General Question

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Is it wrong for me to try to tell my boyfriend who to to be friends with?

Asked by Lothloriengaladriel (1550points) May 17th, 2009

Its one of his friends, Who is female, Who he has slept with recently but not while we were together, Although he did lie about ever sleeping with her and when I accused him of it, Got horribly upset, Though he did admit recently that he had slept with her. I’ve expressed great concern and I’ve let him know I’m very uncomfortable with this relationship. He’s probably known her around 6 months and I can’t understand why its so hard for him to let the relationship go. She lives in the same building as him and feels she can come knocking on his door when she feels like it. My biggest problem is there is no compromise, He will not let her go, Is this wrong?

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55 Answers

DarkScribe's avatar

I am friendly with almost all of my exes, and I would find it surprising if my wife objected. She doesn’t so it isn’t an issue. No, you don’t have a right to demand, but if it is causing you genuine distress you could certainly ask.

jackfright's avatar

Yes, you’re the reason some men are afraid of marriage.

TROLL's avatar

I dont get your angle here,if you do not trust this Guy then it’s over before it starts and if he has already lied to you then why are you still with him.

TROLL's avatar

I just looked at your questions on weed and judging by your comments in those threads i would be very careful as you seem suseptible to acute mental problems so all this could well be magnified by your obvious mental problems.

bythebay's avatar

1. You didn’t mention how long you’ve been dating, but do say he slept with her recently (although not while you’ve been together)

2. He not only lied about sleeping with her, he reacted with great offense. There are multiple issues here.

3. Once he admitted the sex; you expressed your great concern and yet he refuses to acknowledge your concerns. Not only will he not oblige your desire that he not see her, she won’t either.

4. She may knock on his door at will, only he can let her in.

5. You said he’s known her 6 mos., which means you haven’t been dating that long, ie: no long tern commitment here.

6. He’s an inconsiderate, manipulative, liar. What’s the question, again? Truly, this has nothing to do with choosing his friends and everything to do with his character.

mammal's avatar

i’d like to say don’t worry, but i suspect you’ll torment yourself for years over these kinds of issues, people frequently worry their life away, squander all their mental energy on meaningless concerns, if you really loved him, you’d want him to be happy and for him to find out what makes him happy, whether you were involved or not, but people don’t really love each other do they? they append strict conditions and criteria upon their love, until it isn’t recognisable as love.

bythebay's avatar

@mammal: Drama much? She’s not addressing his desire to find happiness, nor does it sound as though he’s considering hers.

dynamicduo's avatar

Usually I would say it is inappropriate for a person to dictate who their partner is friends with. But in your case, the person is essentially an ex or a friends with benefits situation, and I believe you are completely justified in not wanting this person around.

The issue here is that you are uncomfortable with some behaviour and he listens but does not want to change his actions such that you are not uncomfortable. This shows that he values his comfort and ability to have a backup fuck over your comfort level. An unwillingness to give compromise is NOT a quality that makes for a good relationship at all.

I really have to agree with @bythebay here – this guy is no good for a long term mate. I wouldn’t trust him with a sock.

elijah's avatar

You do not have the right to tell him who to be friends with. You do, however, have the right to break up with him based on the fact he lied to you, he doesn’t respect your feelings, and he is the one choosing to have people in his life that make you uncomfortable.
The bigger problem is why do you feel so threatened by this girl? Does she know he has a girlfriend? Is he affectionate in front of her with you? Do you get a gut feeling that something just isn’t right? Some girls really get off on chasing after taken men. He controls the situation though, he let’s her in, he wants to hang out with her.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

If he lied to you, that is your sign. With her living in the same building, given his actions, I would be suspicious.

Response moderated
elijah's avatar

@TROLL Uh….ok. Where’s your photo?

DarkScribe's avatar

@TROLL Who is Chucky?

elijah's avatar

@DarkScribe I know you weren’t asking me but Chucky is a doll from a horror movie.

