How are couples referred to in a same sex wedding?

Man—> husband
Woman—> wife

There’s no separate terminology for gay people. Also, gay couples do not “assign” an opposite gender to one party. Men are still men. Women are still women. Not complicated at all.

I attended a wedding a little over a year ago of two women. It was entirely ordinary and not very “complicated”. They chose to alternate calling each other “wife” or “partner”. It was just like every other wedding I’ve been to.

The problem is you’re trying to apply the traditional male-female model to a gay marriage. Just stick with what @dappled_leaves said and you’ll be fine.

There’s nothing complicated about it. Men are not wives and women are not husbands, regardless of their sexual orientation. It’s up to them whether they use the word “husband” or “partner” or whatever they want. In a male-female ceremony, the couple tells the officiant what to say, so they could opt to not take on the husband/wife labels as well.

Most of the gay couples that I know, if they are legally married or not, refer to the other person either as their spouse or their partner. The ones that are legally married, tend toward spouse, but some of the ones who are not legally married also use the term spouse.

@livelaughlove21: “Men are not wives and women are not husbands”

Good point. This is a case where the language is tripping @DAVEJAY100 up, it appears. If we only had “spouse”, then it would be even less “complicated”, and we wouldn’t be burdened with the baggage that comes with “wife” or “husband”.

@hominid I suspect the thing that is tripping him up is the “But somebody’s gotta be the husband!” or “But somebody’s gotta be the wife!” thing.

It’s okay for there to be two husbands or two wives. You don’t have to have one of each in a marriage.

@hominid I’m not burdened with “wife” or “husband” – the only people burdened by this are the people trying to over-complicate something that’s quite simple. If you like wife/husband, go for it; if you like spouse or partner, go for it. Why should anyone else care or be “burdened” by something that doesn’t affect them?

^ Then we agree, just as I thought! (see your PM)

Of the same-sex weddings I’ve attended, only one involved traditional vows. Both were asked “do you take _____ to be your lawfully wedded wife?” during the ceremony, and each refers to the other as her wife in public. Nobody seems to have gotten confused about it yet.

I believe that California just passed a law wherein the word “spouse” is to be used instead of “husband” or “wife”. This simplifies matters greatly.

@2davidc8 As far as I can tell, they replaced it in state law, which simplifies those documents. It doesn’t affect marriage vows, which are determined by the couple or whoever is marrying them.

Naturally, conservative and Christian news outlets are interpreting it as some sort of ‘War on Christmas’-esque threat. How predictable.

It seems the word “complicated” that I used in my question appeared to annoy one or two of you. Well, the whole idea of marriage between people of the same sex is wholly bizarre to me along with millions of others, so take that any way you wish, but that is a fact of life whether you like it or not. and as I said, “complicated”.to the minds of the millions who are not that way inclined. Possibly, the marriage of a man and wife are looked upon as unnatural and “complicated” to those otherwise inclined, ie, homosexual, but honestly, I’m getting at no-one, I was simply curious to know.about the wording used in the ceremonies of these strange marriages. Now please do not jump at me for the use of the word “strange” because to me and millions more, “strange ” is exactly what they appear to be but of course, that’s just me. (plus a few billion more). Live and let live, me, just answer the question.

@Kardamom “Most of the gay couples that I know, if they are legally married or not, refer to the other person either as their spouse or their partner.”

Your comment intrigued me, because I’ve found the opposite to be true. My gay male friends are very proud to refer to their “husbands,” and every married lesbian I know describes her “wife.” They also buy those “To My Husband” and “To My Wife” cards for birthdays and holidays; very sweet.

@DAVEJAY100 We did answer the question. Again, no need to make things more complicated than they are.

Dappled leaves, yes, you answered the question, Thank you, but others waffled

@DAVEJAY100 I’m pretty sure we all answered the question. Who do you think did not?

In any case, you’re getting push back because there is a difference between “I find it complicated/strange” and “it is complicated/strange.” The first expresses your personal inability to deal with something. The second pushes the blame onto others. And while you now seem to be claiming that you intended the former, what you wrote was the latter. This is just basic English.

