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dubsrayboo's avatar

Is my husband justified to still be upset about my actions 3 years ago when I am now more stable?

Asked by dubsrayboo (2567points) February 8th, 2014

Important detail: I have bipolar type 1

3 years ago I became so manic that I was delusional. I was psychotic and didn’t know what was real at times. One Sunday I went up to Silver Lake and found a solitary place to go take my break from this mortal existence (I’m surprised no one found me because it was busy that day).

I opened my bag and there was no knife! I let out a scream of “Oh God I want to die!” I don’t know how long I was there crying and praying and begging for mercy. I finally calmed down and got the strength and enough mental awareness to get me home. And I confessed everything to my husband. And he had me in a inpatient psychiatric hospital in less than 36 hours.

I’m now stable, and he’s still upset with me. He winces every time I tell him I want to take a walk, or a hike. So I stopped exercising outside the house, then he asks why I don’t take a walk and I tell him he freaks out every time I do and he said that he freaks out because the only time I really want to walk is when I’m struggling. He told me that he keeps thinking of the what if’s in the future. He’s still mad at me that I didn’t (and some times don’t) think about him and the children and what my actions would do to them.

I’ve apologized! A million times! It’s been 3 years and I have been stable with the regular swings and he still can’t let it go. I’m here, I’m better, I’m loving my family with zeal, why is he still mad? What am I missing? Sorry this was so long.

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20 Answers

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

To be completely honest, I cannot understand why your husband would be upset at you or have you apologize for what happened whatsoever. I can understand he’d be concerned or traumatized or worried but mad at you? That’s ridiculous of him, truly.

susanc's avatar

He was traumatized by the hard time he went through when you were struggling so hard. He
hasn’t healed from the trauma. Would he be open to seeing a counselor about this? He’s not just being a butt. He’s injured. See if you can help him.

Pandora's avatar

I take it he never got some counseling. It sounds as if he is still very hurt that you would want to leave him in that way. It really is difficult to understand mental illness when you never suffered from it. I know this because I went through extreme highs and lows during my first pregnancy. I didn’t get back to my normal self until my hormones balanced off 3 months after I gave birth. Then when I looked back I realized the hell I put my husband through. It was like looking at another person. I’m sure it is not the same thing but until that happened to me, I didn’t understand mental illness. I thought that people have some actual control over how they feel or how they behave.

Part of him probably understands but also may wonder if perhaps you said or thought that way with the intent to hurt him or at the very least, he may think you were so selfish and lost in your own misery to even care if they would be miserable without you.

Maybe you should both seek counseling so he can get a better understanding of what it really means to be mentally ill and you can suggest on going on walks with him and the kids or just with him and get someone to watch the kids.

As for your question. Is he justified? For this to last 3 years, I would say he was deeply hurt and no doubt lives in fear of losing you everyday. Is it reasonable he feel this way? I think the greater the love the bigger the hurt and fear. All you can do is assure him that you do love him enough to stick around for him and the kids till you are dead from natural causes and that you will make sure that you promise to always keep him in the loop about how you feel about everything so he doesn’t have to guess if you are unwell or well.

All the sorry’s in the world does not erase painful memories. But building new happy ones will ease the pain with time. He just needs time and a better understanding of how mental illness works.

laurenkem's avatar

It sounds as if he loves you very much. He probably becomes quite scared when he thinks there’s a possibility that you might hurt yourself, even though you’re doing much better now. I have no idea if his fears are justified – only you know that. It just sounds like he needs time.
Be well and take care of yourself.

Judi's avatar

It’s not about you. Living with a bipolar person is really hard. He’s entitled to have a hard time too.
I’m sorry but it was my experience living with a bipolar person that I was expected to just move on as if nothing happened. His episode was over and he was feeling better but I was left standing there with all his crap spewed all over me and I was left to pick up the pieces. Meanwhile, all the concern and attention was on the bipolar person.
If I sound bitter I’m sorry but it’s been 25 years since he successfully committed suicide and my children and I are still dealing with the repercussions of this selfish act.

johnpowell's avatar

You need to talk to him and work something out. I would seriously suggest seeking professional help.

I’m going to be really honest here and I hope it doesn’t offend. What I have read is a whole lot of me, me, special snowflake. It sounds like you had it rough. And he has too because of you. Seriously, counseling.

dubsrayboo's avatar

Oh @Judi I felt like crawling into a hole after reading your post. I’m sorry for what you’ve been through. My husband and I have been reading these answers together and he could relate.

