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Lilo777's avatar

Yet another relationship advice question - long, but please help me out!

Asked by Lilo777 (109points) November 5th, 2012

OK quick background – my boyfriend and I have been dating for a year (he’s 23, I’m 20) and our relationship has been fantastic overall, aside from the issues that have popped up recently.

Basically, he has been seeing his old girlfriend (of three years, they broke up in 2010) BEHIND my back! So far it’s only happened twice that I know about, but that’s enough to make me quite upset. The first time was in September – I actually asked a question about it:… anyway, after a big argument the issue was sort of resolved – he explained that she does in fact know about me and that they are JUST friends and I have nothing to worry about. So that was that.
This past week, I was getting weird vibes, so I’m not too proud to admit that I snooped through his phone to find text messages from/to her. Turns out he drove an hour to see her (in the town that I go to school in, I might add) and totally lied to me about it. Their text messages are so flirty it makes me sick. So I messaged the old girlfriend on Facebook. She responded assuring me there is nothing going on between them and that they like to meet for coffee every few weeks to “catch up”. Fine.
My problem is that I can’t stand him doing this behind my back. He says he only snuck around because he knows I’d be upset. OF COURSE I WOULD! And if he knows that, why do it in the first place?? Next problem – Originally I gave him an ultimatum – I know, probably a bad idea, but I told him he needs to pick her or me because it’s just not fair to me. Then I told him that he doesn’t have to cut her out completely, just talk to her every now and then and not see her. But he doesn’t seem to want to compromise at all. He wants to keep her and keep me; have his cake and eat it too?
I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to lose him, but I can’t handle him being hung up on this girl. He says he’s not and any feelings for her are in the past—I’ve never met her so what am I supposed to believe? I hate him being so secretive and I just hate how he feels the need to spend so much time with an ex. PLEASE HELP.

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32 Answers

Trillian's avatar

Seriously? Move on or get used to a life of this crap.

Coloma's avatar

Wake up and smell the bullshit kiddo.
Him: Secrets+lies+sneaking around with old girlfriends= asshole. Assholes don’t change 99% of the time, they have character defects.

You: Angry+mistrustful+spineless+low self esteem= Trainwreck woman ( wtf! You don’t mind agreeing to an open relationship to keep an asshole in your life? How low will you go? )
Do you need a power point presentation?

KNOWITALL's avatar

Um, it could be both. He could still be really into her and she could want to be friends with him, what’s her relationship status?

Either way, the ONLY thing you can control is what you accept from him. You gave him an ultimatum and then backtracked because you don’t want to lose him, but see, you already have because he cares more about her than you right now.

How are you going to feel if they sleep together or already have, because driving an hour away to be with a girl who’s not your girlfriend is not something most guys would do. :(

Sorry, just try not to be a beeyotch and be all “Hey, I’ve got some things to do so you go do your thing and we’ll go from there” know, play it cool and let it go sister, he sounds like a tool anyway since he’s disregarding your feelings completely.

PS I’ve had lots of guy friends all my life and if a gf tried to be jealous over me, I made sure we were all in the same room or told him to invite her to where we were going. If there’s nothing weird going on, he should get you two together. Shouldn’t be a problem unless he’s being a skeezer.

marinelife's avatar

1. Your boyfriend is doing things behind your back and he has lied about it.

2. If he didn’t care about her, then he would not see her. Especially knowing that you are upset about it.

3. You need to break up with him. He is not worth keeping.

gailcalled's avatar

This is yet another four weeks of your one precious life that you are devoting to this.

When do you decide that you are worth more than what you are getting?

Strike one, strike two. Are you really going to sit around and wait for strike three?

zenvelo's avatar

You set a boundary (the ultimatum) now you need to live by it or your boundaries will never be respected. Things have not changed for him at all since your last question, so it is time to move on.

It really has nothing to do with the ex, but with his behavior. She may be long past anything but friends with her, he is sneaking around with her in case she’ll change her mind and have sex with him. Or, they’re having sex and she is not honest. Either way, he is not respecting you, he is keeping you around as a backup.

Dump him like the turd he is.

rojo's avatar

@zenvelo I agree but I believe you meant “flush” him like the turd he is.

