General Question

Nicknack's avatar

Fiancé wants me to change my hair colour and cut it!

Asked by Nicknack (125 points ) January 10th, 2013

My fiancé has told me that he is extremely jelous and hates guys looking at me. I have long blond hair (coloured) which he thinks is attractive and gains too much attention. Therefore, he asked me to
Cut it and return it to it’s natural colour.
He also gets upset if I wear make up or have nail varnish.
Banned me from wearing a bikini which I have agreed not to wear but I feel the hair thing is too much, he also refuses to set the date for our marriage until I colour my hair. Shall I listen to him or take a stand on this?

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77 Answers

FutureMemory's avatar

Take a stand now, before it’s too late.

If you think he’s controlling now, wait til you’re married.

glacial's avatar

Sounds like neither of you is mature enough to consider getting married.

DigitalBlue's avatar

Put your foot down, immediately. He is allowed to have opinions, but giving ultimatums and dictating how you present yourself? Absolutely not, that is unacceptable. Every time you bend on something like this, you are reinforcing bad behavior that will get worse.

sferik's avatar

How do you think he’d react if you asked him to dye his hair? Why not try it and see? Tell him you’re really attracted to guys with pink mohawks.

If he thinks he can make this demand of you, you should be able to demand the same of him. Fair is fair.

ZEPHYRA's avatar

When you get married he will probably make you wear a Burka! Do you want to be imprisoned?

zensky's avatar

Fiancé?

You haven’t bitten the bullet yet then.

Walk away. Slowly. Don’t look back.

If he sees this and says you can’t Fluther anymore – then you know I am right. Jealousy is very, very scary and like herpes does not go away. Sometimes you see it sometimes you don’t. But it’s there. Cue sound from Scream

harple's avatar

I’ve been here, in this exact situation. You need to get out. If you can, get out before he reads all these, otherwise he’ll convince you that it isn’t what you want just what a bunch of strangers on the net have put in your head. He’ll use it as a reason to monitor your computer and internet use from now on and his hold on you will have tightened.

I bet your friends and family don’t have any idea of what your life is like, but I also bet one or two will be noticing changes in you and worrying.

When we eventually split up, thankfully before marriage, we were living together and I was working for him in his business, and the date had been set for the wedding. I genuinely could see no way out.

The day it ended I fled to my parents and never looked back. They were so relieved, but they had no idea quite how bad it was and I’ve never told them the full extent of it. To be honest I felt ashamed that I’d allowed it all to happen, but that’s the clever way these controlling sorts work.

A couple of days after we split, I took myself somewhere peaceful with a notepad and pen, and I wrote down all the things he had tried and succeeded in controlling in my life, from clothes to being able to talk to friends to making promises beyond the grave… I pretty much filled the notepad, and I also completed any grieving for the lost relationship. I never looked back from that moment on.

The best thing it did for me was teach me all the warning signs of this behaviour, and made me very aware of what I do and don’t find acceptable in a relationship. I have met some beautiful people since, and am now in the most balanced and caring and gentle relationship – it’s incredible.

Good luck. You can get yourself free of this, and your life will be better because of it. His behaviour is unacceptable. No two ways about it. Don’t accept it.

Shippy's avatar

Become Amish?

chyna's avatar

Run! Now! He is controlling and manipulative. It will only get worse each time you agree to go along with his wishes (demands really). By the time you marry him, he will feel like he owns you and will keep you in the house away from family and friends.
Please get away from this man.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Are you living with him now? Is he paying all your expenses so you have no other way out? If not, then get out now. This situation will never get better. You probably have already made changes under his control but did not notice them. His jealously will consume you like the mythical frog in a frying pan that does not notice the temperature slowly rising until it dies.
Get out.
Be careful about telling him where you are getting your advice. He will try to take it away.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

This kind of thing is unacceptable. You are in danger of living with a control freak for the rest of your life. I wouldn’t just take a stand, I’d ditch him and run – unless he’s living with you in which case I’d punt him out the door and tell his sorry ass to do some running. It’s okay for a little jealousy in our lives, otherwise we wouldn’t probably be normal, but too much jealousy is something that has driven many to do far worse things than make demands on someone else’s appearance. And seriously, it doesn’t matter if he’s paying the expenses or not. Value your mental health and well-being before you start valuing someone who foots the bills but tells you how to go about daily life!

zenvelo's avatar

No real man would try to control someone like he is trying to control you. It sounds like he is already successful if he was able to ban you from wearing a bikini.

