Are you okay with your partner staying out all night?

Try the same thinking out with the roles reversed and see how you feel about it. Really you’re the only one that can answer what’s Ok for you two.

It seems to me there’s three things. He’s doing something you didn’t want to, you feel he’s keeping you from sleeping, and he’s out later than he said he would be.

Imagine he couldn’t make his own dinner, so he expected you home after work. You wanted to do something else, but he felt neglected. Who should compromise?

Imagine you wanted to go dancing, but he didn’t and stayed home. Would he tell you when to come home? Would you be ok with that?

We have a tendency to look at everything as it relates to us. In relationships, it’s often better to look at it from the other person’s perspective. Be honest with yourself and decide what’s bothering you, then address just that part.

They’re his friends. He’s not seeing them multiple times a week is he? I’d be fine with it. I can understand you don’t like being on your own, but I think to expect him to stop hanging out with his friends once a week because you don’t like to sleep when he isn’t home is unreasonable. What if he had a job that meant he had to travel? You’d have to get used to him not being there.

You’re not married. I don’t believe you have children together. I think you’re being quite controlling by trying to insist he change this behaviour. If he was doing it a number of times a week, you might have cause for concern and complaint, but if it’s a once a week type thing, I’d suggest letting it go. Perhaps go out with your friends or have a girl’s night in with your friends on the night he sees his mates.

He should have let you know beforehand. However, this:

“I can’t sleep when he’s not here.”

is dangerous! Learn how to be alone, for your sake and the relationship’s. It is unreasonable and controlling not to allow your partner an occasional night away.

I would be happy as could be. I’d love to have the house to myself! And I CAN only speak for myself. No one can tell you how to feel. No one can clearly give you advice on your relationship. Talk to your guy about it.

I was going to answer how I would feel about it, but I think @funkdaddy‘s answer by far is best since you can generalise it to other situations. I would add that if you think you would be OK with it if the roles are reversed. you should wonder whether it’s something that would actually happen: e.g. would your boyfriend actually tell you to come home early? If not, it probably indicates that you have different viewpoints on this that aren’t going to be resolved, and you should start to consider if both of you could learn to live with that.

Every week would bother me a lot. It would have been less of a deal when I was younger I guess. Also, less of a deal if we don’t live together.

Mind you, my husband lived in Colombia for almost a year when we were married a few years and he used to travel for some of his jobs quite a bit. It’s not the being alone at night that would be the problem for me.

I am OK with my wife going out with her friends to all hours….I would not be OK with her not sticking to her original stated plans. If she called and said we are going out to eat and do you want something….fine…but if that meant coming home later and later and every week, I would confront her and say we have a slight problem here as I did not sign up for this relationship to be second fiddle to early morning booze fests.

What he is doing with his late night excursions is IMO very disrespectful of his commitment to you.

Not every week. My husband doesn’t have “guy nights” just like I don’t have “girl nights,” mostly because we’re not interested. And the whole being out a lot later than planned thing would not fly with me. But that’s just us – we’d rather be home than go to bars or whatever.

I wonder how your guy would like it if you did the same thing.

I read all the answers and @livelaughlove21 and @Cruiser have the two that are closest to the way I feel.

I was also thinking what @livelaughlove21 was thinking – if you did the same thing, would your guy be ok with that? Once a week, ‘I’m going out and I am not sure when I’ll be home. It may be all night! See ya!”

I think it seems a bit much if he is going out once a week with the guys. That’s just my opinion, maybe I’m old fashioned. That said, I also don’t think it’s something that would be easy to quantify, because it’s got to be something you both agree on. I’m thinking of people I know in committed relationships and I don’t believe any of them are out once a week with their friends for all night partying. Even with their friends for anything, even if not all night.

@chelle21689: “Are you okay with your partner staying out all night?”

I think the only legitimate answer here is another question: Are you okay with your partner staying out all night? Isn’t that all that matters when it comes to a relationship between two people?

But I can provide my emotional response while reading the details of your question. This is just me, so feel free to ignore. My breathing became shallow and I started to feel a little anxious and claustrophobic. This to me is the textbook example of when people start to get that little voice in their head that repeats, “Run! Get out now!” I would never again be part of a relationship like this. I have, and it took me far too long to learn what was wrong.