LuckyGuy's avatar

You know what you have to do. Cut him off, now! You do not need to admit you snooped. .Make the move and do not look back. Do not take him back. It is over. Do it! Before you waste more of your life. Do not meet with him later like his ex is doing.

Seriously, do you think she would tell you if they were having sex? Really? If he wanted to talk with her, he could have used his phone. He is willing to drive one hour, in secret, for a reason. Think about it for a minute. Get it?! Now do something about it.

Don’t make us come over there. :-)

Deshi_basara's avatar

Personally I have maintained friendship status with a few of my ex’es at times. Even with new women in my life. I admit I have snuck around about it because it was easier than dealing with the jealousy and the arguments, but that was my own perogative.

My thoughts: Give your man the benefit of the doubt until you have proof of foul play. He may just like the company of this person, he may want someone other than you to talk to, I mean he dated this person so obviously they have something in common. As for the flirting, I flirt with a 43 year old married woman in my office. It just feels nice knowing thet you’re desired by someone every now and then.
Am I saying trust him completely? No. I’m just saying that trust goes a long way and that worrying will only lead to ulcers.

glacial's avatar

Why do you need to ask us for advice? You told him what you wanted, and he said no. He doesn’t respect your need for honesty, and he doesn’t want to be in the relationship you want to be in with him. You’ve already broken up, you just aren’t admitting it yet.

wundayatta's avatar

Exes are touchy subjects, of course. Sometimes, I guess, something is going on, but I would guess that most of the time, they are just finishing the relationship. They still have unfinished stuff, and they have to see each other to continue to sort through it. And indeed, they may sleep together for old times sake, but that doesn’t mean the relationship is starting again.

I had an old girlfriend who kept showing up and boinking me a few times a year for a couple of years after she broke up with me. I don’t know why. I was still hung up on her, so I did not say no. I didn’t want to say no. And I was seeing someone else at the time, too, although I was not fully committed to that relationship. She knew.

When I met my wife, she would go see her ex a couple of times. I saw mine, too. But there really was nothing there, except trying to sort out what happened. We want to be good people. We want to end things properly. But it doesn’t always end cleanly.

I would remain agnostic about this. I would tell him that you want to understand why he still is seeing her. Tell him that it threatens you, and it’s not that you don’t believe him. It’s just that the situation is naturally threatening. But don’t tell him he can’t see her. You want him to be with you because he wants to, not because you force him to.

I think it is hard for him to be willing to tell you when you throw a scene every time he does tell you. That encourages him to go underground. Most people do throw scenes, but most of us aren’t all that emotionally mature and we have a hard time trusting someone around their ex. It’s human nature. It’s not logic. Logic doesn’t work here.

You know what you will miss if you break it off with him. That’s why it’s so hard to break it off. Unfortunately, you can’t tell if he will end up back with her or not. The only thing you can judge is your own relationship. If your relationship is strong enough, then he will be with you. Whatever he does with her will not matter. Most likely, he is with you, and he just has unfinished business. But there is a chance he will end up back with her. No guarantees, I’m afraid.

So are you guys tight? Or is this fight enough to break you apart? If it is, then it’s over. But if this is just a bump in the road, and otherwise, things are really good between you, then be big, and hold onto your self control. Let them be friends. You, after all, have the important part of the guy.

glacial's avatar

“You, after all, have the important part of the guy.”

I doubt that is true, if he’s lying to her about seeing the ex, after she specifically asked him not to. The OP is 20 years old. This is the point when she learns whether or not she’s able to stand up for herself in a relationship.

poisonedantidote's avatar

This has no future to it.

I hate to give relationship advice along these lines, but the simple fact is that you deserve to be treated better. He MUST know that this hurts your feelings, and his insisting to do this in secret is the emotional equivalent to being punched in the face.

Don’t put up with people who are wreckless with your feelings.

Your ultimatum to him was perfectly justified, and he seems to have made his choice.

There are 7 billion people on this planet, there is just no excuse for him to cling to this past ex for friendship, when it is causing you stress and heart ache, and there are plenty of other people he can befriend.

If he is mature and grown up enough to be able to be friends with someone despite a romantic break up with that person, then he is damn well mature enough to know fully well what he is doing to you by seeing her so frequently. Once every couple of years is excusable, once every couple months is not.

