for having little kids, so I can’t remove the light fixtures or the doors, or the screen doors, or the sliding glass doors, or every single book, or item on a shelf. But anything that is not nailed down is a potential item for these kids to pick up (and usually drop or throw) or just touch (like one of our oil paintings). They do not know how to handle things gently.

When they were here a few days ago, the girl announced that she was going to go into our laundry room. I had purposely shut the door to the laundry room, and put a bunch of our breakables in there. She started to go in there, and I said quite firmly, “I’d prefer if you stayed in here with us.” She again stated that she was going to go in there and got a big grin on her face as though I had just said something really funny. So she got up and started to grab the door handle and her mom, my friend, said quite angrily, “No! You are being so rude! It’s like you’ve been eating sugar all day long.” Again, that statement meant absolutely nothing to her kid. Then my friend said that she needed a time out in a particular chair and my friend pointed to the chair. The girl didn’t want to sit in that chair, so she just plopped herself down in a different chair, that was right in the middle of where we were trying to have an important adult conversation. My friend didn’t reprimand her to go sit in the other chair at all. The girl sat there and slouched and rolled her eyes, and then got back up about 30 seconds later.

In the meantime, the little boy who is 2, kept trying to go into the living room. I said to them both when they arrived, “You two need to stay in here in the family room with us where we can see you.” They didn’t, and I kept getting up and going after them and I said loudly enough for my friend and the kids to hear me that they needed to stay with us so we could see them. The little boy just kept running and going back into the other room, then he started screaming. I’m afraid the sound of screaming children is one of my worst pet peeves, and one of the reasons I do not have children.

The little boy is also notorious for pushing hard against the screen that is on the sliding glass door. I’m afraid that one day he is going to either rip it, or fall through it. He will bang on the glass doors, and if the doors are open, he’ll simply run out into the back yard, where there is all sorts of other potential dangers for him to hurt himself. 2 glass patio tables, a wrought iron fence where I’m pretty sure he would stick his head through and get it stuck, a bird bath that he would probably topple over onto himself, rocks that he has already been caught throwing, a hose that he would manage to turn on, etc. etc.

The girl has these really ugly temper tantrum meltdowns when she doesn’t want to do what she is told. If anything, my friend might shout at her that she’s being rude, or tell the girl to do a time out, but the girl never complies, and has no idea what “being rude” means, because it’s never spelled out to her. The girl is 6, but seems to have the attitude of a 13 year old. It’s very shocking to me, because that would simply never be allowed by a kid in our family, but since this girl is not my child, not even my relative, I don’t feel like I can/should reprimand her in the way that I would if she was my own flesh and blood.

The little boy, even though he is only 2, is quite strong. I’ve seen him climb on chairs, try to climb up the drapes, he climbs on book cabinets, the gate across the stairs, you name it. He’s constantly in motion, and usually he is climbing or grabbing something that could potentially injure him. And that’s at their house. I have literally picked him up and tried to just hold him, or I have got him to stand between my knees, and then just blocked him in there, while he was standing up, but so he can’t go one way or the other, but then he just screamed. Once, while I was trying to contain him my friend said, “Oh, it looks like he’s kind of stuck there. He just wants to get loose.” No duh!!!! I’m trying to stop him from toppling over our book case and refrigerator and china cabinet!

The girl also tries to listen in on “adult” conversations, even when she was told to sit and color or read a book across the room, so that she wouldn’t hear what was being said. She never listens to her mother when she is told to do something and usually ends up in your face, or as in the case of the other day, she decided to plop her rear end down on top of our coffee table! My friend again said, “Your being rude!” but she never stops the girl and explains exactly what she means, and never gives her explicit instructions on what kind of behavior to exhibit, or what not to do, nor is she ever removed from the situation. It drives me crazy.

My friend and her husband have both said on numerous occasions that they are lucky that their kids are so well behaved compared to (fill in the blank) who’s kids are “demons from hell.” Oy vey! Seriously?

After they left the other day, my dad said that he doesn’t see this amount of mayhem even when we are at our family Xmas party where there are 12 kids ages 1–12 hopped up on candy and opening presents.

When I babysit my relatives I try to emulate The Super Nanny. I’ve watched her show for years and I think she really knows what she’s doing, and her methods are very effective, but still loving, without ever having to resort to spanking. Unfortunately, most parents do not follow these examples. In this particular clip, my jaw almost dropped when I heard the mom say, “You’re going to crack your head open” or something like that. My friend says that all the time, but never actually does anything to stop the behavior in the first place.

I don’t babysit these kids, and never will, so I’m not in a position to teach them how to behave. Also, since they’re not my kids, I’m not in a position to tell my friend how to teach her kids. We try to avoid having them at our house. I go and visit my friend at her house 9 times out of 10. The kids are out of control at their own house too, though. I don’t remember the last time I spoke a full sentence to my friend, though because the little girl always interrupts, or the little boy is always about to climb up something or screaming.Yikes!

It is fascinating to me how early, and easily, on kids pick up on the things they should not do and the brats do just those things.

You know, if it was me…I don’t know what I’d do. I do know I would not say “I prefer that you…” I’d say. “No. You are not going in there.”

I really think I’d finally take matters into my own hands and put them in time out myself! It IS my house.

@Kardamom: I can’t stand screaming kids. The situation you describe sounds to me like if it were my house and those kids acted that way as guests, I’d politely tell the mom it’s time for them all to go. In the future, if she were coming over and the kids were going to be with her, I’d find a way to tell her let’s wait until the kids are not with her for our visit. I don’t have the patience or the energy to deal with shit like that. Thankfully my kid is not that way.

^^^^ Yep.