General Question

TheQuietOne's avatar

I was violently assaulted by my boyfriend. What happens now?

Asked by TheQuietOne (147 points ) July 5th, 2010

Two nights ago, my 22 year old boyfriend, in a fit of drunken rage, violently assaulted me for 10 minutes. (Without going into too much detail) two security guards saw the attack from our apartment window and called the police. He spent the night in the drunk tank and now has a court date for August 3rd. I’ve never been in this kind of position and have no idea what’s going to happen to him. Is it likely he will be sentenced to jail time? I believe he’s been charged with battery. Please weigh in with your experience with this subject if you have any.

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94 Answers

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

It depends if you decide to press charges or not. I recommend that you do. A hard long hard road awaits if you don’t.

skfinkel's avatar

I think you were lucky to get away with your life. Leave him now. Never stay with a person who mistreats you. Period.

TheQuietOne's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies pressing charges is out of the question.

lillycoyote's avatar

You leave him. You get as far away from him as possible. Why is pressing charges out of the question?

TheQuietOne's avatar

Because I love him, and I don’t believe it’s an appropriate way to handle the situation. Putting him in jail isn’t going to make anyone’s life better. He’s going to go through a 12 step program and stop drinking. He’s a good person with a bad problem.

I know how stupid this must sound.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Good luck with the decisions you make in life. It sounds like both of you are soon to reap the rewards of your choices.

judochop's avatar

You press charges or you run the risk of hurting others that are looking out for you or you run the risk of becoming a statistic.
@TheQuietOne I respect your love for your boyfriend but feel that you are being blinded by your love for him thus not making a very good desc ion.

TheQuietOne's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies do you believe I deserved what happened to me?

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Ivan's avatar

@TheQuietOne

“I don’t believe it’s an appropriate way to handle the situation.”

It’s the only appropriate way to handle the situation.

” Putting him in jail isn’t going to make anyone’s life better.”

It’s going to make your life better.

“He’s a good person with a bad problem.”

Good people don’t beat their girl friends.

I know how stupid this must sound.

Damn straight.

TheQuietOne's avatar

What I’m hearing is, the only correct option is to press charges so he goes to jail, and I’m an idiot.

Thanks guys.

Ivan's avatar

No one said you were an idiot.

bunnygrl's avatar

No dear, dear sweetheart you did NOT deserve what happened to you, but if you believe his BS and stay then you are asking for it to continue. My dear Gran told me honey that if a man hits you once its his fault, if he does it again its your own for staying to allow it. Her advice to me when I was young, should I ever find myself in this position, the very, very first time it happened, was to get my coat and never look back. How many women are abused because they love their abuser. Any person who lifts their hands to another person in this way is beneath contempt and will not change, and certainly is not what I’d consider a real man. Make no mistake here, if he hits you he does NOT love you. Alcohol does not excuse someone’s behaviour, or change them, or make them act in a way that is not in their nature, it just shows them for what they are, what you see when someone is drunk is them, unedited. You are in an unwinnable position here, get yourself out of it. The pressing charges thing, doesn’t just save you, having a record of domestic abuse might save another woman the pain of loving this thug.
hugs honey xx

wenn's avatar

Two simple options:

1. Don’t press charges, stay with him, get beat again.

2. Bite the bullet and press charges, give him what he deserves, have a better life without his drunken abusive ass.

rooeytoo's avatar

I think you want someone to tell you it is all going to be okay, but hopefully no one will because this is rarely a one off situation. Every time it happens the perpetrator is so sorry and will never do it again and is going to get straight and on and on.

I would suggest you go directly to an alanon meeting, get some support and start taking care of yourself and loving yourself. If indeed he does get straight then you can reconsider.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@TheQuietOne Your boyfriend needs help. The alcohol may not have been the only reason that this happened. He could be violent sober as well. Just because you haven’t seen it until now doesn’t mean it’s not there. I can understand the concern you have about hurting him and messing up his life, but you need to have concern about your life as well. You only have one shot at pressing charges. If you press charges, he will most likely be able to make a deal with that includes going to a 12-step program and also anger management. If they get the people who called 911 to testify, they may not need you to press charges, it just depends on their case. If they want you to press charges, they will ask you about it and go from there.