Get out now.

Break the engagement. And completely stop seeing him.

Tell him this is not something where he can “change” and it will be alright. He is not capable of being in a loving relationship. He might say he loves you, but he doesn’t; he’s demonstrated he does not know what love is.

Seek's avatar

Run. Do not look back.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Run. This guy is beyond scary. He has abuser written all over him.

burntbonez's avatar

A man like that is extremely insecure. Nothing you can do will ever be enough. He will always be imagining you are doing things you aren’t doing. You will not be able to prove to him that you are loyal. He will not even be happy if he watches you all the time, or puts a leash on you, or monitors your location on your cellphone, or gets a video feed from you all the time. You won’t be able to please him. Is that a challenge you want to take on?

marinelife's avatar

Break up with him now. He is too controlling by far. He is showing the classic early signs of an abuser.

JLeslie's avatar

Run far far away. He is a possessive, controlling, will only get worse man. My husband asks me to change my hair color sometimes or points out a hairstyle he likes, even once brought home the name of a fragrance that “Claudia in his office wears” because he really liked it and wanted me to buy it. But, that is all because he wants me to look good. He doesn’t nag at me or tell me constantly to change, it is now and then when he comes across something, an old picture of me with a different hairstyle, or something new to do. This is completely different than what your fiance is doing. I only tell you what my husband does to try and show you the difference, that you don’t confuse other people’s boyfriends and husbands asking their wife to wear the color blue because it brings out their eye color with what your fiance is doing.

Seriously, get away from him. Do your parents like him just out of curiousity? Your friends? If you really think about it are their other signs of problems? Bad temper? Any violence at all? Needs to know where you are all the time? Doesn’t want you hanging around certain people? Even trying to distance you from your family? Did he propose very quickly after you started dating? All can be bad signs.

This is not about taking a stand. Although, taking a stand might finally convince you to break it off. My guess is he will be pretty angry when you do. Have someone who knows you are going to take a stand waiting for a call, so they know if he has done something horrible. If you don’t call by a certain time they are to come over and check and you. I am serious. If your conversation leads to a bad fight or you talking about breaking it off, he might freak out. I think you probably have many reasons to break it off without a taking the stand talk. I have a feeling when you break up the people around you will be happy. You won’t have to explain much.

jca's avatar

Control freak and jealous to the point where it’s making him request things that no other guy requests. I agree with the rest. Don’t worry about having to explain to people that the marriage is off.

If you get married to him, you’ll be looking back in 20 years asking yourself why did you throw away your youth and your beauty for some nut.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Nicknack I should go further. There are some major red flags that mark an abusive partner. You’re in the early stages of your relationship, I’m assuming. But this guy is showing a ton of red flags. Controlling behavior, jealousy, overly possessiveness are all classics. I’m guessing he also wants to know where you are all the time, who you’re with, and he checks your cell phone constantly. Plus he also restricts your time with your family And he belittles you and your ideas, and everything is always your fault.. Anything come close?

AshLeigh's avatar

You need to get out of this relationship.

codette's avatar

I am so glad you posted your question.

I agree with everyone else. Even in your question you seem to recognize that his behavior is not right. You are correct—in fact, everything you listed that he’s asked of you is bad news! His behavior is not just quirky, it’s unacceptable and dangerous.

It is time to take a mental step back and look hard at what he asks of you and why. You need to realize in your own heart that you are in a dangerous situation and you should start the process of removing yourself. Even if you love him, that does not mean you should be with him. I think he can only hurt you, mentally, emotionally, and perhaps even physically. He is demonstrating some alarming red flags already. Don’t commit your life to this downward spiral.

Accepting, supportive relationships in which a man loves his wife, wants her to be beautiful, strong, admired by others, and confident, happen all the time. You deserve such a relationship! Your fiance is trying to change you into something you’re not—he wants you to be his possession, hidden away from others. He does not love you for who you are or even approve of who you are. You need a partner in life, not an owner who restricts you so much.