Also basic English is the fact that “husband” means “male spouse” and “wife” means “female spouse.” Your question was asked as if gay people were a different species and you needed the expert help of a zoologist. But they are not a different species, and all you need is a dictionary and some empathy to understand that gay people are no different from any of the other people in the world who happen to be attracted to someone you personally don’t want to marry.

Straight men don’t want to marry every woman, and straight women don’t want to marry every man. Yet we don’t treat it as bizarre when a straight person marries someone we wouldn’t personally choose to marry. As such, there’s no reason to treat it as bizarre when a gay person marries someone we wouldn’t personally choose to marry.

Just for the sake of having a diversity of breakfast-food metaphors, I’ll say that my quip is pancaking. ;-)

@dappled_leaves

“Naturally, conservative and Christian news outlets are interpreting it as some sort of ‘War on Christmas’-esque threat.”

I think some other types of those outlets might also interpret it as an “attack on traditional marriage”.

@DAVEJAY100 Why does “gay” or “same sex” marriage seem so bizarre to you in this day and age? Are you in a small, isolated community?

I live in a city in which the gay community is huge and common, and has been, for at least for at least 25 years or so. It’s not new or weird or frightening. Southern California to be exact. Are you just unfamiliar with gay marriage, or are you just afraid, for some reason? There’s no reason to be afraid of gay people. The gays won’t hurt you any more than the straights will. Embrace everybody, without trying to figure out why anyone is why they are (unless they’re murderers or child molesters) and just keep on truckin’ on.

I hope you’re not one of those people who believe that gay people, are automatically murderers and child molesters. If you are, check the statistics, Most murderers and child molesters are straight men.

Kardamom, you’re going the same way as others above, I did not say that being gay was bizarre, homosexuality has been around since humans evolved, good lord, I’m not that naive, just Why is it that the simple question I asked above puts some people immediately on their guard?

Its as if I was accusing them of something, and they immediately strike back in defense of their obvious homosexuality. No need to defend, no, I merely asked what the actual words used in a same sex wedding were. Consider also, that same sex marriage was only made legal here in the UK a couple of months back, March 2014 in fact, so yes, same sex marriage is new here, as it once was in California when folk were no doubt horrified there at that time, but like everything else, we need to get used to the idea before anything is freely accepted. Yes, some answered my simple question but others went immediately into defensive mode.

@DAVEJAY100: “Its as if I was accusing them of something, and they immediately strike back in defense of their obvious homosexuality.”

Really? Is this how it’s going to go?

@DAVEJAY100: ” Consider also, that same sex marriage was only made legal here in the UK a couple of months back”

You’re going to be fine. Seriously. It’s been legal here (Massachusetts) since 2004. No need to worry.

Also, it is legal in California. Check out the legality of same-sex marriage in the U.S. (legal in 19 states).

@DAVEJAY100: “as it once was in California when folk were no doubt horrified there at that time”

I’m very confused.

It sounds to me like the OP is trying to adjust his thinking to accommodate some new ideas so maybe we should give him some space.

The comment about marriage in California was referring to it once being newly legal there too.

@DAVEJAY100: “Its as if I was accusing them of something, and they immediately strike back in defense of their obvious homosexuality.”

So…all of us that took issue with your wording are homosexuals? Okay…I should probably alert my husband immediately.

@livelaughlove21 I was thinking that, too… I’d actually be surprised to learn that any of the jellies who answered this question were gay.

@DAVEJAY100 Honestly, the only person who sounds defensive here is you. Everyone is just trying to help you to understand something you claim not to understand. I’m not sure why you are finding that so frustrating.

I’m still trying to figure out how gay marriage, just because it’s new (and it isn’t really new, it just that is has recently became legal in the U.K.) could be considered “complicated”, which was the OP’s word. It just means that same sex couples can get married, the same as opposite sex couples. It’s not complicated at all.

Also, most people, gay or straight, make up their own marriage vows, these days. The days of “I promise to obey” are mostly gone.