If you don’t press charges and they don’t have a case against him, he needs to get the help on his own. A 12-step program will only help with the drinking, it will not help with his anger. Anger management classes might help with that, but it’s not a guarantee. You’ve seen this side of him now. Statistically speaking, he will do it again and it will continue to get worse.

You say you’ve never been in this situation before. Does that mean he’s never done anything like this before or no one has ever witnessed it and called the cops before? Quite often, abuse will start with emotional abuse and escalate to physical abuse as things progress. Has anything like this ever happened before (emotionally or physically)? If it’s happened before, that should be enough to show you it isn’t going to stop.

If you choose to stay with him and hope he gets help on his own, be aware that this could very likely happen again and if it does, it will most likely be worse. The normal abuse cycle is one in which the abuser does the damage, then apologizes and begs for forgiveness, things seem okay for a while, and then it happens again and the cycle repeats. Each time the cycle repeats the abuse gets worse until it gets to the point were someone stops it (either by leaving the relationship or the abuser killing his/her partner).

Good luck with whatever you decide. In my opinion, pressing charges would be the best thing to get him the help he needs because he would be mandated by the courts to do it.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

@Seaofclouds has the right idea. Help him from a distance, if you choose to stay. If you can find it in yourself to leave the relationship, then I’d advise doing it.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

How did you ever come to thinking I suggest that you deserved his attack?

No, I don’t think you deserved his attack. But you and him both will deserve the end results of the decisions you make in life. You have a decision to make. Get ready to reap the long term rewards of that decision, either way, good or bad, whatever you decide.

TheQuietOne's avatar

@Seaofclouds thank you.

He has hurt me before; last month he threw me through a doorway and then slammed the door on me when I tried to get back inside. He was drunk then as well. It has been an escalation. I know I can’t live with him any more but I love him and don’t want him out of my life. Yes, I’m a starstruck moron.

This is making me really depressed.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

You’ve got a savior complex. You believe that if you can just stick around long enough for him to get better, then he’ll be forever in your debt and thus you’ll never have to worry about him leaving you.

You both need help.

shego's avatar

Girlie, you can love him, but this is a really bad situation. He’s done it before, and he’s gonna do it again. Take charge, and do the right thing for the both of you.

TheQuietOne's avatar

“then he’ll be forever in your debt”

What the fuck are you talking about.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@TheQuietOne He’s done this before and it’s already getting worse. You need to worry about yourself. Leave him. If he wants to get help and straighten his life out to get you back, that’s on him. You need to focus on what you need right now. I think it would be good for you to talk to someone about why you want to put his life and well being above yours. You have self worth and value. You deserve to be with someone that won’t hurt you, someone that will love you, cherish you, and keep you safe from harm. Next time he does this, it will be worse and it will continue on that path.

Please, please, please get yourself away from the situation.

Jeruba's avatar

“Starstruck”? Is this person a celebrity?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Why else would you put up with the abuse? Of course you’ve got a savior complex. You’ve already admitted that he has a problem. So if you can just stick it out, then he’ll be forever in your debt.

Good luck with that. Seriously, good luck.

TheQuietOne's avatar

No, sorry, misuse of words. I meant that I’m blinded by my love for him or whatever.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Then open your eyes.

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TheQuietOne's avatar

Can we please focus on the original question.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

How does a blind person focus on anything? You’ve been given your answer. You choose to be blind to it.

Jeruba's avatar

A little jail time won’t kill him. It may well straighten him out. His remorse isn’t going to do it, nor is your kindness in response to his mistreatment of you. When he comes out sober, he’s still going to need a lot of support. Put your energy behind his positive steps and not his destructive ones.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@TheQuietOne Have you seen him since this happened?

lillycoyote's avatar

@TheQuietOne Maybe that wasn’t the best way to put it. There are people here who will be perhaps more thoughtful, more tender, more diplomatic, more compassionate in their approach to your question but what I will tell you is that unless you figure out how you can continue to “love” a man that treats you that way then someday you may very well find yourself involved with a man who will beat you to death eventually. Yes, it could be that serious, your loving this kind of man, your allowing a man to treat you this way and get away with it. I don’t want to see that happen to you or any woman.