Response moderated
elijah's avatar

FYI @TROLL Telling a girl she looks like Chucky will never be taken “in a nice way”. It’s ok though, I’m not too worried about it.

TROLL's avatar

Thanks for your understanding Chucks.

TROLL's avatar

I hope you don’t think i’m being too forward here but don’t you think we would make a great couple?

justwannaknow's avatar

He is cheating, tell him to hit the bricks!

chyna's avatar

@elijah You do not look like chucky.

elijah's avatar

@chyna LOL thanks.

xkris133x's avatar

I think in a way ur right because if my girlfriend was hanging wit an ex she slept wit!! Id toss her to the curb but thts me

TROLL's avatar

@Lothlorianqadalrien,so you got the advice and i got a new Girlfriend.WHERE ARE YOU to comment on the morsels of wisdom that have been offered.

Demonacle's avatar

If he really really doesn’t want to leave her you should distance yourself from him so you don’t get hurt. OR you could kill her….jk

Lilbrat1645's avatar

Yeah it’s so wrong u need
To let him make his own friends

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

I don’t think it’s the fact that I’m threatened by her because I don’t know nor have I met her, it’s the fact that he’s my partner and should respect my feelings because I would do the same for him, I’m just very territorial and it upsets me that he’s choosing someone elses feelings over mine, I wouldn’t do it to him, so I wouldn’t of expected it done to me.

We’ve been together on and off for a period of 2 years, it’s been rocky, we have a damaged relationship that we are trying to repair and it’s hurts me because he has to know this isn’t helping our situation. Anything negative said will not change how I feel about him, I just wanted to know If what I’m feeling is wrong.

cwilbur's avatar

Do you trust him to behave himself?

If you do, then she’s no threat. He’s trustworthy, after all.

If you don’t, then why are you still trying to have a relationship with him?

Remember: you can’t control his behavior. You can only control your behavior. What you are feeling isn’t wrong, but what you are doing—trying to control his behavior—is not only wrong, it’s counterproductive.

casheroo's avatar

I have heard of this girl before, you refer to her as the “whore” in other threads, correct?

You need to let this guy go. Do you actually see this relationship going anywhere?
I know this hurts to hear, because you’ve been with him off and on for two years, but most relationships hit a rough spot…usually in the beginning of the relationship, and you either make it or you break it. It’s fine to have issues with your relationship, but if they project into a ball of drama and confusion for months and years, then it’s time to let it go.
I had a lot of drama the first year of my relationship with my husband, and I know other couples that have too, but we all grew up. You two aren’t growing up, and expanding on the relationship, it seems. You need to let it go.
I’ll tell you this, a guy who has slept with a girl like that, and lies to you, will most likely lie to you again.

iquanyin's avatar

all the answers make good points. i would add this one: right or wrong, does it work? in my experience, no. i’m not saying don’t tell someone how you feel, but i’ve never been willing to end friendships because someone else doesn’t like them, nor have i ever found others willing to do so. from the comments, i see there’s more to the question. let me add this: to keep associating closely with someone you don’t trust is a surefire way to be unhappy. it doesn’t even matter whether your mistrust is reality based or all in your head, it just doesn’t—let me say again—work. and i’ve been on both sides of that.

asmonet's avatar

I’m getting sick of you and your boyfriend’s questions about this. Both of you need to run the hell away from each other.

@elijah: I would totally do you to next Tuesday. I would not make an offer of that kind to Chucky. You pretty. :)

iquanyin's avatar

@elija if you’re tired of it, why not stop following the question then?

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Thanks for all your responses(: I don’t know what the outcome will be seeing as he’s on vacation now and he admitted this to me while on vacation, When he comes back I can only hope he makes the right choice.

There’s always more then one side to a story, of course I’m only sharing mine but I don’t think I’m completely wrong, Although I should appreciate the fact that he was honest and did tell me and believe when he says he says he wont speak to her.