I really hope all our responses help give you the strength and motivation to get out of this marriage.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Don’t take a stand…get rid of him. Completely!

wundayatta's avatar

Seems like the response is pretty universal. I’m wondering if there is any reason you can not separate from him? Are you trapped in some way? Do you believe you love him, and that there is a reason for this? Perhaps that his insecurity is a small price to pay for being with him? Giving up bikinis is not a big deal? Maybe you think you don’t want to wear them, anyway?

What is it that kept you in this relationship so far, despite all his demands? Do you feel that no one else would have you?

Is he taking away or trying to take away things that are you? Important to you? Do you feel that maybe you do flirt with others? Do you make him jealous? Do you think it is reasonable for him to ask you not to make him jealous?

Do you understand that the jealousy is his, not something you do? It’s all in his head. His interpretation. It is not something you are doing, unless, of course, you are flirting with other guys in front of him. But even that would not be a good excuse for changing how you dress yourself. He would need to talk to you about your behavior. So this is something in his head, and he is projecting it onto you, and that is not good. That does not bode well for the future of your relationship.

jca's avatar

@wundayatta: I am wondering if the OP (who seems to be young) is living in an environment or culture where it’s considered a wonderful thing for a young woman to be engaged, and have a ring, etc. I did not grow up like that, but have seen friends and their family members who bragged about their rings and it was something the women in their families all admired. I am just taking a guess but if the OP is “stuck” in this type of relationship, that’s a possibility.

wundayatta's avatar

@jca That’s why I asked the question. I get a similar feeling about the OP.

The point is, if she feels trapped, then it isn’t just a simple matter of walking away. It will be more difficult to figure out how she can do that. For example, if this is an arranged marriage, it could be a very big problem to say no to it. But we can’t help with that issue if we don’t know about it.

JLeslie's avatar

Well, if she was able to wear a bikini before the fiance, then she is not in a country that is strict about skin showing. But, she may indeed be a part if a subculture within a country that is controlling of women, and marriages might be arranged and there might be expectations of girls to get married by a certain age.

jca's avatar

@wundayatta and @JLeslie: I wasn’t even thinking of a country where they control women. I was thinking of some cultures right here in the US, where (I’ve seen) the women all proudly clucking over the girl’s ring, and excitedly talking about the wedding like it’s a badge of honor. I think it’s especially harder if the bride and groom’s friends and family are all close – it’s hard to just break that up. I’m not encouraging them to stay together, and I’m not saying she should not break up, but there are more factors then “just walk away” (which was my advice to her, so I’m just as guilty as everyone else).

If she’s young, gullible and impressionable, she may not be strong enough to leave.

Coloma's avatar

The guy is dangerously controlling and jealous, bad, very BAD….read BAD!
You’d be a fool to marry this guy, it will only get worse once he thinks he “owns” you after marriage,and this is exactly what will happen.
Jealous+ controlling = ABUSE!

Dutchess_III's avatar

Very good point @wundayatta. If you’re still reading, @Nicknack, be very aware that his demand and jealousies are fabricated out of his own sick mind and he takes some sort of perverse enjoyment out of dominating you. Even if you did every single thing he asked, he would still come up with more stuff, even to the point of insanity. He’ll become convinced you’re seeing other men, even if you aren’t and even if there isn’t a shred of evidence to suggest it. He’ll make stuff up out of thin air.

JLeslie's avatar

@jca The OP doesn’t write in American English, so most likely she doesn’t live in the US nor Latin America.

harple's avatar

I know that when I was in this situation I could see no way out. I knew it was bad, I knew it was unacceptable, I knew that I didn’t deserve the accusations or the treatment. But I still felt there was no way out.

The crazy thing was that it was actually incredibly easy, with family so relieved that they gladly helped me get out and get back on my feet. I wish someone could have shown me how easy it would be, but whilst in the situation I just couldn’t believe it.

diavolobella's avatar

I echo what others have said. Get out now, before it’s too late. Someone who is this controlling before you are married will become even more suffocating and demanding once you are and they feel you “belong” to them legally. No one has a right to tell you how to look and demanding that you change your appearance because of their insecurity will send you sliding down a slippery slope which is never ending. Imagine what a controlling nightmare this person will be for your children one day. Also, ask yourself, would you want your own daughter to marry someone who treats her like that?