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augustlan's avatar

He is very likely to be charged with or without your testimony, since the attack was witnessed by others. Whether or not he does jail time depends on a lot of factors, including his past record.

Now. Love him all you want, but get away from him just as fast as you can. I’ve known people in your situation… it won’t get better. One of them was killed, along with her children, when she finally tried to leave. You’ve got to go, girlie, and go now. You have got to.

We have all lost someone we’ve loved, whether they’ve died, they’ve left us, or we left them because it was the right thing to do. You will get over that part of it, I swear. What you won’t get over is him beating you to death, now a very real possibility.

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TheQuietOne's avatar

I don’t have a victim complex; I don’t have a savior complex; and I am not looking for attention. I was asking for the advice of people who have been party to this kind of experience.

lillycoyote's avatar

@TheQuietOne Then the best advice is to ditch the guy. I’m assuming that you deserve better, I suspect you most certainly do. There are a lot of men out there, most of them as a matter of fact, who don’t get drunk and beat the women they supposedly love, and a lot of them are interesting, passionate, funny, hot, etc.; whatever it is you see or find in this guy. Find yourself one of them. You deserve it.

Sarcasm's avatar

[Mod says]: Stay on topic. The topic is “I was violently assaulted by my boyfriend. What happens now?” Please disagree without being disagreeable. Insulting the asker will not help anybody.

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MyNewtBoobs's avatar

1) You pressing charges doesn’t really make a difference. Aside from the other witnesses, once domestic violence is reported, whether charges are pressed or not is out of your hands and in the hands of the police due to the number of battered wives that recant or refuse to press charges.

2) No matter what anyone says, you did not ask to be beaten, it is not your fault, and you do not deserve it.

3) Find a support group like AlAnon or your local abuse support group for help on a continuing basis.

4) You need to find your own reason(s) for pressing charges or not pressing charges. Its not your responsibility to save all the other woman he may hit, because you are responsible for you and you alone (and any offspring you may have).

5)When people say that if you don’t, you’ll become a statistic, it’s kinda redundant: you’ll be part of that statistic either way, you just choose which side of it you’ll be on. It also tends to invalidate your experience down to a number, and although they don’t always mean it like that, it’s shit and the best thing is to ignore it.

6) Get a therapist to help you figure out why you want to stay with this guy – the answer is different for everyone, and not quite as simple as what’s been posted above.

7) Pressing charges yourself doesn’t mean that the DA will press the charges (he/she may drop them for lesser charges, or decide not to pursue it at all). Pressing charges doesn’t mean he will be convicted. A conviction doesn’t mean that you will feel lots better, or better at all. And the process of pressing charges is often the worst part. It might also be great and amazing and just what you need.

8) A good person who hits you is still a person that hits you. Leave him.

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Scooby's avatar

I say get out now while you can!! My sister had this happen to her when she was in her early twenties, she took him back, he said he was sorry, he convinced her that she had provoked him & that it was her own fault that he punched her in the face! :-/ she was chatting to a guy friend of mine while out on the town with dozy draws, he’d had too much to drink & took exception to my sister chatting with other men. A friend she’d known for years…
Well it kept happening, it caused loads of trouble in the family, myself & my brother were going to kill him…. He smashed her up quite a few times but she kept going back, she once was a bonny lass but now after having her lips split over & over, her eyes black & blue you can see she’s been in the wars…. The last straw broke when he pulled a knife on her & locked himself & my sister in the bathroom.. Turns out he wanted his engagement ring back he’d given her because she’d refused to go to the shop to get him more booze, she couldn’t get it off so he was going to cut her finger off :-/
The police eventually turned up as one of the neighbours had heard the carry on & dialled 999.…. He jumped out of the bathroom window & made off… the police picked him up bit later on, charged him with kidnap, threatening behaviour with an offensive weapon etc, etc, etc, she dropped the charges! & refused to cooperate!:-/
So because she was so blind with love for this moron, myself, my brother & a couple of cousins decided to pay him a little visit, unbeknown to my sis….. We convinced him that it would be better all round if he never showed his face again & off he went…… the same guy, ten years later, got sent down for murder, he’d killed his then wife in a drunken rage after a night out with friends…..