Other then this little dilemma things are great.

Wish me luck =)

chyna's avatar

Now I’m confused. You say in your question he won’t let her go (his friendship with her, I assume) and now you are saying he says he won’t speak to her. Did this part just happen?

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Its sort of complicated really, He has said both at different points so I’m not sure what his plans are, He seems confused, One minute he will agree with what I ask, Then next he will say He will do what he wants and I can’t tell him who to be friends with. Which is why I said I hope he makes the right choice.

chyna's avatar

Ok, I’m with everyone that said get out of this relationship. It’s unhealthy. Find someone to have fun with. Life is too short to date anyone that you have to worry about every day.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

building a long lasting trusting relationship takes time and a lot of hard work, or so I’m told, We’ll get there, I didn’t want to be told to leave him, Clearly that’s not what I want to do and not really what my question was about, I just wanted other opinions on the whole situation and how I’m reacting since the only other opinion I had was his and its not really something I want to run and tell everyone I know.

asmonet's avatar

Seriously, you won’t get there. There has to be something more to the relationship to build on. This is not going to work for either of you.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

shush @asmonet you’re just saying that because you can’t stand me.

asmonet's avatar

I’m really not, and the only thing I don’t like is your opinion of immigrants. I have no feelings toward you at all. On and off relationships spanning two years, drug usage which in emotionally stable and healthy individuals is fine, severe trust issues and a disregard for each others emotions is never going to work out.

I call it like I see it.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

Well I hope to prove your answer wrong. Stop stalking me.

asmonet's avatar

I’ll get right on that.~

chyna's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel Why is it that everytime I see a question from you and Asmonet answers it, as above, you call her a stalker? I honestly think her answer above was pretty good advice and not mean in the least.

casheroo's avatar

@Lothloriengaladriel I know you believe your relationship will change, but it seems no amount of work can help your relationship. That ship has sailed. You both are too immature for each other, trust me. The best thing for you to do is break it off. You need time to yourself. Just from your posts, it’s easy to recognize you are young and very dependent on your boyfriend. You need to realize you can live without a boyfriend.
And another thing, a relationship shouldn’t be as hard as yours is. You are not married, you are not living together, you don’t have a child together or any form of a strong commitment, so it really shouldn’t be as complicated as you two are making it.

Lothloriengaladriel's avatar

@chyna I could care less but it seems on every post I make she comes and has something smart ass to say, Even going off topic at times, Its obvious she has a problem, I just think its unnecessary.

asmonet's avatar

Of the 313 posts you’ve made, I’ve replied to you in possibly a handful. Don’t exaggerate.
You give me far too much credit.

elijah's avatar

@iquanyin WTF are you talking about?
@asmonet Thank you darling, and I promise not to hide under your bed and kill you like the other Chucky :)
@Lothloriengaladriel I don’t see anyone being mean to you. Most people are just trying to help you. The bottom line is this guy is making you look like a fool. For some reason you can’t see that. Actually, I think you do see it, yet you want to make excuses so you don’t have to face it. How long are you going to let him play you? We are not saying this to hurt you, we just know you two don’t belong together.

Allie's avatar

@elijah My mother told me I looked like Wednesday Addams once. (Sans braids.)

asmonet's avatar

@Allie: Me too, lurve. <5

RareDenver's avatar

@Allie my soon to be wife sometimes looks like Wednesday Addams (when she straightens her hair)

DragonFace's avatar

I smell psycho…

Triiiple's avatar

She is a psycho.

This whole thing about trying to control my friends, is psycho.

I had to lie to her about not having sex with her or else this is what happens. I then came clean about it since shes moving away and she kept accusing me anyway

Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na. Hey, hey, hey. Good bye.

chyna's avatar

So this little drama is now over? You guys broke up?

asmonet's avatar

Still a fucking model of maturity it seems.

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