My wife and I are old and don’t go out with our friends as often as we used to. But when my wife or I do go out without the other, we do so as an individual. What I mean by this is that my wife and I are individuals who choose to be together because we are best friends, love each other, trust each other, and have made a commitment to each other. If I go out with my friends and I say that I may be back late, she doesn’t wait up for me or call me or require a call from me. She trusts that I am an adult human capable of acting like one. And I assume that she is capable of doing the same. A phone call would only be required if there was an emergency.

I have been in – and I have friends who are currently in – co-dependent, unhealthy relationships where one of the partners feels that when a pair bond is formed, it’s only natural that we lose all individuality and become part of one new “person”. My good friend can be away from her husband for 6 hours and get 6 texts asking about whereabouts in that time. She’s not ok with this – and maybe that’s the most important point. If you and your partner are ok with whatever you have going on there, then be ok with that. But you might want to find out if your partner has “Run! Get out now!” running through his head.

If you can’t sleep without him, that does strike me as being rather needy and clingy.

If this was a one time thing where he was out much later than planned, I’d just let it go. If of starts occuring more frequently then it’s time to have a talk about what type of mutual expectations the two of you have for each other.

When I say I can’t sleep when he’s not here as in staying out and worried. He’s been in trips and vacations with them plenty of times and I have no issue sleeping as long as I know he’s ok and know what he’s doing cuz I get worried something happens or he might out himself in danger.

He went out to concerts until 2am-3a and I slept fine. It’s the not knowing when he would be back and the change of plans that keep me up.

Also, it’s not once a week. We see them almost every week along with the girls in the crew so it’s just like hanging out. It just seems like if the girls happen to not wanna be there then they stay out later than usual. Instead of 2am it’s like 3–4am. Not so often to Danae a relationship but when it does happen it’s annoying.

@chelle21689: Only you know what each circumstance is and if you’re ok or not ok with it each time, as each time may be different. If it bothers you, bring it up as a conversation and he should be able to discuss it without being defensive or angry. Your feelings are what they are and he should not tell you they are not logical, as feelings often are not based on logic.

oh I know, if there is an issue that bothers me enough I’ll talk. But the first knee jerk reaction is to talk and vent maybe give it another few hours or a day before talking to him to let me think and settle down to see how I really feel. Now I see things much clearer now.

If you are just worrying he is ok, then just have him call you so you know what to expect and then you won’t have to worry. If he does this all the time I question why you are worried? There is no reason to think something is wrong is there? Or, do you mean you know him to do unsafe things like drink and drive it drink to much or some other dangerous behavior.

I don’t want him to drink and drive or be buzzed and drive but I guess if it’s that bad he would crash there and I trust his friends to not let him drive.

But they are hard drinkers and still a bit childish although fathers and married when guys are together. They like to pressure people to take shots, if someone gets too drunk they like to draw on their faces and post it online. Get rowdy and wrestle.. It’s like of the women weren’t there they hurt themselves, men…lol

To me, a guy going out with guy friends to get shit face drunk once a week seems a tad immature. That’s just my opinion, of course. I guess it also depends on his age – if he’s in college, it’s the norm. If he’s beyond college, then I think it’s time to grow up a bit – then again, just my opinion.

I said it wasn’t once a week. We see the group maybe every week and hang out, but sometimes when women aren’t around it’s like they can get childish like what I listed, thankfully it’s not often but when it happens it’s annoying. My bf doesn’t do it all the time maybe every 2–3 months?? Depending on what it is but once a year get that drunk.
He has been learning to say no to them which can be hard cuz they will but all night.

Most of the age ranges from 23–32…married, single, children… Not saying all are immature but definitely a few.

But is that immaturity a reason to worry? It might be something you’re ashamed off, but from your description it sounds rather harmless and not something you should have to lay awake over at night.

I’m a square, so I don’t have much patience for drinking, so any sort of consistent drinking is something I don’t want to be married to. Once every three months isn’t terrible, but I would expect him never to drive with more than one drink in him, unless many hours had past obviously.

I would say he does a number of things that to me sound like he is quite immature for his age. I think it’s a little bit of a red flag. I don’t feel like he treats you like his primary person. There is always some transition when people are young. For instance, when my husband had his car stolen (the day we got engaged) he first called his sister. Now, I don’t think he would bother to call her at all if something like that happened. We are the unit. We turn to each other with all life sends us good and bad.