That’s my experience, my sister was just too young , too besotted & very naive :-/ all true….

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stardust's avatar

The problem with domestic abuse is that the first time it happens and the partner stays, it sends a very clear message to the abuser. It’s awful that you’ve had to go through this. It’s an extremely difficult step to take, but my advice is to walk away. You don’t necessarily have to press charges if you feel that strongly about it, but you do need to walk away. Whether he decides to get treatment for his alcohol problem is in his hands. The only person you’re in control of is yourself. With that information, it comes down to making a decision. You can gamble on the fact that it won’t happen again or you can put yourself first and ensure that it doesn’t. Good luck with this.

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lillycoyote's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies Yes. It’s sad. Very sad. It’s the women who love the guys and don’t seem to get that this kind of behavior is very, seriously wrong that eventually end up dead; at the hand of someone who supposedly loves them. I hate to be so earnest and serious and pessimistic about these circumstances but it happens every day. Women need to say, absolutely, “I will not tolerate this!” That’s the only way that men will stop getting away with it.

TheQuietOne's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies
Stop. Just stop. You are hurting, not helping.

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RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

@lillycoyote As much as I agree with you, I must be very careful with my responses. Although @TheQuietOne has mentioned twice that this scenario ensues upon her SO going into Drunken Fits, it seems that even mentioning it will get my responses moderated as off topic. If it’s off topic, then why was it mentioned? twice

@TheQuietOne Sorry doll. I’d like nothing more than for you to be happy and hole. Again, I wish you well with the decisions you make in life. I really do.

TheQuietOne's avatar

@RealEyesRealizeRealLies don’t patronize me; I’m not a doll, damnit.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Then tell me about yourself. You sound extremely intelligent. Enough to know that you don’t want this situation to continue. This will get better. And you’ll be a better person from it. I’m sure your boyfriend has some fantastic qualities that endear you so to him. He sounds like a lucky guy to have such a loyal girl. I’m envious.

lillycoyote's avatar

@TheQuietOne I guess this is patronizing too, but all any of us want, in responding to your question, is for you to be in a relationship with a man who treats you well. A man whom you can love and who loves you, in a real way; a man who can have a relationship with you that doesn’t ever involve any kind of violence. Again, there are plenty of them out there. You don’t have to settle for a man who you very well may love, but who just happens to occasionally be violent, but is otherwise o.k. That is not o.k.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

What happens to your boyfriend depends on the jurisdiction and type of battery (either simple or aggravated). Depending on which one, it may be either a misdemeanor or a felony. I don’t know how serious of a felony either. He may do jail time, will probably be let out on parole (most people are). You can probably find out more from a local online community, such as San Fransisco LiveJournal (or where ever you live.

cookieman's avatar

What happens next?

You will likely be in court for him (either as a witness or moral support or both). Regardless of whether or not you press charges, he will be prosecuted as there were other witnesses. Granted, the state would have a better case if you testify against him. His sentence will depend a lot on his past record. If he’s clean, he’ll most likely get probation and made to attend a twelve-stepper and maybe see a counselor. If he has a record (or depending on the State), he could spend some time in jail.

Much of that is out of your control. What is in your control is what happens after that.

I realize you love him, but love is only one of about a dozen things needed for a healthy long-term relationship. ‘Mutual respect’ being one of the biggies.

Do you respect him for abusing you? Did he show respect by abusing you?

Clearly not.

Your not unintelligent. You know you need to leave him but your “heart” keeps talking about love. Truth is, in matters of the heart, it’s often best to use your brain.

zenele's avatar

May I say welcome to fluther, the nicest and most intelligent place on the web. After this long thread – I’ll just add {{{ hugs }}} and wish you the best.

DrasticDreamer's avatar

@TheQuietOne Don’t stay with him. If you love him, leave him, and if he truly cares about you HE will decide to get help. In my personal opinion, he should go to jail. Had the two security guards not seen anything happening through the window, who the hell knows how far he would have gone?

