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ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

He kissed me, now he's distant? (Practically ignoring me)?

Asked by ILikeToRideMyBicycle (67points) September 10th, 2011

I met this guy a few weeks ago, we work for the same organisation. I was just out to make friends and in fact liked someone else at the time, but after a few days of talking to him I started to develop feelings for him.

Furthermore it was obvious he liked me back. He would hug me all the time for no good reason, put his arm around my shoulders, and when I got tired he would let me rest my head on his chest. We had a ton of in-jokes, and we would laugh all the time. He dropped subtle compliments about my laugh and how I looked and gave me his coat in the rain.

Other friends at the place we work started to notice and teased a little, giving us directions to the church etc. but it was all lighthearted and neither of us cared, if anything we enjoyed it.

We went out for a drink with friends the other night, and us two had been a bit closer than usual that day, hugging a little more intimately and getting our faces close together (just in a jokey way but nonetheless). And I knew things were going to happen. And they did.

A couple of glasses of wine later we were kissing. I would stop to talk, saying we should probably pay some attention to our other friends who were there, but he would grab my face with both hands and just carry on kissing me (not that this was a bad thing, but it just shows how eager he was to kiss me)

We drove all our friends away (lol) and it was us two left making out, and we got a little handsy as well…haha.
When I had to leave he went with me to the station, and carried on kissing me through the streets and on the escalator. At one point we even sat together on the floor just before the barriers where I’d have to leave him, and just made out for another half an hour.

Eventually I had to leave him
When i got home I was ecstatic.
I thought that would be it, that we were together and that that was what we both wanted.
But the next day he was a little distant from me. He’d talk to me, but not how he usually would, like he was holding me at arms length.

I got the courage up and just said that he didn’t need to feel weird about last night, and he told me he was just thinking and that it was mainly him and his issues with a possible relationship.

Again the next day, we had a little chat (I had drunkenly texted him the night before saying that I liked him and he needed to be straight with me…) I apologised for the drunken text, and he told me that he wasn’t really ready for a relationship, but that he wouldn’t stop being friends with me and we had a (annoyingly platonic) hug..

But I don’t understand what happened between the time I left him at the train station and when I saw him again the next morning. I know I was drunk but I meant everything I did, he seems like quite a shy guy anyway, most definitely not a player, he’s only ever had a couple of girlfriends.

But if he likes me (which i know he does) and knows I like him, what is preventing him from forming a relationship with me? He has no girlfriend, lives nearby, I can see him on a regular basis… I just want to know what freaked him out and how he went from flirting with me and wanting me.. to wanting to be friends.

I feel like I’ve been strung along, but he didn’t mean to do it…he wanted me but doesn’t want a relationship. I’m tired of bugging him, hence I am looking for an outsider’s opinion on what he may be thinking, what changed after that night?? It is so mind boggling.

Thanks in advance.

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25 Answers

plethora's avatar

I think he told you what is wrong, and it is not you. He has relationship fears. I dont know your age, but I would suggest sitting him down (you take charge) and saying here’s the deal. I like you, I respect you, I have fun with you and I need my space as well as you do yours. You’re not the only guy on earth, even though you’re pretty special to me right now. Take it or leave it.

HungryGuy's avatar

Put him in a big slingshot and hurl him into the sun…

Ayesha's avatar

Ok, so here’s the thing. I still can’t say for sure what happened but I am willing to give you advice anyway. Move on. I know stuff like this happens, one night you’re hot and heavy and the next day it’s weird and awkward. Take it as casually as possible, might as well start going out and start looking. Don’t pause you love-life waiting on this incident. He has issues to deal with, let him be. If he really likes you, he’ll come around. I know it’ll be hard, but I’m sure it’ll be good for you in the end. Play it cool.

tedibear's avatar

I call this, “I like you a lot and it scares me how much I like you so I must run away” syndrome. It happens when people (and I’ve seen both men and women do this) like the feelings of the beginning of a possible relationship but get scared when it could turn into “something more.” He’s not lying when he says he has relationship fears. You need to believe it when he says that. I would say what @plethora said and let the ball now be in his court.

He’s not a bad guy, he just doesn’t know what to do with his fear.

Ayesha's avatar

Oooh I like what @HungryGuy said. That’s a good idea too. I’ll help.

smilingheart1's avatar

What decade of life would you both be in?

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@smilingheart1 I’m 20, he’s 26. We certainly don’t care about the age difference. But I wonder if its because maybe he’s in a different chapter of life to me?

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@plethora that’s something I’ve ruined any chance of doing by sending him the drunken text. He’s not great at talking about things frankly either, and I’m not all that fond of it myself, no matter how necessary it is. Could it be a fear of intimacy on his part?