Kardamom, you must not fret or be confused that I and most people find the thought of same sex marriages truly bizarre, that is most peoples opinion, that is a fact of life whether you like it or not even though these marriages are miniscule in numbers as opposed to straight marriages.

Also, I’d be interested to know exactly why and where Janbb above finds that my thinking has been adjusted to accommodate some new ideas? Lol, just look at the responses, the complete opposite is staring at you, Its more like MY QUESTION has been adjusted (in your minds) to accommodate YOUR RESPONSES. just about every response is a subtle attempt at turning my simple question into an attack on gays! Please, do not worry , any of you, this is not an attack I promise, I can live with the fact of these marriages but they are no less bizarre to myself and to more people than you would care to wish.

But this was not the object of my question, My question, for the umpteenth time, was a request for some clarity on the wording at these ceremonies. and please don’t make me laugh any more , because I’ve rolled on the floor at some of the ways that my simple query has been twisted. Go back to the top and just read the words, absorb, and empty your minds of any latent feelings, guilt, suspicions, frustrations, accusations etc, Peace to all you suspicious gay folk, I intend no harm, but you cannot hide behind words, and stop fretting over a simple query.

@DAVEJAY100 Actually, I think you’ll find that most people in America support gay marriage, and have for some time. Maybe you just live in a region that hasn’t caught up with the present day yet.

@DAVEJAY100 Ok – so you’re not really trying to adjust your thinking, you’re just looking for confirmation of your own biases. I retract my compassionate statement.

The answer, given clearly several times, is husband and husband or wife and wife or spouse and spouse or partner. Can we spell it out any clearer than that?

Guess the UK is far behind America in some things.

And – by the way – my preference sexually is for men, and I am a woman.

@DAVEJAY100 Read and read and read again all of the responses. You’ve been told that marriage vows are usually made up by the people getting married. There is no gay handbook that they use. Some people use the term spouse, some use the term partner and for some people (in which the couple is female) use the term wife for both people, and for some people (in which the couple is male) use the term husband for both people. It’s very simple to understand, just like other terms in our language like brother, sister, mother, father etc. So your question has been answered. What part of the answer is giving you trouble with your understanding?

You said, you must not fret or be confused that I and most people find the thought of same sex marriages truly bizarre, that is most peoples opinion, that is a fact of life whether you like it or not even though these marriages are miniscule in numbers as opposed to straight marriages.

No one is fretting, we’re just astonished that in this day and age (it is 2014, not 1970) that you think most people find the thought of same sex marriage as truly bizarre. I have no idea where you live, but I’m here in California, we have a huge gay community in our city, and pretty much everybody is fine with gay marriage, except for a very small minority of conservative right wing Christians. Twenty years or even 15 years ago, a lot of people had problems grasping or accepting the idea of same sex marriage, but since so many people, at least in our city, are gay and have been openly gay for years, it’s fairly common place. Once same sex marriage became legal, and straight people got to see it up close and personal, and their own marriages were not affected and the streets didn’t open up and swallow us, nor did any lightning bolts appear, everybody just went about their business. Although the wedding planners did get a big boost in their business, so it’s all good.

Gay marriage works pretty much like straight marriages, for better or worse. Most people, gay or straight simply want to share a life with someone that they love. They might want children, they might not. They might have a marriage made in heaven, or they might bicker a lot. They might have lots of sex, very little sex, or none at all (just like straight people). They get up and go to work, come home and fix dinner, watch a little TV, or maybe they have guests come over for drinks or to watch sports or movies. On the weekends they go to the beach, got to family birthday parties, mow the lawn, go out for dinner and dancing, or even attend church or temple. Pretty much the same as everybody else. It’s neither complicated nor bizarre.

Oh sorry, I somehow missed that the OP lives in the UK. Here’s a more appropriate statistic:

“In total, the proportion of Britons who think homosexual couples should be able to marry has more than quadrupled in the four decades since 1975. Almost 70 per cent now agree with gay marriage while just over a quarter (28 per cent) disagrees.”