You wanted people who have been in the situation? Well, I am one. My father was an alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused my mother. If you want to hear stories about how many chances she gave him, all the broken promises he made to quit drinking and hitting her, and how, year after year the violence just got worse and worse, PM me. I have a ton of them. He didn’t quit drinking for years, even after the divorce. You have no idea what kind of life you’re setting yourself up for.

jazmina88's avatar

I have been through this before. I did not press charges and it was thrown out of court but the relationship was over. I was tired of the drunkeness. I made a rule I would never marry an alcoholic who was drinking. It made life bad.
I know how it feels. But you need to put yourself first. You decide what happens next. Not that it is easy. But it feels so good after you leave. I promise.

Andreas's avatar

@TheQuietOne I read only a few of the comments and your opening statement. Do yourself a favour: Go to a women’s shelter, talk to the women there and just see how much their experience at your age is similar/the same as yours. They’ll probably tell you that their SO also loved them, promised to change, cried “Please forgive me. It won’t happen again. I love you… yada yada yada” and how they both cried and then how they took their SO’s back and NOTHING changed.

Read all the replies and take everyone’s advice to heart, or you will regret it.

“Do to others as you would have them do to you.” Would he beat himself as he did you?

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

This story hits entirely too close to home. I know how frustrating it can be to hear from ANYONE, let alone a total stranger, that you should leave the person you love. Most of us don’t want to hear that from a loved one, let alone a stranger.
Alcohol does not make people violent. If that were the case then every person at the bar would come out a bloody mess. The violence comes from within, sometimes the alcohol just opens the door. The point is that this man did not hit you because he was drunk. He hit you because he is insecure. This is about him, not you. Although it’s been said in nearly every post above, I have to add to the plea… leave him. Walk away. It’s hard, I know it is, but you WILL heal. The potential for him to lose control and cause you more bodily harm than he already has is far too great for you to risk staying with him. Please look inside yourself and see how much you deserve better than this. I don’t have to know you to say that, because absolutely no one deserves treatment like that.

shpadoinkle_sue's avatar

@TheOnlyNeffie Your response reminded me of another question here about alcohol and behavior and you’ve got a great point.
@TheQuietOne It’s a tough choice and no one here wants to see you get hurt. I think that’s why everyone’s so passionate about helping you figure this out. We can’t understand your relationship with you boyfriend because we can’t get the complete picture. But, from how and what you described the situation, we’re giving the best answers we can that will keep you safe. You never know, jail might be the kick in the butt he needs and you can help him, from a distance, by supporting him if/when he needs any. I think that’s as close to the middle ground as I can get.

LuckyGuy's avatar

What happens next? You get out! Period!
Think. What did you do to set him off. Look at another guy? Ruin dinner? Walk in front of the TV?
Do you want to go through another year of this?
Start looking for a job and find friends or ask your parents to let you in. Now!.

gorillapaws's avatar

I haven’t experienced abuse personally, but I have studied this subject a fair bit in school. My advice is to get in touch with an abused women’s support group/shelter. Their only purpose is to help people in situations like yours. Take care of yourself and good luck.

mrentropy's avatar

I have a lot of experience in this situation. More than six years worth.

The first thing you need to do is press charges and let him go to jail. While he’s in jail he won’t be drinking and nobody, and I mean nobody is going to help him while he’s not sober. You can’t go to a clinic, you can’t go to a psychiatrist, you can’t even get into a mental institution unless you are sober. When he gets out of jail he will be sober, hopefully sorry for his actions, and hopefully more open to getting treatment for his alcoholism.

Why would you want to do this? Because I never did. I loved my wife, I really did. I wouldn’t leave her, couldn’t leave her, despite the times I’ve had things thrown at me, threatened with a knife, punched, kicked, framed for abuse, and everything else I went through.

I always thought I was helping her by keeping her out of jail and out of mental health facilities. And now she’s dead. Drunk driving, drove into a ditch in a convertible, rolled the car and died.

Now I live with this guilt every day. Wishing I had done more, wishing I had gotten her into jail so she’d be sober when she got out. She has four kids who are now orphans because I didn’t do the right thing which was to make sure she got put away, even for a week. I should have done more.