@HungryGuy hahaha! Now where am I going to get a big slingshot at this hour??

@Ayesha that’s what I am trying to do, but I guess I’m just finding the “waiting” really difficult. Just going to have to try harder I guess! Haha :) Thanks

and @tedibear Lovely answer. I think it might be that. Not in an arrogant way, but I am positive he likes me. Frustrating but I suppose the best thing I can do is let him come to terms with his fears.

Thanks all who answered so far.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m in my 40’s now and from experience and observation I can gamble say to leave off of this guy. A guy that likes you and wants is going to come after you and try to find a way, awkward or not to get to be with just him. Anyone else and anything else they sputter on about, put them in the no-go group.

smilingheart1's avatar

@ILikeToRideMyBicycle, I really empathize with you. Given everything that has gone down he really owed you a better explanation than what you got. But the best damage control is to revert to cordiality and see if there are any explanations forthcoming from him. I REALLY encourage you to protect your own heart and sense of self esteem by treating him as befits the change in circumstance. He will respect you all the more for that.

Your_Majesty's avatar

His hormones pushed him that night and he can’t hold it but to kiss you. The next day he realized about that and wish to prevent any further ‘sin’. He probably was looking for partners for their personality in the first place but easily-tempted to choose based on their current biological-attractiveness.

Yes, he was using you that night. He kissed you and want you to act like there was nothing special between you two? Really? Just friend? Well, what’s done is done. He might be a naughty clever guy that look like a decent caring man, or he could be a really nice guy that has admitted his incompetence.

He might also not ready for this relationship (if he’s really the nice one), and asking you as his friend to further analyze what he’s looking in you as partner. Anyway, just ask him if it’s possible for him to be your boyfriend, if he says no, then let him fly away and stop wasting your time for something that isn’t worth your time. Other guys might just looking for you! Ah… Those sexy lips… No wonder so many guys couldn’t resist you!

Jellie's avatar

Is it possible that he was like Orsino from 12th Night? Only in love with the idea of being in love. It was the chase and flirting that excited him more than the actual relationship?
Does he look torn between wanting to ignore you and being back to normal with you? Or do you find that he’s moving on very easily?
If it is the former than he really is going through some turmoil and needs to sort himself out, if it’s the latter I think he just enjoyed some flirting as opposed to a committment.

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@Neizvestnaya that’s what friends have been telling me to do, but it is so much easier said than done. I can definitely say he wasn’t playing me, and as pathetic as it sounds, if he still wants me but is just afraid of a relationship, then I’m prepared to help him see that there is nothing to be afraid of with me.

@HungryGuy hahahahah that just made me laugh so much! Thanks, I needed that :)

@smilingheart1 thank you for the kinds words. I am trying to keep some distance myself, as I have far too much self respect to go running around after him like a lovesick puppy. I hope he does see the light, but I feel a little helpless just waiting to see… :(

@Your_Majesty Hahaha yes hormones played a major part in that night…that and alcohol is a dangerous (albeit fun) concoction! He is definitely a decent guy…a bit of a textbook geek to be honest, into computer games and manga, wears glasses etc. haha, but i find it endearing :)
He is in no way smooth and its almost like there was a different person kissing me that night, he just took me by surprise, I didn’t know he had it in him! And you are right, whats done is indeed done, and I do need to accept that and work with things as they are, even though I feel it is so much harder now. I’m not prepared to let him “fly away” I like him far too much. But I am going to keep him at a safe distance, and just be as I’ve always been with him and hopefully he will come around to the idea of me and him.

@Jellie That was the exact thing I wondered for a split second after I realised how he felt. And I think we both found the chase and flirting more exciting, but I feel that’s the case with most people who meet and get on like that, its the mystery and the uncertainty that keep you on your toes.
But he does look torn between wanting to ignore me and being back to normal with me, he definitely is NOT moving on very easily in that I can see he is unsure how to act around me now…whether we could still hug and lie on each other’s shoulders without it leading to other things or possibly giving me false hope. He is not normally a flirt. Even though he flirted with me, I encouraged him and had to break the touch barrier by lying on his shoulder one day, and from then on we escalated, getting closer and closer until obviously the whole kissing fiasco…

if it is that he is going through some turmoil and he needs to sort himself out (which I’m now thinking is very likely), is it a case of just waiting it out but still making sure my presence is felt in his life?

Jellie's avatar

“if it is that he is going through some turmoil and he needs to sort himself out (which I’m now thinking is very likely), is it a case of just waiting it out but still making sure my presence is felt in his life?”

