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The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

How would you deal with the situation if you became less attraced physically to your partner?

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17 Answers

justwannaknow's avatar

Do you still love your partner? If not only one answer! If you do then find out why you are no longer attracted and work on it. BOTH of you may have to work on it.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

I’d need to figure out if the reason why I’m less physically attracted to them is something that can be fixed, upon discussion

Darwin's avatar

If I still love them, then I would give myself a good kick in the rear and try to figure out why and how to fix it. It might involve discussing it with my partner, or it might involve adjusting my own attitude.

knitfroggy's avatar

My husband and I have both physically changed since we’ve been married. I had two kids and we both gained some weight from that. I think after you love someone you don’t care what they look like. As you get older you change and maybe you don’t notice as much. Or maybe you’re just stuck and don’t care! LOL

DrasticDreamer's avatar

Before making any kind of decision about where to take the relationship, like Simone De Beauvoir said, I would first need to figure out why my attraction levels for my partner were dropping. It could very well be something internal and have nothing to do with how attractive they actually are. Maybe it’s because we’re arguing and thus we’re becoming detached emotionally. Maybe it’s because their diet changed and they’re putting on a lot of weight and becoming unhealthy. No matter what, talking to them would be key. Once I established why I felt the way I did, I would decide how to take it from there. It could very well be something that can be fixed.

augustlan's avatar

I agree with what everyone has said. The why of it is very important. Oftentimes, resentment can cause a situation like this, regardless of the person’s actual appearance. No matter the reason, it probably indicates a deeper issue and that is what needs to be addressed.

NaturalMineralWater's avatar

To me that’s just life. It happens. You just have to decide if your after his/her heart or his/her body. If you really love them, you’re after their heart.

Jeruba's avatar

I just have to ask this. What if your partner made a deliberate physical change that you just didn’t like? For example, grew or shaved a beard, grew hair long or cut it short or changed hair color, gained or lost significant weight, had cosmetic surgery?

I know most of us married and especially long-married folks cope with many physical changes over time, and that is just natural, even if they are drastic and possibly caused by a debilitating illness. But what if, say, you fell in love with a blonde and didn’t like it when her hair grew out brown (and she said she was never going to color it again)? or you never saw him without a beard, and now that he’s shaved it he looks like a stranger (who doesn’t appeal to you)? Suppose they change enough to be someone we’d never have been attracted to in the first place? This can be a real challenge.

I think we are more bound to our partner’s appearance than we may realize and may find it hard to admit that a significant change turns us off. That happened to one young couple I knew: after ten years of marriage, she lost a huge amount of weight and became a stunning beauty, and they divorced within a year. If something that really turned us on is gone forever, is it our fault if we lose desire?

hungryhungryhortence's avatar

I have experience with this. For me it was the emotional change in the relationships that affected and then altered the physical. You can say a cruel thing just one too many times and suddenly the other person will believe that thing on top of feeling the hurt of just having to listen to it said from you and they will start to see you with new eyes and decide they dislike you more than they respect you. In my situations I walked away after wasted years of trying regain the feeling. If ever again in my life, I’ll walk away a lot faster, I’ll run.

basp's avatar

I think a lot depends on what stage of the relationship one is in. When I first met my husband, physical attraction was important to both of us to a degree….much like anyone else. But, over the years, our feelings for each other are based on so much more than physical attributes. Our shared experiences over thirty years enhance and nurture our bond which was intitially sparked by being physically attracted to each other.

fedupwitcaddys's avatar

id let him/her know. and if theres something he/she needs to change about themself, I’d ask them to do that too. but if they dont wanna help the situation i can do 1 or 2 things. i cant start cheating on that person finding the physical attraction elsewhere or i can leave them alone. sorry its a cruel world.Im just giving it in the RAW. and i know someone might think thats wrong, but Im pretty damn sure Im not the only one that feels that way…......i just got the guts to say it.

Jeruba's avatar

It doesn’t take any guts to say it on fluther. Do you have the guts to say it to your partner? How about to your teenage daughter?

charliecompany34's avatar

seems we become less attracted to our mates as they age or gain weight. what we met years ago just ain’t the same these days.

to answer the question, you have to go way back to when you first me him or her. dont take this the wrong way, but like we seek perfect pups based on the parents in a certain breed, the same goes for choosing a mate.

if the mom is still slim and looking good, so will be the S.O. if the dad is trim and still darling in his old age, so will be your S.O.

the gene chips fall where they may, but check out the heritage while dating.

how to deal with it? “love the one you’re with.”


“you cant always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.”

cak's avatar

I can’t image feeling this way. I really just can’t.

My husband watched me go from the picture of perfect health, and looking like that, as well – to a very sick, bald woman. I went from an active runner, with a very fit body, to a pale (sickly pale) woman, that was very underweight. When my hair fell out, I was sure I would disgust him. Instead, I was told how beautiful I was. I was also told that I was the same person he fell in love with, just with less hair.

There was a point where I think I became more of a patient to him, than a wife. Never, though, did I feel that he stopped loving me. There was a point where it seemed like our intimate side wasn’t as strong, but then again, cancer doesn’t leave one feeling great. However, it was very temporary.

If this happened to me, where I started to lose interest, I would have to do what @Simone_De_Beauvoir said. I would need to examine the reason. I hope, though, I would never be in that position…especially considering what we’ve gone through….for several years.

3or4monsters's avatar

Unless his mind or personality begins to fade… since that is what triggers attraction for me in the first place. Physical attraction is born afterward, from associating their specific look with the amazing mind within.

I think, then, it would be just like any other breakup if I began to find them physically unattractive (secondary), because it would mean I’ve already dismissed their mind and personality (primary) as a poor match.

The_Compassionate_Heretic's avatar

@charliecompany34 Way to work the Rolling Stones in there. Great song.

Darwin's avatar

@3or4monsters; Unfortunately, if you stay with anyone for a long time you may run across the situation where their mind and/or personality begin to fade, in addition to their physical attraction fading or changing. However, that doesn’t always equal a break up.

A case in point: my mother is now suffering from Parkinson’s dementia. However, because of their years together, and their past attraction, my father still loves the person she is now because of the person she was. Of course, there is also that silly mutual promise about “in sickness and in health.”

In my case I am facing the same thing, although earlier in my marriage. My parents are in their 80s and have been married 59 years. My husband and I have only been married 20 years but his disabilities are overcoming his personality. However, I still love him, although sex is no longer involved, and I will stay with him until one of us dies.

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