So, you have four options:
1) Continue to let him beat the shit out of you until you’re so psychologically damaged that nothing will mean anything to you anymore.
2) Do nothing and wait until he kills himself in one way or another (or both of you).
3) Leave now, never go back.
4) Let him go to jail, let him know what he did to you was wrong, and when he gets out sober get him into a program before he has a chance to drink again.

I don’t think you’re stupid or an idiot, but sometimes what we feel is wrong is really the right decision.

lynfromnm's avatar

My experience has been that if you allow your boyfriend a “free pass” it is a form of positive reinforcement for the most despicable behavior. Fortunately, in most jurisdictions these days, the state files the charges rather than relying on the person who has been beaten to do so. This is because law enforcement has recognized that people who are beaten by a loved one are likely to make excuses for the assault, just as you are doing. BUT your testimony is necessary and you must, please, you must, give it. Remember, your boyfriend is the one who put you in this position, so when he says “why did you put me in jail?” you know the answer. He put himself there. It was his actions, not yours, no matter how he tries to turn the tables.

You sound like an intelligent person, and here is another error people make – they think this can only happen to a certain type of woman – perhaps one who has been raised to be meek, or who believes her “man” is entitled to beat her. You are seeing first hand that this is not the case. This is how a life of subjugation, pain and victimization begins.

I am so sorry, but you simply cannot give in on this. All of the statistics, all of the news stories, all of the information you’ve heard about abuse – they are talking about your boyfriend, and they are talking about you. Many people who have no history of criminal activity became abusers.

We cannot, must not, excuse violent behavior if we plan to survive – whether it is in our personal relationships, or our communities. It is simply unacceptable. There are reasons why people act this way, but none of them are excuses.

You are not to be treated this way, whether the abuser is drunk or sober, whether he were abused as a child, whether he had a bad day, whether the world doesn’t appreciate him, or whether you “deserve” it because a man talked to you at a party.

We need to raise the standard of how we treat human beings and how we act as human beings. We start by refusing to accept demeaning and dangerous behavior.

dpworkin's avatar

Let the law take its course, and in the meantime get in touch with your local Domestic Violence agency and allow them to help you leave him. He will never stop hitting you. On the contrary, it will get worse and worse, and you will begin to feel helpless and worthless. Before this terrible cycle begins, get rescued.

Kayak8's avatar

In among the many comments above is some very sage advice. It is always hard when good advice doesn’t match what you WANT to have happen. You indicated that his level of violence has escalated (alcohol not withstanding) and that is my greatest concern—it will only escalate further and to unpredictable levels (more dangerous).

When someone is willing to return to an abusive environment (for whatever reasons given), I am always left with the sense of concern for the self-esteem of the abused. The best thing YOU can do in this situation is learn more about YOU. I would suggest talk-therapy with a counselor to explore your willingness to return to a dangerous and escalating situation.

The witnesses, pressing charges, all this is drama and a great distraction from what, for you, is the real question: What about me makes me willing to put up with this?

plethora's avatar

You are getting the advice and you don’t like it. If you choose to love a man who beats you EVEN ONCE, then you will be beat again and again. Every woman who stays with a man who beats her says she loves him. Yes, its a savior complex.

Press charges and never see him again.

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skfinkel's avatar

You know there are many women who live with this kind of situation, and it does not turn out well for them. Several stories are written above. I have always wondered why women do stay with an abuser, and one of the things I think about is that they were abused in their earlier lives, and this way of living makes some kind of sense to them. Might that be true for you? If that is the case, then you, too, might need some helpful counseling to work through that part of your life, and help you get clear on what what is going on. There is nothing—ever—that you do that could condone anyone “punishing” you in this way. So, be honest with yourself—get strong—and get some help. Of course he didn’t show this side of his personality to you right away, but once he does, and you still “love” him, then you are just encouraging both you and him to continue a pattern of sadness and despair. While you have no legal ties to him, and gratefully no children, please think carefully about what you do now. This is really a critical time for you.

trailsillustrated's avatar

it’s not going to matter much what you do because he is going to be in the legal system for a long, long time. Formal probation (in which he will be barred from seeing you) anger management for like 17 months, required alcohol treatment, all that. So your’e probably going to have to stay away from him anyway even if you don’t press charges

tedd's avatar

You could just not press charges and leave him, has anyone suggested that?

skfinkel's avatar

@tedd I think I implied that by not talking about the charges. And just leaving now.

cfrydj's avatar

Fortunately for you, the courts are probably going to make it illegal for him to contact you, which is what you need.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Your intuition is what bade you write, “I know how stupid this must sound.”