Get. Out. Now.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Is she still listening? :(

diavolobella's avatar

Man, I hope so

zensky's avatar

I hope he didn’t kill her or something…

diavolobella's avatar

I hope if he read or is reading this that he gets help

FutureMemory's avatar

It was probably too much reality for her to handle. If you re-read her question, she never once indicates that she’s considering leaving him. She probably didn’t want to hear that.

Dutchess_III's avatar

It is frustrating.

FutureMemory's avatar

Seriously, I can’t even imagine contemplating telling my girl that she can’t wear certain clothes, or wear her hair (!) in the style and color she prefers. Dude is a throwback to the 1950’s or something. Scary.

Dutchess_III's avatar

That’s because you respect her, @FutureMemory. Poor girl doesn’t have a clue what that is.

diavolobella's avatar

she should tell him that her requirement is that he go to counseling

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@diavolobella I don’t disagree with you but guys like that think they’re perfectly fine and the rest of the world is wacked. I wouldn’t mind being proven wrong though. This one is bad.

diavolobella's avatar

@Nicknack Another thing to consider (hard) is that if he feels you must change yourself to be less attractive to others, that means he doesn’t trust you. After all, every man in the world could be lusting after you, but that means nothing as long as you aren’t interesting in responding to any of them. Nothing can happen unless YOU want it to. Therefore, he doesn’t trust you. Why would you marry anyone who has no trust or faith in you?

@Adirondackwannabe You’re right, but I still hope he gets help

JLeslie's avatar

Here is another thing, I know I am making assumptions here, but men like that tend to be cheaters and liars. He doesn’t trust you because he is not trust worthy himself, he doesn’t trust men, because he himself is a man who lusts after women and has sex with them.

Coloma's avatar

We’ve led the horse to water, our job is done.

hearkat's avatar

@Nicknack – I’m late, but I agree that his request is controlling and is a clear sign of insecurity. I lived with a very jealous man for several years, and he would always make ridiculous accusations, asking who I was trying to look cute for, and why did I want to lose weight? As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I was very insecure myself, and imprisoned by the victim’s mindset.

Eventually, I realized that there was no way I could ever prove my love to a man that did not feel lovable. I also realized that it was his issue and there was no reason that I should feel like I was always on trial when I had done nothing wrong. I stopped taking his accusations personally, and wouldn’t take the bait that inevitably led to arguments. I tried to reason with him, and I tried to get us help, but he never put any effort into it. Finally, I got to the point where I’d had enough, and I let him go.

It is clear that you have invested a lot in your relationship, and I appreciate that it is not easy to just walk away. If you still feel motivated to try to make it work with him, then I suggest that you go for counseling and try to get him to join you for couples therapy.

Regardless of which path you choose, know that true love is unconditional and is respectful and is trusting. Also know that you are deserving of true, unconditional love and respect – from yourself and from others. I wish you well.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@JLeslie Excellent point….he doesn’t trust because he can’t be trusted. The things that people scream about the most are the things they themselves are guilty of.

jca's avatar

It would be nice if the OP came back to this thread and discussed what her opinion of the advice is.

zensky's avatar

@jca They rarely do. Her body is hidden somewhere to be discovered in 15 years by fisherman.

Sunny2's avatar

He wants you to cut ant color your hair because he doesn’t want men to look at you. Next, he’ll be thinking some particular man or men are looking at you. So you should not go out and let them see you. But they might try to look in the window at you, so you must sty in a room with the windows covered. I’m making this up, but from situations I’ve read about, this kind of fantasizing can lead to imprisonment. No one has a right to require you to change yourself because of imagined fears. No one. Please take to heart the above responses that suggest you move away from this relationship.

harple's avatar

@Sunny2 Is absolutely right – my ex wouldn’t let me get dressed in a room if the light would cast my shadow against the window blind.