Depends. How much do you like him? Enough to wait for him to get things straight? And if he doesn’t what do you do then?
I think for now since this is infatuation, it’s exciting but i’ts not serious, distract yourself. If you wish to stay friends with him then do that. However don’t give him the impression that you’re waiting for him, I imagine that would only put him off more. Guys don’t like clingy and you shouldn’t be wasting your time anyway.

I know you say that he’s not your average flirt, but I wouldn’t trust a boy that age as far as I can throw him.

marinelife's avatar

He will see you at work, and he knows you are there.

I think you need to take him at his word that he is not prepared to have a relationship and move on emotionally.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

It is easier said than done but there also a HUGE difference in the feeling you have being with someone who you don’t have “sell” yourself on. Attraction and good times are one thing and a relationship with some you choose for relationship material is something else.

gailcalled's avatar

@all; Does this person, who signed up today, sound like several other fly-by-nights with similar interests in true-romance and soap-opera fantasy? Or am I too cynical?

Judi's avatar

Were the friends you “ran off,” work friends? Have you ever had a relationship with anyone else at work?
Someone may have told him that a workplace relationship can be messy and awkward for the whole office. He may have been embarrassed and figured it was easier to call it off than explain or pursue it.

Hibernate's avatar

Shaking story. After the part where you guys were drunk I stopped reading. Don’t get me wrong or even misconstrued. But have you even wondered if this can be “blamed” on alcohol?

dreamwolf's avatar

He probably didn’t feel the magic. I’d get over it, he owes you nothing, you owe him nothing. Simple. Let the distance happen. Don’t be desperate, maybe the distance will give him time contemplate. If you think he’s really worth it, let him approach when you feel he’s ready. Just remember, at this point, there are no rules, and he may be testing the waters with you and other girls. He’s 26, you’re 20. A six year gap, implies so much more experience on his end. Naivety could kill a man, the apple was the cure.

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@gailcalled Actually I had an account on fluther this time last year for a period of about 4 months, I have been heavily distracted with work and life hence I didn’t make it back on, and I’ve completely forgotten my username/password, but I remembered how helpful the users on here were and if anyone could shed light on my situation it was them. I was on around the time that JeffVader was as I remember some very funny conversations with him.

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@Jellie Thank you, that’s really helpful, I am going to attempt to distance myself as it seems that is the best course of action for now. Hopefully he will come around, if not then there is not much I can do about it. I can’t be with someone who doesn’t want a relationship, I’d only be punishing myself and I can see that now.

@marinelife Yep that is true, I won’t ignore him but I’ll see him around.

@Neizvestnaya You are completely right, a relationship is totally different to fun, and it could explain why he’s decided against a relationship with me, because we did have fun. A lot of it. But that’s not enough to start going steady with someone.

@Judi I’ve never had a relationship with anyone else at work. And it’s not work in the standard “office” setting…it’s difficult to explain, but it is possible that he wasn’t fond of how many people had decided to get themselves involved in our little thing, whatever it was. As we had a couple of our friends teasing us then saying “you two would make a lovely couple” and it kind of left us at a loss for words, like we were in a fishbowl with everyone watching our every move. I can see how he might find that intimidating even though I don’t particularly care. It’s a lot of pressure to get it right.

@Hibernate I didn’t feel it could be completely blamed on alcohol as we were very and i mean very close, physically, before any drinking happened. But it may have been the alcohol that gave him the extra push that I didn’t need.

@dreamwolf I have now decided to hang back and let him approach me if and when he feels ready.

Thank you all for the advice, I feel a lot happier about the course of action I’ve now decided to take.

Buttonstc's avatar

This is not just for this situation only but for your self esteem and future happiness.

But and read the book ( IGNORE the CRAPPY MOVIE of the same name) “He’s Just Not That Into You”.

And then read it again.

There is no big mystery here. You did nothing wrong. If he wanted to continue to be with you he would. You are not the one for him.

IF (and that is a HUGE IF) he felt you were the one, he would do everything in his power to make sure that nobody else scoops you up. He isn’t doing that. It’s not your fault. You did nothing wrong. But if you continue to pursue him and be available to him, you definitely will.

Move on and enjoy your life. Don’t put your life on hold waiting for him to see the light.

So why does he still want to be friends and string you along? Why not?

Until he does find the one you’re a good backup. Never know when a booty call will come in handy.

You deserve better than hanging around being his “Plan B”. You deserve to be Plan A for someone.

ILikeToRideMyBicycle's avatar

@Buttonstc wow. thank you for being so frank! There is no big mystery here. You did nothing wrong. If he wanted to continue to be with you he would. You are not the one for him.

As much as that hurts you are so so right. I realise now I have my own issues here of letting go. I will have a look at that book and keep everything you’ve said in mind. Thank you.

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