I would heed it.

No matter how good a person he might be, if he can’t control himself from lashing out in anger or whatever demons he’s battling, if he sees fit to hit you, then your first priority, no, your obligation to yourself is to keep your person safe and avoid someone who would hurt you.

Please. Press charges and let him accept the consequences. What if he snaps and kills you, or someone else? Can you take that risk?

I’ve not been battered by a boyfriend, but by people who claimed to care for me, and it took me a long time to see that no matter what, being beaten is not right. My safety comes first.

SuperMouse's avatar

I had a friend who was violently abused by her husband for years before she finally got up the nerve to take their three children and leave. He stalked her and generally made her life miserable for years after that. She finally managed to break free of his tyranny and on the eve of my wedding she gave me some advice. She told me that if a man hits you once it is a deal breaker. Period. The fact of the matter is that once he has crossed that line – whether he is sober, drunk or somewhere in between, he has proven he is capable of hitting a woman and that is all it should take. @TheQuietOne that is all you really need to know. By staying, you are giving him permission to continue to mistreat you. Please understand that you do not deserve to be abused, physically, emotionally, whatever. You are not an idiot. You are a young woman in a difficult situation, standing at a crossroads. Pick one direction and you could be setting yourself up for a life of misery. Pick the other and you are bound to find the life and love you deserve, one based on mutual respect. You might find some helpful information here.

Please heed all the the great advice above (and, even though it might be hard, ignore the jabs) and leave now. Good luck.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. Here are the facts as I see them
1. He has a drinking problem
2. That drinking problem is getting worse (maybe stress from work whatever)
3. By getting worse he is now getting physical with you.
4. You, in spite of him pummeling you, do not want to leave.
5. You don’t want to hink up his life with legal baggage.

Some real world crap here, having never been through that myself (I would never be in a relationship where a woman was physical with me and I find it way too illogical to be with someone I would have to be violent with), but friends and family I know have. If you do not press charged you should at least get a restraining order. They last for a time unless you go to court and petition to extend it (which I am sure you don’t care to do). Also you should talk to the DA, tell him you WOULD but only for misdemeanor not felony and only if he does no more than 6 months in jail. He certainly needs a wake up call. If you opt out of jail you can agree to pressing charges if part of his condition to stay out of jail includes anger management classes and a live-in program (but no program will work unless he gets ready to make a change.

I know after one invest to much time and their heart into a relationship it is hard to leave because things changed and soured, also no one wants to think they quit too early and did not stick it out longer. But when booze or drugs is at play there is your personal safety to think about. The longer he gets away with slapping you around what makes him think he couldn’t get way with cold cocking you with a fry pan, or trying to water board you in the toilet? You don’t want to press charges at least get a 6mo. Min. restraining order and tell him to get help less you extend it. Then if he reallys loves you he will do all he can to one day be with you again.

gemiwing's avatar

He may love you but he isn’t loving you. Love is not an emotion- it’s action. Love is safe, calm and loving. You are not safe, it isn’t calm and hitting someone is not a sign of love.

I thought this would be easier to talk about, but it’s not. I’ve been there and I have the t-shirt.

It starts with little things like snide comments, builds into threats of leaving/changing and escalates into being beaten the crap out of. One day you stand infront of the mirror, eyes swolen shut and your jaw wired and you still wonder how you can make it better for them. What did I do? How can I not anger them again?

Then you wonder what the hell am I doing?

Please, leave now before you reach that point.

Get help, get therapy and get the hell away from him. You didn’t get him in this mess and you don’t have to get him out of it. You didn’t jump in his body and pull his little puppet strings. He made a choice to hit you. He decided making you bleed was a good idea.