@johnpowell Yes there is me,me, special snowflake going on, on both me and my husband’s side. We’ve put each other through the wringer with my major cycle I just talked about and my husband’s multiple hospitalizations last year with him ending up wheelchair bound. So yes, we agree, counseling.

dubsrayboo's avatar

And yes my two teenage children are in counseling and they rock!

johnpowell's avatar

My husband and I have been reading these answers together and he could relate. that is really comforting that both of you know there is a problem and are willing to seek solutions together.
Keep talking to each other and you will be alright.

XOIIO's avatar

I agree, counseling, sounds like he had a rally tough time with it as well.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I was going to suggest he exercise with you and then I saw you wrote “my husband’s multiple hospitalizations last year with him ending up wheelchair bound”.
Are there some activities you can do together? Grocery shopping? Gardening? (My wheelchair bound neighbor mows her 2 acre lawn and her neighbor’s 3 acres using an awesome garden tractor. She loves it.)

The fact that you two are reading these answer together is a big, positive step. :-)
I wish you well.

Cruiser's avatar

I am sure there is more to what has transpired between you two since this all happened. A big part of the healing process is acknowledging and validating the trauma of your past episode and the pain you put your husband through. I do believe if you can be genuinely honest about this painful episode and what he had to experience and endure then and all this time, you can heal more completely. Acknowlege his pain and suffering….re-assure him that there is meaning in your own life and meaning in your relationship that is strong enough and meaningful enough that you won’t ever think of doing this again.

Then invite him to go on these walks with you.

elbanditoroso's avatar

Is it that he is upset?

It sounds like he is concerned for you out of an abundance of love – it freaked him out that you had problems, and he definitely wants to make sure you are OK.

I’m not in your marriage, and I don’t know you or your husband. But I think that his concern (or worrying) about you is because loves and cares for you, and wants to keep you with him for the long term.

jca's avatar

Feelings are not always what we consider “logical” so you cannot say to someone “you should not feel this way.” It’s ok to not understand why he feels what he feels, but you can’t say that he should not feel what he feels.

Whether or not you agree with it or understand it, they are his feelings. It’s good that you are discussing it. If you can’t come to a conclusion about the episode, you can always talk to a third, objective person (like a counselor).

nebule's avatar

Yes I think it’s natural for him to still be worried. Something that serious can have long-lasting effects on all people involved. As others have said I would go for counselling together and maybe separately too. Both of your feelings are valid. Both of you should be heard. It sounds like you have a good relationship :-)

JLeslie's avatar

From what your wrote it is not 3 years ago only. You wrote you “I didn’t (and sometimes don’t).” Dont; present tense. Every time you do something in the present it probably means for him this is constant and ongoing. I think you two need to have an honest discussion about exactly what it is like for him to be him, so you can better understand his perception of events and his reactions. Maybe you can do it yourselves, or maybe a therapist can help.

Your perception is probably that yiu are so much better now and you know yu wn’t try to harm yourself. His perception is probably that he is in a constant state of worrying he might have to hospitalize you again, which probably is extremely upsetting and stressful to do. Why is he angry? Can he specifically define it? He probably is afraid to be completely honest.

I think you should listen to his verbal reassurance that he is ok with you going out for a walk, even if his nonverbal cues tell you otherwise. The more you do it and nothing goes wrong, the more comfortable he will begin to trust it. Maybe you both can come up with a way to build trust surrounding it? Promise to let him know when you are leaving and when you expect to be home. If you run late you will let him know. Maybe a text or a call? My husband and I do hthis for each other without thinking about it, just a mutual respect.

Just my guess what might help. I’m not in the psychology field or anything.

KNOWITALL's avatar

My mom’s bipolar messed me up. Maybe because you almost left him he’s still afraid. Support group may help & are free.

Smitha's avatar

He happens to be stressed and tensed by the past incidents in his life. It could have been emotionally and physically draining for him. The changes and unpredictability of your moods has intruded into your family life.This could be the source of severe stress in your relationship, straining him to breaking point.
Your husband definitely needs support. He should consider therapy for himself, as a way of processing all the stress. He could also benefit by checking out support programs.

Judi's avatar

Think about it. In the last year he has become physically dependent on a person who could become unstable at any time. I feel for the guy!
My adult son is also bipolar. When he was about 20 we left him at home with our dog. He got the flu and stayed in bed not even feeding or letting the dog out to go to the bathroom. When we got home he complained about the fog barking. I never trusted him with my pets again.
I don’t blame your husband for being worried that you will abandon him again. When the swings go either way he could be in physical danger.
He may not admit that fear to you or even himself but it’s still under the surface.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

He is scared, and he is frustrated because he can’t fix the problem as he would a squeaky gate. When a man feels helpless he often gets angry.

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