If they are really over each other, and if he really understands what meeting with her does to you, and he does just want to catch up over a coffee, then he should have no problem at all inviting you to come along to meet with her. The fact that he does it in secret, should be setting off major alarm bells.

You are 20 years old, you have probably had a handful of relationships or so. What are the odds that out of 7 billion people on this planet, that he is the perfect one that is just right for you.

You have plenty of life left to live, there is no reason you can’t break it off with him and then end up working it to be in a far better situation with someone far better for you. Don’t let low self esteem, or attempts to re-caputre the past stop you from doing the right thing.

I don’t care if you are fat, have a beard, one leg, have a boring shit personality and are stupid. The simple fact is someone else better would still like to be with you.

And yes, I know… I really do know, I have asked relationship questions on here too, what do us idiots know? (specially me) I don’t even know what he looks like right? how can I judge him.

… Click the back button, click your own question again, pretend it is me who asked the question, and then give me your advice on how to deal with it.

EDIT: If he is the real deal, the one, then break up and don’t worry. If he really does love you and is the one, he will show up in the rain crying at your door on his knees.

I know I sure have had to swallow my pride before now.

augustlan's avatar

Okay, I have not read all of the answers here, so forgive me if I’m repeating anything. The main problem I would have with this is the fact the he lied to you after the argument you had with him. That could be a deal-breaker. About the flirty text-messages…is he a flirty guy in general? If he doesn’t flirt with anyone else, that would be a red flag. If he’s a flirty guy by nature though, don’t read too much into it. My next paragraph assumes he is flirty by nature:

I think it’s terribly unfair of you to ask him to choose between his friend (who happens to be his ex) and you. There is no reason he should not be able to be friends with someone he used to have a relationship with. I am friends with some of my exes, and since we are all adults, we deal with it just fine. I gave up one of my friends-who-was-an-ex once for a guy who insisted I do so. I always regretted it, and I would never do it again. Your insecurity about his ex is your issue. If both of them have assured you that nothing is going on, you can either trust the guy you love or not.

Since he has lied to you after you had the argument, I can see why you might not want to trust him at this point. However, keep in mind that he told you he didn’t want to give up the friendship, and didn’t see why he had to lose you over it. He was truthful about that, at least.

deni's avatar

The solution to this problem seems easy enough to me. Why do you even believe him? You know if he was cheating he would not admit it, or even not physically cheating, but emotionally maybe. Just as bad. The issue is that it’s behind your back, which makes me think it isn’t so innocent. If it was, he would tell you, it’d be no issue. I’d leave. That is a dishonest thing to do and nothing good is going to come of it.

BosM's avatar

Lasting, mature relationships are built on trust and mutual respect and it appears yours lacks both. Remember, only you can teach people how to treat you, teach him well.

Create space here and move on. He isn’t over the ex, you know it in your gut, trust yourself. Good luck. Peace, BosM

nofurbelowsbatgirl's avatar

You know I personally don’t really have a problem with how you are reacting to your boyfriends behavior.

My problem is that he obviously doesn’t give a crap about you’re feelings.

Any guy who seriously loves, honors and cherishes you will go beyond their limits to prove that they want you to feel like you can trust them & that you feel safe, comfortable & loved.

It is obvious by your reaction you do not really feel any of that.

To me this says that this guy is not ready to commit, and if you want a commitment you might as well find a guy who wants the same because I don’t think you will find that in this guy, but just a waste of your time.

You are young & trust me the right guy comes a long and you will know.

Just treat this like a learning experience of what qualities you have learned you do not want in the next guy.

Be happy that like me you didn’t find your perfect guy and he goes and dies on you.

Adagio's avatar

”… sort of resolved.” = not resolved

Judi's avatar

If you don’t enforce your ultimatum you will never be taken seriously by him.
If you ask me, it’s time to move on.

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glacial's avatar

I can’t believe the post directly above mine was removed as spam, but not the one before that! Haha!

Buttonstc's avatar

Do you really think that if he loved you that he would be totally ignoring your needs like this? You already know the answer to that, don’t you ?

It’s just that the obvious truth is hard to accept. He does not love you. (Yes he enjoys the relationship and likes having sex with you but he doesn’t consider you as a priority in his life. If he did he wouldn’t keep seeing her in secret AND FLIRTING with her).