Fuck that-run.

nebule's avatar

I think you probably have enough good responses here but I just wanted to say I’m sorry that you’ve had to go through that. I’ve been there…a lot. They don’t change, even when you desperately believe they will…or already have. I’d get some counselling. I’ve been in counselling for nearly three years…perhaps longer actually due to various abusive episodes. Save yourself xxxx lots of love xxx

kruger_d's avatar

Talk to a counselor/social worker/pastor or other professional about your experience and your choices. Friends and family will hopefully respond with compassion, anger, and advise. But this was a traumatic event, and you need to be brave enough to seek out professional help if you want to cope in a healthy way.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@TheQuietOne There is only one person about whom you must be concerned right now and that is you. The decisions you make now will determine the future path of your life and how long it may last.

Since this incident is not even the first, you already know very clearly what a pattern of abuse feels like and how it escalates.

If you ever want to regain your sense of control over your life and if you want to hold onto or rebuild your self-respect, you must take responsibility for yourself.

Nobody here can bear the thought of you being another dead victim of an abusive partner.

Please, dear girl, stand up and take action to make sure this never happens to you again.
In addition, your boyfriend needs a harsh lesson before he is ever going to change.

Get out of this relationship and get some help for yourself. You need help so you are not going to continue to suffer the effects of this trauma. You are confused and your feelings are leading you to continue to make serious mistakes. I am a psychologist and I know that without help, your life is going to be very hard, even if you never see your abuser again.

Please! Get away and get help!

Kantieta's avatar

This question is about me.

I am here to answer the question of what happened next, after that night… We ended up meeting up together, with a friend, and discussing what went down (as I recall I let the friend hit me… I don’t really remember, this was my first experience with marijuana). I started and stopped a 12 step program. Her, the friend, and I started smoking pot and actually got along alright for a short time. She left for Africa to teach children in Tanzania about HIV and AIDS, because she is that magnanimous, while I stayed at our apartment and began drinking again. August 3rd, I came to court with letters from her family and mine, attesting that these incidents were fueled by alcohol and that such actions are an incredible breach of character for me. The charges were pursued by the DA, even though she did not press charges herself, and I am currently serving probation. I enrolled in my violence cessation classes mandated by my probation, and she supported me while I attended them. I signed the lease over to that mutual friend, and stayed/watched the apartment for them until their schooling began. I lost my job, because the company I worked for was sold. She moved back to [removed by Fluther] and in October, I moved back to our hometown of [removed by Fluther]. We’ve had little or no contact since I came back to [removed by Fluther]. I have since stopped drinking alcohol, now struggle with what the mental hospital suggested may be anything from BPD to Schizophrenia to MPD… And want nothing more than to make peace with what happened. I still can’t find peace. I love her more than your commentary gives credit to, and I know that the love she described in her commentary is a perfect reflection of that love. I believe that she gave up on me after some time… I believe that she is gone from my life in all ways but in memory… And I know that the pain I feel over that is my penance.

I apologize ahead of time if my post is not up to the high standards that Fluther attempts to maintain… This is an understandably (hopefully) emotional subject.

Kantieta's avatar

To be fair, on the subject of her having given up on me and moved along, I dated other people during the last two years… But nothing lasting. Just distractions and methods of escape from reality…

I am presently attempting to get my life sorted out and put things back on track. I figure the least I can do is be the person she always knew I could be.

bkcunningham's avatar

Listen, I haven’t read all of the answers. I read a few and nobody had said this to you yet so I’m going to tell you something very important. You don’t have to press charges against him. It is out of your hands. If the state has witnesses that saw the creep beat you up, he could be in big trouble. Has he been in legal trouble before?

Kantieta's avatar

@bkcunningham : You may want to at least read my responses, since they are related to the subject of your response.

Also no, this was a first offense.

Natalie200's avatar

You need to press charges if no body saw what happened the outcome would of been no further action once you press charges he can get help he can be put on a behaviour programe which you cant get unless you press charges if you dont help yourself then no one can help you if you love him you would do the right thing or he ll get worse and end up killing you or ull end up killing him in self defence and end up in prison

Response moderated (Writing Standards)
Response moderated (Writing Standards)
nebule's avatar

I wonder how things have turned out?

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