FutureMemory's avatar

@harple He didn’t want to take the chance of someone glimpsing your window blind silhouette for a few seconds?

harple's avatar

@FutureMemory exactly! I knew it was ridiculous, but at the same time it was easier not to get into the situation and so avoid the issue. I can’t believe I stayed with him as long as I did.

lightsourcetrickster's avatar

@zensky fishermen, or deep sea divers.

Dutchess_III's avatar

I think she should stay with him, but stay in the house at all times in turtleneck jammies and a stained, ugly bathrobe. Have dinner ready for him the instant he walks in the door…even if he comes home at different times every night (probably because he’s seeing other women.)

Nicknack's avatar

Thank you ALL!
I didn’t think I would get so many responses and such helpful advice. 
Yes, he wants to know where I am 24/7
He seems to know without even asking me and uses Face time to make sure I am where I say I am.
I recently moved to a new country and he does n’t let me make new friends or even join a gym or take language classes.
Most of the comments you’ve all made are correct, he’s even kept me away from friends and family.
Last night he said jokingly that if I don’t change my hair to the way he wants, he’ll cut it all off while I’m sleeping… I didn’t find it amusing.

He honestly wasn’t like this when I met him, he’s changed. 
He gets angry at me for no reason, but has never hit me. The worst is when I kissed his brother for new year on the cheek, he went crazy and told me never to kiss any man again unless it’s my father or brother.
He doesn’t even like it when I spend time with female friends, even his sister.
Thank you so much… I hope I can find a way to get out if this peacefully .

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Oh god, I’m wishing you so so so much luck. He has abuser written all over him. Be careful and think it through carefully. If he has a chance he’ll probably get physical when you try to leave.

jca's avatar

@Nicknack: If you tell your family, will they help you? Help you get away from him, support you, keep you safe from him?

Nicknack's avatar

My family are all back in England, I don’t have anyone here besides him and his family.

Nicknack's avatar

Thank you so much, I was ashamed to let my family know about my situation but maybe it’s time

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@Nicknack That’s one of the things he’s counting on. Do you have a passport and some cash?

Nicknack's avatar

Yes, I have my passport with me but he gets a text message from the bank sent to him whenever I use my credit card, even though it’s my money

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Maybe use the credit card at the last minute to get the plane ticket? You could go back to your family for a while and then contact him to see if the relationship is salvageable at all. What country are you in now if you feel safe in revealing that?

Nicknack's avatar

I have to as he is on his way home. Thank you All so, so much.
Your answers have helped me make the decision of leaving him.
It’s much worse than what you think and am glad I’ve been able to share

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Good luck and my prayers are with you Nicknack.

Nicknack's avatar

Thank you adirondackwannabe

harple's avatar

We’re here for you @Nicknack – stay strong.

AshLeigh's avatar

Best of wishes to you.

wundayatta's avatar

Please let us know when you are safely away. Good luck!

zensky's avatar

Keep us updated. We care.

diavolobella's avatar

@Nicknack One last thing. If you need help getting out of the country, please go to your home country’s consulate. If there is one there, reach out to them and your family. Good luck!

chyna's avatar

@Nicknack You said he wasn’t like that when you first met him, that he had changed. I’m betting that he was like that, but kept it hidden from you so he could win you over. Once he got you out of your family’s reach, he showed you exactly who he is, a mean, manipulative bully.
Reach out to your family for their help. You may be surprised at how much they will do for you. Good luck and let us know how it goes. {{{Hugs}}}.

JLeslie's avatar

Consider leaving him in secret. Tell your family and plan an escape out of the country behind his back.

LuckyGuy's avatar

Is this the first thread where everyone actually agreed?

If he is as controlling as it seems, he might have a keylogger on her computer and is getting updates.
I hope she is ok

codette's avatar

Can’t wait to hear that you got out safely! We’ll be standing by!

Dutchess_III's avatar

@chyna Exactly. If abusers acted like abusers on the first date, they’d never, ever have a second date.
We are listening, and waiting…...and praying for you.

drouleau4885's avatar

If he is that controlling…KICK HIM TO THE CURVE… You will never be happy. He will always find something. If you give in to one thing it will lead to another. Like your bikini for instance. Now it’s your hair. GET A BACK BONE be yourself. NOT what HE wants…I just started dating a man who made the comment…What his baby wants…his baby gets…That’s the way it should be…

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