One thing my husband always did though was support me against his family when that sort if thing came up. Plus, I always felt I was his primary person for wanting to spend time with.

How in the world can we judge someone to be immature from what they do once a year?

@funkdaddy We can’t. But, we know the OP a long time and have seen quite a few Q’s about her bf.

You lack trust. That is an issue that you two have to work on.

It sounds like this is the first time in 3 years he’s done that? Yes, I think you’re over reacting. They just had such a great time they didn’t want to shut it down.

No, it’s funny because they say es the “old man” in the group even though he’s the youngest because he never goes to clubs with then or bars. When they do, he’s the one finishing up school and saving money, he’s the one that doesn’t get crap faced like them.

I didn’t say he was the immature one, I said some of his friends are.

I ask all kinda of questions on here, anything that comes to my mind. It’s like that with everything and everyone. You’re never going to see the good on here because I only ask questions when I have a curiosity or question but you never see the end result.

@chelle21689 – I may have the wrong person, but doesn’t your boyfriend pay part of the family mortgage and treat his sisters really well? He encourages you in your own career and helps out where he can? You guys are in your mid-twenties?

That doesn’t sound like someone who should be called out as immature.

@chelle21689 It’s a great point that the Q’s are not going to reflect all the good.

@funkdaddy If I remember correctly the bf spends time with his family and the OP is not always invited. I might be confusing jellies.

@JLeslie: Yes, you are correct in re: to the OP’s questions.

@chelle21689: That’s why updates can be good. Maybe an issue you came on here concerned about has rectified itself, but if you don’t tell about it (not that you are obligated to), then to the Collective, the problem has not changed.

So this guy occasionally goes out with his mates and stays out until morning. And the problem with this occasional outing is that his gf doesn’t trust him not to drink or take drugs and drive or that he might suffer some misfortune? However, there’s no indication as to any real risk of this? The rest of the time he’s home and responsible.

I really think the problem is the op’s level of trust and fears of ‘what if’ rather than bad behavior on the part of the bf.

I don’t see why he should be held to a home time on an occasional boy’s night out to appease his gf’s fears. Given the info we have here he’s done nothing to earn this lack of trust.

If he’s immature, his gf policing his behavior isn’t likely to make him grow up. However, it sounds like most of the time he’s home and responsible.

@funkdaddy never said he was immature.

@jleslie, no you are correct. That’s me. But I guess I never updated. I’m invited to everything now.

By the way sometimes I go back to the question but by then everyone’s moved on and not checking it.

@chelle21689: People don’t check in unless there’s something new posted.

Listen you guys…she never said he man was immature. She said some of his friends are.

I was the one who commented that possibly he is immature for his age. I was going on what we know, which the OP correctly pointed out is rather one sided, because of the nature of Fluther.

Oh yeah and we planned to move out next spring lol. One more thing I forgot to mention and update…have our own place. Turned out he is tired of living with the fam, even though we get along great, it’s just our time. We just discussed the specifics too.

I and my boyfriend just have the same problem last night. He told me he will meet some of his work mates after work and will be home about 1–2am. I told him I will wait for him and he said he will send me message while he’s on his way home. But on 1:50am he still did not contact with me at all. So I called him, it seems like they are still in the club. and finally he came home about 3:30am. When we meet, he told me he met his friends not work mates. and he didn’t have time to argue with me. I’m the person who usually fall asleep on 9–10pm. I need to keep awake until that late because he told me he will be back about 1–2am. Most of his friends go out with their wife or girl friend, he go out by himself. I have no problem with that, but I expect he keep the time he said. He said he made a mistake that he shouldn’t let me wait for him. He didn’t think he should be home on time and he think I pissed him off.

Guilty people tend to get pissed off, rather than apologetic. Also, liars change their story.

@zz714 Why would you stay awake? I go out without my girlfriend regularly, and know of plenty others who do. (And plenty who don’t – people differ, after all. Doesn’t make either bad.)

Um, @Vincentt…the OP is his girlfriend.

@Dutchess_III ?

Oh, sorry! I thought you said you go out with your girlfriend regularly. Missed the “without” part.