Social Question

doodleblue2's avatar

What should I do if I can’t lose my bad feelings towards my brother and his adult kids for not attending my son’s wedding, now that it has already happened? Their excuses were lame; basically it was inconvenient (out of state). Tell them how I feel or not?

Asked by doodleblue2 (14points) September 10th, 2019

Usually I don’t say anything when people hurt or annoy me. This has always been a cause of ridicule from my sister-in-law who thinks our family was messed up because we didn’t bluntly say everything on our minds no matter the consequences, (like her family, which usually results in a lot of screaming). But this has hit me hard (as well as my son) so it seems like the perfect time to see if they mean what they say. Also, I worry that if I try ignoring my feelings there’s a chance it will only last so long and some day we’ll end up in a dramatic scene at the wrong time/place.

My niece’s husband complained about a million things, including the cost of flying on a holiday weekend. That could be legit if he weren’t LOADED (no exaggeration). My niece said she couldn’t go because she’s pregnant and couldn’t fly…also legit IF they hadn’t flown to a friend’s wedding and to a vacation on weekends shortly before and after.

The thing is, these people are always talking about how important family is…anything for family…

Has anyone had a similar situation or have advice?


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12 Answers

nerdgirl578's avatar

How close are you? If you’re close they would want to go to the wedding, even if it’s a bit inconvienient I think. In my family we’ve had all sorts of issues like this, people not going to someones 60th birthday party and what not, but that’s because they don’t really like each other or talk much…

kritiper's avatar

Cease all contact. There’s no use in beating a dead horse.

doodleblue2's avatar

I thought we were fairly close. My brother and I used to live in the same town until he left a couple years ago to be near his daughter and grandkids. In fact, I moved to the small college town because he was here. We’ve always gotten along well and have gotten together on birthdays, Thanksgiving, etc. It’s true that his wife and I are very different and so my brother and I didn’t see each other as much as one might think, living in the same town.

doodleblue2's avatar

From the responses, I’ve confirmed that my family’s behavior is not “normal” (nergirl578’s answer). And my decision to absolutely not attend Thanksgiving or anything else (kritiper) is not out of line. Of course this means I’ll have to tell them what I think. But I guess considering their lack of concern, why should I care?

Thanks for the answers.

chyna's avatar

If you end up telling your brother your thoughts and feelings, I guarantee that will be the end of your relationship with him. Are you ready for that? If you are, then tell him, but don’t be a jerk about it. Say something like “when you all didn’t come to my sons wedding, I felt hurt by that.” No cussing, yelling or accusations.
Good luck. Obviously you are hurting and I am sorry this has happened. Losing family this way isn’t easy.

JLeslie's avatar

I know this will sound like I’m not being supportive of your feelings, but I think don’t let this bother you if you can. These sorts of things ruin families because the person who is offended or hurt has a strict idea of how people should act and behave.

One day you won’t go to a wedding, forget to send a thank, forget to send a gift, not invite someone you should have invited, for whatever reason, and you will want to be forgiven.

Holding onto these “shoulds” of how people should act will only eat you up inside, and cause you to be angry.

No one is perfect, and once you are more forgiving of other people’s imperfection you can also be easier on yourself.

It’s after the fact now, if you say something can they remedy it in any for you? You are living up to what they accuse you of, saying nothing when something bothers, because you said nothing when something could have been changed. Not that I necessarily think you should have said something, I’m more of the mind to not be upset they didn’t come, but you are. I guess you could have said to your brother you will miss not having them there when he RSVP’d he and his children weren’t coming.

If you say nothing, but your actions show them you are upset about something, that’s passive aggressive. It sounds like their family is more aggressive aggressive. They put everything out there, even fighting with screaming voices. Aggressive aggressive people don’t do well with passive aggressive people. Their passiveness, which often is like a silent treatment that seethes, often feels abusive, controlling, and a withholding of love. I don’t know if you do any of that, but if you do, to them that silence is the same as what their screaming is like to you. Again, I’m not assuming you are like this, feel free to correct anything I’ve said here.

Sounds like they had a lot of commitments around the same time and made their choices. Money might have been a factor since it was a holiday weekend, that sounds right to me, plus I assume everyone works so they are juggling that too. The pregnant girl maybe didn’t feel up to doing both parties and she made her choice.

None of my husband’s relatives came to our wedding who were invited. His brother and sister and parents yes, but nobody else. His mom was really bothered by it. She had actually hand carried the invitations to her sisters who lived near her, and some of her nieces and nephews (my husband’s cousins) they live in Mexico and it was in Florida, but most of them also have a lot of money and a lot of freedom with their time, and we lived in a destination vacation place.

My dad’s sister didn’t come, and he offered to pay for her flight and hotel. She doesn’t go anywhere really, I think she has become phobic about travel. My dad is still upset about it. I am not upset about any of it. They didn’t come for whatever reason, but I don’t let this one moment in time control my feelings about them. There are so many other interactions that make up my relationship with them.

Maybe a time will come up where you can mention you missed not having them there, but I recommend not delivering it with guilt. There is a good possibility no matter how you say it they might feel it is a guilt trip. Depends on if that’s a typical dynamic in your family. Letting him know might mean next time there is an event he tries harder to be there if he knows how much it means to you. I don’t know you both well enough to know if that’s good advice or not, it’s just an idea I’m throwing out there.

KNOWITALL's avatar

Didnt you say she hit you and your child once? Why would you even want them there? Get your nice gift and let it go with gratitude, they sound horrible.

jca2's avatar

I feel that if people really want to do something, they make it happen.

If they really wanted to come to the wedding, they would have found the time and the money and made the effort, despite the fact that it was a holiday weekend. Apparently they had other plans that weekend.

The pregnant daughter, I feel, is a legit reason for her, even if she made other trips by plane, they were more important to her and maybe she didn’t want to do too many in a short period of time.

I agree with @JLeslie that the time to mention it, if at all, would have been right away when they RSVP’d. I would have said “I’m so sorry you are not coming! I was looking forward to seeing you all,” blah blah blah. If you really must, because you can’t get over it, then you must. I think maybe the fact that you and the wife don’t get along well might have something to do with it.

It’s sad that this is how rifts happen in families. Someone doesn’t do something, someone else is hurt, and stops doing things together, and then it grows farther and farther apart. My family, too. No different.

Inspired_2write's avatar

Let it ride and let it go, its not worth the pain and aggravation to let things fester.
They were invited and they had a choice to refuse so don’t hold it against them.

stanleybmanly's avatar

Chalk it up for what it is and keep in mind what you can expect from them in the future. If they are truly this disagreeable, they have provided you the perfect excuse to duck all future entanglements not to your liking. Take comfort in the fact that you’ve been relieved of future obnoxious obligation.

janbb's avatar

@KNOWITALL You misread. She said it hit them hard.- not they were hit by them.

KNOWITALL's avatar

@janbb Yep, re-read later after all the answers, thanks.

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