You are not his priority. As harsh as it sounds you know it’s the truth. If he loved you, you would have no doubt that you are at the top of his priority list.

Here’s another truth you need to accept. You cannot force him to love you.

You need to cut yourself completely loose from this guy and then you’ll be open to find the one for whom you are the sun moon and stars put together. Someone who makes you his first priority without question. Someone who is not sneaking around on you flirting with his ex.

That’s what you deserve. But you’re the only one who can create the circumstances for the right guy to come into your life. As long as you are tied to Mr. Deceptive, you aren’t available for Mr. Right.

No matter what you do, you can’t force this guy to love you.

LostInParadise's avatar

The one thing that is most wrong is that he lied to you. Relationships are based on trust. If he wants to visit his ex and has a clear conscience about it, then he should speak up and say so. Lying is not an option. If you can’t trust what he says then this relationship has no future.

Wine's avatar

Your boyfriend CHOSE to go behind your back, even did so after you expressed your discomfort with the current relationship that he has with his ex! If you’re willing to stay with someone who commits actions like these and doesn’t display actions showing that he’s truly sorry and has learned from the mistakes-well that’s your choice. Please don’t be foolish and expect a different result after committing the same action over and over again. (Forgiving over and over and over..and over)
I’ve heard many stories and even experienced for myself hoping that a situation will change because of how I felt towards a person. You can hear all of the advice that you want, all of the things that you don’t want, but you ultimately must realize for yourself whether you deserve a respectful, trusting, and loving relationship or if you’re going to settle for something less.
He did something that hurt your feelings; you’ve expressed yourself; I don’t know if there’s much more you can do. A relationship can’t consist of solely one person trying, he needs to meet you halfway.

Days4Rayne's avatar

I feel that you should think of what’s right. I honestly think you should leave him before your heart’s broken anymore. This is just a hint of saying that this guy isn’t the “right guy”.

If I were you I would leave him. Because it seems trust is being abused in this matter. If he’s hiding the fact he’s visiting his ex, then he has a guilty conscience about something that may have occurred between them during these meetings.

It’s best to just leave while you can. If he want’s both of you then I’m sure he’s not ready for any commitment to one person which leads to cheating and such. I understand that it’s hard to choose between a “friend”/ex or someone you’re dating but if he say’s both then it’s clear that he either is taking a selfish act of not considering you’re feelings and just want’s to have everything he want’s or he’s conflicted between both you and his ex’s feelings (hence he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings or hers).

It’s all to your judgement. All I have to say is do what you think is right and do what’s best for you.

zevman1's avatar

If i was you i would have been done the first time you have a lot of life to live still yet

Deshi_basara's avatar

I guess to go with the group here I should say something to the effect of “Stab that lying, cheating, no good, rotten, betraying, scum bag until he bleeds out all of his lies”

Seriously y’all, chill out. They’re young and dumb (hell, so am I; but even I can see that y’all are over reacting).

Do you have proof he has done something other than talk to someone you don’t want him to talk to?
You’re mad at him because you forbid him from talking to someone, then you got mad when he did it anyway…. Ever think he isn’t in the wrong here? NONE of you have any proof that anything is going on aside from coffee and chit chat.

I’m not saying one way of the other. I’m just saying think logically here. You made a silly request by trying to control who he’s talking to, and when he didn’t comply everyone immeadiately assumed he was cheating.
Yeah, that’s exactly how it works…

Buttonstc's avatar

People who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

That’s just a simple truth of human behavior.

What people are reacting to is the hiding and dishonesty (when it isn’t necessary if everything is as innocent as he’s trying to portray it.)

If there truly was nothing to hide, he wouldn’t be making all this effort to hide it and lying to her to cover his tracks.

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing. Period.

Deshi_basara's avatar

I hide as much as I can. Not because I have any reason to, I just like my privacy.
You’ll never find my real name on anything but my facebook, which isn’t listed anywhere and is linked to a closed email account. My girlfriend rarely knows exactly where I am, even though I have been completely failthful and am not doing anything shady. I don’t tell people who aren’t involved with what I’m doing anything about it.

I hide everything, even though I have nothing to hide.

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